Mil won’t accept DD has additional needs.

[Shootingstar1115]

This proably isn’t the right place to post but I figure that it might get seen by a lot of people..

I have two DC, aged 8 from a previous relationship and 4. My 8 year old DS is diagnosed with autism. My partners mum is very old fashioned in her views about autism but because DS isn’t biologically her grandson it’s not her place to say anything. I think she’s gradually learning how different, unique and hard work he can be.

However, then we have DD. She is also being assessed for autism. Her issues aren’t so obvious compared to DS. She has major issues with her speech (2 years behind), she has delays in most areas but no behavioural issues. I won’t go into great detail here. She’s starting soon and is hopefully getting an EHCP to have the extra support she needs.

My partners mum is completely dismissive of her granddaughters issues. Won’t talk about it, won’t believe it, won’t try and learn about it and just insists she will catch up and has even said if she had brought her up this wouldn’t have happened. She doesn’t mean well, she offers us no support in this area. It’s obviously generic on my side. I believe I could also be on the spectrum and I have it in my bio dads family.

I’m now too scared to talk about DD and the extra support she needs because she’s completely dismissive. When (if) she gets diagnosed with autism, I’ll be too scared to tell her.

Funnily enough, she has a good friend who’s grown up daughter has autism so I was hoping she would learn from her friends experiences. She also has a relative with grown up children on the spectrum.

It’s like she can’t accept it could happen to her grandchildren. I know it’s hard but I just want her support. She’s constantly comparing DD to her sisters grandchildren. It’s getting me down.

Why is what she thinks relevant? You are getting the support you feel your child needs and that's all that matters.

Her disbelief changes nothing. If DD does get a diagnosis for autism, I would mention it to MIL and leave it at that - don't mention it again.

If she wants to live in denial, that's her prerogative.

Where is your partner in all this? Why is he allowing her to say such horrible things to you without consequence?

For just that comment alone about 'if sge' s brought them up... ' I'd tell her to f* off and hubby would be havin a word with her. I'd distance myself from her, she is no support!

This is shockingly common from grandparents and other relatives and friends. Often the person can be the Dad or Mum. I managed to convince myself for 10 years one of my sons was fine. He is very much in the cusp of having autism and presents like a girl. There is absolutely nothing you can do about her attitude and remember often when she sees your daughter, your daughter will be masking so she won't see what you see. Although her comment that your daughter wouldn't act like that if she had bought her up shows she can see there is an issue.
When she does this, just remind yourself her opinion doesn't matter. If she is confrontational just smile and tell her that it is hereditary and her shocking lack of empathy make you wonder if it is from that side of the family.

Why is what she thinks relevant?

Unfortunately, if a granny is insistent that they will not take on board a child's dx and treat them accordingly, then every visit and encounter with them will be fraught and unsuitable.

Children with autism need to be parented very differently from NT children and when someone tries to parent or treat an autistic child in the same way as an NT child, the problems are massive.

The role of a granny in a family is often to not just socialise with the children (and dish out lots of criticism of their behaviour) but to look after them, so a granny treating an autistic child as an NT child basically criticising and punishing them for behaviour they cannot help is a horrendous situation. This is already a foregone conclusion from the granny's comment " if she had brought her up this wouldn’t have happened" in the OP.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, sadly it's very common among relatives and family and some teachers and medics. Some people just "get" autism and treat autistic children accordingly and some very wrongly just dismiss it as something trivial and insist the child's autistic behaviour is due to poor parenting.

In your shoes, I'd limit contact to as little as possible and shut her down every time she opens her mouth in a critical way. You are the parent and your DH should be supporting you.

There's a very interesting thread on AIBU, started 4 July 19 called 'To avoid getting my son diagnosed' which details how autistic people now adult feel about having their autism ignored and what it's like being brought up whilst being expected to behave like an NT. I'd doubt if your MIL would read it, but it may give you some insight on how to to counter her idiocy in the future, you and your DH need to form a united front and if she won't accept autism, then go as low contact with her as you can.

It's the same type of mindset as grandparents not accepting a child has genuine food allergies and feeding them the allergen foods when the parents aren't there. Basically their ego and their sense of being right overrides any medical diagnosis they are informed about and they have to prove their point at all costs, to the detriment of the child Then they innocently wonder why they aren't allowed unsupervised contact.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but you are far from being alone in your situation.

This is a shit situation. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. I know it doesn't make it better but it may at least be a minor comfort to know that your situation isn't that uncommon. There are a few people of that age who simply don't accept things like autism.

Is it possible to see less of her? If your DP isn't able to change her views, or at least persuade her to change her behaviour, then you may need to minimise the amount of contact that she has. This could do a lot of damage to your DD if she is exposed to her often enough.

Hi OP, I have a 4yo diagnosed with autism too so I know what you are going through.

When I first had suspicions about DS's autism I kept them to myself initially. When the gap started getting wider and wider I spoke to various family members about it. All were adamant that we was 'fine', that he would 'catch up' and that he would be 'ok once he was around other children more'. At first I listened to this because I was obviously hoping that my child wouldn't have additional needs.

Then DS started nursery at 3 and the difference between him and his peers was so stark and so obvious that I kickstarted his autism assessment and then his EHCP. Right up until diagnosis day certain family members were desperate to reassure me that there was 'nothing wrong' with DS. Just as you know with your DD I knew that they were wrong.

DS starts special school in September. He's in the higher functioning class. He's a delight and a joy but obviously harder work than NT kids.

Wait until you have that full diagnosis report in black and white. And that EHCP. And then literally wave it in her face until she accept it. She needs to. Your child is too precious to be the elephant in the room.

If and when your DD is diagnosed, your partner could be the one to tell her. Perhaps having him agree with you and confirm the diagnosis might help? She really needs to accept and educate herself about autism, to do anything less fails you, your partner and also her relationship with your DD.

It is ridiculous to parent any non NT child the same as a NT child. Allowances have to be made for any different behaviour, it’s cruelty otherwise.

I sympathise, my DM refuses to believe my DS has Tourette’s Syndrome, and has often told me he is just “putting it on”. Funny, he has manage to convince 2 neurologists and a GP for years now....

and has even said if she had brought her up this wouldn’t have happened

That is so toxic I am surprised to managed to keep your cool.

Once you have the expected diagnosis, I strongly advise you not to keep it quiet. MiL would cotton on eventually anyway - & why would you want to pander to her aggressive denial & undermining?

Next time she comes out with a shocking comment like the gem above, take control & tell her something like:
"MiL, you are wrong & I don't want to hear any more of your ill-informed opinions about DD. Here is the phone number of DD's specialist's office - please ring the specialist & tell them how much more you know about autism than they do."

She will likely kick off at that, because that's what bullies do when finally confronted. When she does, just repeat "ring the specialist with your opinions, I don't want to hear them."

She won't ring the specialist as she won't want her ignorance exposed. Even in the unlikely event that she did, the office won't connect her directly to the specialist as DD is not her child!

Good luck with DD & getting the support you need. Clearly that is not going to be from MiL so you need to arm yourself with coping strategies. With regard to the constant comparisons have a ready-made reply ready, just something bland & dismissive like "yes, DD is her own unique individual isn't she" & repeat ad nauseum. MiL is doing this to get a kick out of winding you up, so don't give her the satisfaction.

If she had brought her up this wouldn't have happened? That would be the end of the relationship for me.

Some people just aren’t helpful.

My DS (11) has ASD. My PIL visited us at the weekend and asked if we had any plans for the holiday, told them that it’s very hard to get DS out so not really. MIL then said ‘what do you do if you need to go to the shops, have a rota so someone is always in with DS’. I replied yes (my DDs are older than DS so can help out). PIL then stayed silent, they are both retired and very fit and well - no offer of help or support.

My Aunt had the same attitude towards her DGS autism. She was in complete denial for a long time.
Once he was diagnosed she came to terms with the situation and completely changed track. She is now one of his most vocal supporters and they have an amazing relationship. Hopefully your MIL will change her attitude too.

My extended family (of medics believe it or not) have said similar about my kids. All 3 are autistic, and one in law even commented on my "defective" genes

My kids don't see my extended family. At all. Ever. They don't need that shit put on them and they certainly don't need people judging them by NT standards when they're not NT.

She has no right to be so hateful, and if she can't treat your children with respect and with consideration for their DX then she doesn't get to be around them.

It's what I'd do anyway, but I'm a hardened auld witch after years of that shit from people I expected to know better.

My dads the same about 13yo ds with asd. Just says he is difficult, neurotic, hysterical etc etc, all the things he used to say about me as a child. I cant compute how he cant listen to me and hear what we are facing wrt school etc, and offers no support, other than occasionally saying he could "pay for something to fix it"- god knows what?!

Theres not a lot you can do, its their loss.

Perhaps granny should only see your Dd when you’re around

I feel your pain op. My nephew is severely autistic ( grass eating poo throwing incontinent limited speech etc)
My exh once told me that if my sister ( the mum) ‘had smacked him more he wouldn’t dare to behave like that’
Some people are just ignorant

Our own child has adhd and apparently it’s ‘always down to bad parenting’. - a dig at me presumably

I just ignore the stupid

Hairyheadphones- sounds v similar here. Every week my dad asks me if we're going out on friday/sat night and every week i explain we cant as its hard to leave ds and we have no babysitters and every week he never offers to do it EVEN ONCE

If a relative won't accomodate and is making awful comments I would be limiting contact. It's not fair on your daughter to have someone like that around them.