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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Anniversary card for other people’s anniversary- IHBU?

20 replies

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/07/2019 19:37

Regular poster but NC...
this is so boring I couldn’t be a troll...

For their wedding anniversary (Future) PIL expect DP to remember the date, buy and post a nice card and inside expect him to write a touching note. every. single. year.

They also expect similar cards at birthdays (fair enough) and Christmas (by this I mean we visit them in person and stand there and we all watch each other open cards these are literally just to X lots of love Y). We go along with Christmas...

This year is not a silver or golden anniversary

This year DP forgot because we have lives!

They have one other child who lives abroad who they speak to daily (whole other story but no MH / SEN) who DID sent a card.

Future MIL has expressed her unhappiness / disgruntledness to DP’s sibling knowing it will be relayed (this is a standard communication method)

DP is pissed off.

Is he being unreasonable?

We are, for extra awkwards visiting this weekend.

Should he buy a card and say sorry for forgetting their memorable day that he wasn’t even alive for or just ignore it?
(guess whose side I am on )

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 30/07/2019 19:40

I think your future PIL are BU. Unless it's a milestone anniversary - Silver/Golden etc. and they are throwing a family celebration, I don't think they should expect cards from anyone other than each other.

PuppyMonkey · 30/07/2019 19:40

I’d purposefully not mention a card at all, but ask if they had a nice anniversary and if they did something nice together. Let them stew if they want, who cares?

ChicCroissant · 30/07/2019 19:42

I used to get my parents and my in-laws a card for their wedding anniversary, yes. I doubt my husband did that before I prompted him. They used to get us cards for our anniversary too.

Did your partner forget - which seems odd if he's always done it previously - or did you say that you didn't think he should send one?

BeanBag7 · 30/07/2019 19:42

You know they like it. Some people find that sort of thing important but others feeling. How much effort is it really? I'm assuming they buy you cards for birthdays and Christmas, and will for your anniversary if you marry. I don't

Sunburntnoseandears · 30/07/2019 19:43

Just tell them only people who attended the wedding should send them cards!

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 30/07/2019 19:49

PIL are being unreasonable.

Wedding Anniversaries are for the couple to celebrate unless it is a milestone. Cards are pretty but just end up in the (hopefully) recycling bin... DH and I never send cards of ANY type to each other for this reason.

Jurassicmuma · 30/07/2019 19:51

I wish people wouldn't get anniversary cards for other couples unless it's a big milestone one. I think cards are a faff in general. I don't buy one for my husband yet my mum and sil get us one. I don't get them one back and it huffs them. I'll always ask if they had a nice day / went out for dinner or something when I see them but I really don't think there's any need for cards.

bellabasset · 30/07/2019 19:57

Perhaps look at it that they appreciate their wedding anniversary being remembered as an event to celebrate? A small gesture from dp but one that had meaning for them. Perhaps prompt dp to give them a small token, bottle of wine or flowers.

MsHopey · 30/07/2019 20:04

My DM gets pissy about this.
I never buy for anyones anniversary, including my own.
Save the environment.

Original poster

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/07/2019 20:11

Did your partner forget - which seems odd if he's always done it previously - or did you say that you didn't think he should send one?

He forgot. He is with me and described his track record as “erratic”

I agree with mshopey save the environment...

DP is delighted to known HINBU

I am just dreading the PA comments that we will have to endure

OP posts:

Dahlietta · 30/07/2019 20:21

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to like and even hope for a card, but they are being very unreasonable to sulk and pout about it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/07/2019 20:23

I have a friend whose father (in his eighties) requires a birthday card with a heartfelt poem - which can not be the same as one he as ever received before - and if the poem is not up to scratch or emotive enough, he refuses to speak to the sender for weeks.

I'd just not refer to it at all when you meet. If they remark on the absence of a card, can you say something like 'oh, we've given up sending cards. We've donated a tenner to a charity instead'.

That way they look bad if they complain (of course, you do have to donate a tenner to a charity to keep your karma intact, but small price to pay and you can do it in your own time).

Original poster

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/07/2019 20:26

I'd just not refer to it at all when you meet. If they remark on the absence of a card, can you say something like 'oh, we've given up sending cards. We've donated a tenner to a charity instead'.

That way they look bad if they complain (of course, you do have to donate a tenner to a charity to keep your karma intact, but small price to pay and you can do it in your own time).

I would love if this worked.
They would literally laugh and tell us not to be so tight...
they ignore our massive mortgage and student loans seem to think we are loaded and should pay for things despite being incredibly wealthy themselves

OP posts:

MummyG31 · 30/07/2019 20:30

Maybe I was raised badly but I think the only person I should be getting a card from on my anniversary is my husband, and vice versa.

Also, why do people get annoyed about stuff like this?! Do they have nothing else to worry about?

Smurfy23 · 30/07/2019 20:33

My family really arent cards people at all however MIL REALLY is. DH also cba with them however I've learned the hard way that it is really important to her so we buy her cards for that reason.

PixieLumos · 30/07/2019 20:34

I think they are being quite unreasonable. We’ve occasionally bought a card for my DH’s parents, but only when we’ve seen them on the day or close to it (we live quite far apart) - we wouldn’t post one especially.

Elliebellbell · 30/07/2019 20:38

For about 8 years mil kept giving us teapots as an anniversary gift, they were all over the house gathering dust. In the end I had to tell her to cease and desist, DH and I have been married almost 34 years and have never celebrated our anniversary, not even silver.

All the teapots sold well at car boot though 🤣

Pipandmum · 30/07/2019 20:43

Well it’s your partner’s problem isn’t it? He needs to tell his parents that he doesn’t do cards anymore. End of. They may be disappointed but it’s hardly a serious issue.
And I really don’t get handing people a card. Cards should surely be mainly for people you don’t see often? You are sending them best wishes in a card because you are not able to say it to them in person?

Alsohuman · 30/07/2019 20:46

It would have never occurred to me not to send a card on my parents’ anniversary.

Original poster

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/07/2019 21:19

Completely agree it’s his problem, he is prob going to try and break the habit of a lifetime and go with the “Hope you enjoyed your anniversary” no card route

He just wanted the MN consensus
Thanks all!

OP posts:

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