To ask for advice on improving relationship with in-laws?

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My husband's immediate family are very entitled and argumentative. His mother questioned why were getting married and has shouted at me over things to do with him in the past. His siblings will only have things their way and don't care about our feelings.

His extended family hate me because, for various family reasons of my own, I can't go along with their plans at Christmas. Whenever I see them, they are incredibly passive aggressive and I inevitably end up getting upset.

The combination of these things mean I generally don't want to see them. And I genuinely feel like I have tried. After another drama, I'm sat here in tears again.

Does anyone have any tips on how they improved their relationship with difficult in-laws?

OP, you have my unadulterated, profuse sympathies. Your in-laws sound very like mine, and they haven't changed one bit in close-on 15 years. Their MO is always to sabotage Christmas, a holiday I've come to detest with a deadly vengeance. They should call my MiL the Grinch. And the passive aggressive digs (including passive aggressive Christmas gifts) have been going on so long they've become entirely predictable, and something of a private joke. One year it was a child's bracelet. (I'd love to retaliate by buying them Lady Macbeth's Guest Bedroom soap, but have so far resisted the temptation).

I despise passive-aggressives for their utter cowardice. They don't have the courage or mettle to state their dislike of someone openly, so they have to resort to doing it childishly, and covertly. If challenged, they will present a picture of wide-eyed innocence and imply that their intended target is the unreasonable one. If you try open, direct (cf. adult) methods of communication they will run in terror, and likely as not say you are bullying them. Responding in kind is a no-no for me; I'm not about to make myself into something I despise just to engage in a pointless tit-for-tat with them.

In my experience you can do nothing with such people. You asked for constructive advice on how to deal with this situation. There is none, because it would be a case of beating your head against a brick wall. They'll disapprove no matter what you do, and oddly enough, trying to make them like you will probably make them despise you more.

Preserve your wellbeing and self-esteem, and step back. Your husband is entitled to a relationship with his immediate family. But - and especially if he's not fighting your corner with you - you are not compelled to do likewise.

For your own peace of mind my advice boils down to two words. Don't bother.

because this sucks, OP xxx

It sounds like you, perhaps understandably, have a very negative attitude towards them all (the first sentence of your post makes that clear already, never mind the rest). You’re never going to improve your relationship with them if your going to think of them and speak of them in this way. You sound like you harbour a lot of resentment - if you want to get on better you’ll have to just let it go and start afresh.

Book things in advance, be prepared to leave your dh to it at Xmas and go and have a lovely time with your own family, block their communications so they can only communicate with your dh, accept that they are vile now so you don’t waste years pandering to their nastiness and getting nowhere.
Learn to let their actions flow over you, don’t take any notice and definitely don’t get upset, that’s what they want.
If you have children, make sure the school office knows that they do not have your authority to collect children or attend events on your behalf.
If you get the chance, move as far away as possible.

Honestly, after years of trying, it really is the only thing that works.

And above all don’t give any of them a key

Some ils are just bonkers. My mil refused to acknowledge our dc. Broke my dh's heart - and spirit when fil followed suit.
We went nc.
Been 4 years of Pure Blissful Peace!!
(capital letter to emphasise the euphoria!)
Leave them to dh is my advice. Not your dna thank goodness.

Thanks for the replies.

I didn't have a negative attitude towards them to start with. It's through years of being treated appallingly. I can't give too much detail because it is very outing.

I'd like to leave it to DH (who is also exasperated with them, and the way they treat us), it has to be said. But I'd ideally like things to get better and they seem to be getting worse. Having attended an event recently, we did everything they asked for, and I still got a passive aggressive comment about Christmas and my diet.

DH has spent most Christmasses with them. We've probably had three festive seasons together in well over a decade. It isn't a case of it being 'my way or the highway'. I've tried. On one occasion I was able to sort things out with my family and we went there in the evening on Christmas Day and we were immediately told to 'shut up' because they wanted to watch TV.

Like Mariel says, they seem to disapprove no matter what I do.

If your dh is exasperated with them, he could choose not to engage with them but they would blame you for that too. You can’t win.

That's exactly it, Mintjulia. It all becomes my fault.

He doesn't want NC with his immediate family but would happily not bother with extended family if it wasn't so confrontational.

It's his immediate family I'd particularly like things to improve with. I don't think they dislike me (the others do). They are just very opinionated and used to being able to push DH around until they get what they want. I suspect they think I'm difficult because I don't always just go along with exactly what they want, like he used to.