Not sure where to post - changing childs surname.

[Emptyspacex]

Bit of back story - myself and partner been together 3.5 years and we are getting married in May 2021 so we will be together 5 years when married. My partner has been like a dad to my 6 year old son with special needs. He comes to all hospital appointments, speech and language and OT sessions, school meetings ect. He pays for days out for my son, teaches him to play football, helps me with parenting, looks after him when im at work (we live together). His dad on the other hand sees him once or twice a month, doesn't ring him/facetime or ask about him inbetween visits, cancels seeing him for less important events (nights out), he pays for him weekly but after a lot of hassle and arguing first. Says I dont need his money I get enough from child benefit (what a joke). He's on the birth certificate and my son has his last name.

My question is once myself and partner are married do we need birth dads permission to double barrel last name?
So it will be first name then partners surname then birth dads surname.

Hope that makes sense..

(I've given back story so you know the reason for wanting to change surname)

You can say it’s unfair and throw out terms like “sperm donor” all you like but you’ve heard the legal position and arguing with posters who you don’t agree with won’t change it. The best thing you can do is make a well-reasoned proposal as to why a change should be made and see if he agrees. If not you can try the court route and see if that works.

Yep you need his permission. This is why I kept my maiden name and gave my DC it too.

Schools are very accustomed to children having "known by" names.

They are, but they are also having to get tighter on using them because if both parties with PR don’t agree with it the one who doesn’t agree can insist the school use their birth name.

There are many now who will ask if all with PR agree and who won’t do it if they don’t because it’s a lot of hassle if the school get dragged into it. Especially if the father has specifically objected to it.

OP if absent parents with parental responsibility can write to the school, GP, etc and insist the child is called by their birth surname. The school, GP, etc will then have to oblige.

I suggest you don't use a "known by" name as his father can cause a stink. Just accept until the boy is old enough, which is 16, then he will have to live with that surname on his birth certificate.

The law has done this for a reason.

You can choose a known by name, which isnt legal. So your lad can go through school as Fred Smith Greene BUT things like his GCSE certificates will reflect his legal name - Fred Greene - at 16 he can choose whether to change his name legally.

We had a case a few years ago of a student whose (private, very expensive) school had entered him for GCSEs and A-levels under his "known by" name. Consequently, we couldn't accept his qualifications as he had no legal evidence that he was the person named on the certificates. He had to spend a lot of time & money getting multiple exam boards to provide formal statements that the qualifications were his. His school refused to do anything to help, despite the situation being entirely the school's fault.

I didn't meet my father until I was 32. My mother gave me a 'known by' name because my father was untraceable to give permission for it to be changed (so this is not a new law).
As an adult this caused me so much hassle with things like getting a mortgage, opening bank accounts and applying for a passport.
And in spite of my father having never been present in my life I reverted to using my given surname because it really felt like my identity.
I massively resented my mother for trying to change my surname regardless of what I may have thought or felt about it. It was like she was trying to erase my father, and in turn I felt like she was trying to erase me. Because I reminded her of him.
It's not just a name.

My son doesn't even see his father, fathers choice!! I'd still need permission despite the fact my son chose to be called my last name in school etc and it deeply upsets him that legally he has his dad's name.

I'd have to get permission and he's refused to give it. My DS is nearly 10 and I looked into going to court to get it changed and this would probably cost me about £3000 at least plus they more than likely would't take my sons word that its him that wants to change his name.

I think because your son can't even consent to getting his name changed you would find it difficult.

@SirTobyBelch yes!! All my exams were sat in my 'known as' name and it is one of the reasons I didn't go to University. No-one could figure out how to prove they were my results!

Really bugs me when the dad is referred to as a 'sperm doner' at the end of the day you choose to have unprotected sex with him which results in a child then you were happy for him to go on the birth certificate as he was & is childs father.

Definetly had no choice at the time whether to put him on birth certificate or not.
Of course I wish I didnt but i was only 19 and didn't understand what it would fully mean.

It's not a bad thing that his Dad is on his BC. He's obviously not dad of the year but he sees your DS once a month or once a fortnight so he's still part of his life.

That's not something that can or should be erased.

One thing that helped me lose my anger about the name situation was to stop seeing my DD's surnames as "their Dad's names" and seeing them only as their name.

At the end of the day relationships are what matters, not names (in our house we have a real hotch potch of names because of a blended family plus nephew living with us set up).

Don’t blame it on being 19.

I had ds at 19, in 2000. Exdp went on the birth certificate, and we also went to court for him to have parental responsibilities as it was not automatically granted if dad was on the birth certificate then. That came in a few years later. We wanted to ensure that dad had the same rights as me.

We knew because we wanted to make sure every t was crossed and I dotted. So please don’t blame it on age. This is why young parents get a bad name- making out as it they haven’t a clue.

Schools are very accustomed to children having "known by" names.

Much less so now for surnames unless they have the agreement of both of the named parents on the birth certificate to change. For 1st names- yes

I know children on their 4th surname going through school.

I don’t think you can blame it on age. You were an adult and chose him as the co parent of your child. Old enough to be responsible for new life is old enough to know how things work.

@empty just a thought going off someone else's post. Has your ex applied for parental rights at all? All babies born before December 2003 don't have the father with parental rights - unless you were married at the time.
If he doesnt have these rights you are the one solely with them so can change surname without his permission

it is in his best interest believe me

Has your son expressed a burning desire to have his surname double barrelled with your partners name? Or is it solely because you think he should? Your ex, as crap as he might be pays maintenance, has regular contact and is on the birth certificate. In my job I see children whose (usually) mothers have requested a name change citing 'adverse damage to child by not having same new family surname'. The children often feel very insecure about not having the new name, not because they desperately want their step parent's name, but because their mother has pressed and pressed the issue, often calling their df nothing more than a sperm donor which makes the child feel insecure with regards to his place in the family. Research has increasingly shown that a child's name is very important to their identity and life story, which is why changing a child's name (even a newborn) upon adoption is greatly frowned upon. I

OP you are only 25 now, what if you split up with your partner in five years, find a new one that is great with your son; will you want to add his name too? I am grateful that these "stupid" laws exist, parental heritage is very important to a child's life story.

@Starburst8
just a thought going off someone else's post. Has your ex applied for parental rights at all? All babies born before December 2003 don't have the father with parental rights - unless you were married at the time.
If he doesnt have these rights you are the one solely with them so can change surname without his permission

Children born in December 2003 will now be 15. The OP’s child is only 6 - his father has PR automatically by being on the birth certificate

@lyra oops my bad. I just saw another poster saying about child and born in 2000, which made me think of the parental rights law back then. I missed the Op's child's age 🤦🏼‍♀️

I guess in reality all that can be done is either leave it as is or use a known as name.
When the child gets to 16 he can decide then what to do.
It's a rubbish situation especially when the father isn't stepping up with maintenance or contact.

Both my children use a 'known as' surname for school etc, and as their biological dad is a) a dangerous, abusive, drug addicted twat and b) totally untraceable we have never had any problems with it. Both schools know the children have no contact with their father and so it has never been an issue. DH is on their records as dad, emergency contact number 2 etc. However, it would still be really hard work for me to get their surnames changed, as their biological dad has parental responsibility. My only hope is that, as he is totally untraceable and has had no contact with them for 5 years now, if we were to go to court a judge would decide it's in their best interests.

Their legal surname dredges up some very difficult feelings for all 3 of us, and the day they can legally change it, whether that's soon or when they're 18, will be a happy one.

@Starburst8

It's a rubbish situation especially when the father isn't stepping up with maintenance or contact.

In this case however the dad sees his child once or twice a month and pays maintenance weekly

@lyra the Op stated that he doesn't pay maintenance cos he thinks that the child benefit she gets is enough. Child benefit isn't paid by the father but by the government and assuming the OP has only one child, the payment is only £20 per week.

@Starburst8 No she didn’t, she said he didn’t think he should pay maintenance

he pays for him weekly but after a lot of hassle and arguing first.

I feel like that buys into the belief that children are the property of men