To back off from my friend?

[1ditzymare]

I have been friends with this person for many years,from back when we were going out partying and drinking every weekend. Fast forward 15 years and I am due to get married, with a son and a mortgage and although she is in a relationship still lives with her parents, which is a non issue but just to give a bit of background.
She claims to be my best friend, but in the past few years she hasn't been much of one. She hasn't been to any of what I would call important events and other friends have noticed and actually commented that although she claims to be a good friend she never seems to be there for the big things. I'm pretty sure if I didn't get in touch I would never barely hear from her. On the rare occasions I do go out I always invited her, but then I would see she would go out and not even mention it to me until I saw it on facebook. She goes out a lot which is fine it is her life thats not the issue, but when I go out she then says to me how she can't afford these things (we sometimes go to the races, or to concerts etc) and almost makes me feel guilty.
She is due to be a bridesmaid and is planning my hen, but she planned a weekend of boozing which is the 'old me', and did not like it when my cousin told her she knew I wouldn't like that anymore and actually upset a couple of my family members and friends by being bossy claiming thats what we should do when they tried to suggest she knows me best. I messaged her and said I appreciate her efforts but I was thinking of going to a lodge for a weekend and should I take over the planning. She then replied saying ''Good luck, I've got no where with anyone planning it'' so I did and she didn't like it. I barely have any friends coming as it is and I didn't want her to put anyone off and upset them.
I just don't know what to do, I don't want to upset her or fall out (she is very stong minded) but I just don't feel we can carry on this way.
Any advice?

She's the friend of the old you. Just carry on as you are, let her know what your doing and dont chase her. If she wants to join in she will.

Be prepared for her letting you down on being a bm

It depends a bit what you mean by 'backing off'.

It sounds as though you've moved on from an old life and your friend hasn't. There's no right or wrong in that - it's just one of those tricks that time plays. You probably should have got someone who knew the more recent 'you' to plan your hen do - it is slightly unfair to expect someone who hasn't caught up with the way you have changed to know your new attitudes. I also think that expecting her to splurge on expensive outings is very different from going to the pub and having a couple of drinks - some people can afford £20 on a night out, but not £100!

I do understand that you don't feel she's been there for important events, and that you're not invited out with her, which is a big deal. The strong-mindedness sounds like a euphemism for 'wont' listen', which isn't an attractive characteristic either. Whether it's enough to abandon a friendship of some years of standing is up to you. Personally, I'd try to have some communication about it with her and see if you can't catch things up to a place where you're both comfortable with your old/new identities. Change can be difficult and challenging for both parties, after all. If it's a bridge too far, however, perhaps it is time to put a bit more distance between you.

Friendships change over time, especially if you are at different stages of life. She probably just didn't think when booking your hen do, and booked what the younger version of yourself would have enjoyed.
I don't think you need to back off as such, just love her for who she is, and remember your lives are different and you both value different things, you may feel a first birthday party is the be all and end all, but she might think it's boring. Don't take it to heart she just hasn't got to your stage yet, or wants to go down a different path. Stay friends, but maybe let go of the "best friend's" title, and look to move on to someone's more on the same page. One thing I really suggest is unfollowing her on Facebook, there is nothing worse than seeing all the stuff you didn't get invited to (even if you wouldn't want to go). All the best for your wedding!

I think by backing off I mean stop trying as much, stop texting to ask how she is as often, stop sharing my plans/problems with her.
She took it upon herself to plan it. My cousin is my MOH and she said she was very upset that I hadn't asked her to be and when my cousin started planning ideas she shot her down and took over. My cousin knows how badly I suffer from anxiety and has been there during my panic attacks which my friend hasn't as tbh I don't think she would be able to empathise, and when my cousin said this (that she knew a wild night away could trigger my anxiety) my friend didn't like it and just repeated she knew me better.
I can see the night out compared to the races price wise, but we could go in the cheap part or just have a takeaway at home - but it seems unless it involves going out rather than just my company she isn't interested.

As you've already expressed the suspicion that she wouldn't make much of an effort to get in touch if you didn't reach out, so maybe this is the time to ease off a bit and see what happens. By all means remain open to remaining friends, but as PP's have said, she's at a different stage in her life, in mindset if not in time. verticality's suggestion of a low-key meeting with no great expense involved, to reconnect with what you had in common, sounds an excellent suggestion.

Thanks everyone and thanks snitz for the well wishes! I’ve tried suggesting coming to mine for a meal or takeaway and she says yes then I never hear any more. I’ve actually seen her in the day before and she’s said she’s had no plans that night then I’ve seen her out - or she’ll say she’s going out but then never says “would you like to come?”

I forgot to add one more thing - went was there when I chose my wedding dress. She saw a photo of my dress on the companies website and tagged me in it putting “my friend bought this yesterday” for all of my Facebook friends to see..