to be shocked that this sexism

[kankenkanken]

I’ve just seen that some people think that it’s awkward or weird in some way if your DC’ dads go to parties or take DC to play dates because they will ‘stick out like sore thumbs’

AIBU to be shocked? I have a DS who is 18, DD1 who’s 14 almost 15, DD2 who’s 13.
When these children were growing up myself and my ex husband (whilst we were still together) took it in turns to take DC to many parties and play dates. My SIL claims it’s not normal as I’m in London and there are more modern views on men have active roles in their DC’ lives but is that really true or is she just projecting? My DC were young enough for these things in the 00s and first bit of the 2010s and that was a while ago now and our attitudes were based on equality so surely in 2019, we’re almost in the 2020s so why on earth do people still think parties for the DC are ‘mums’ roles!!

Aibu to be shocked as this wasn’t the case for me or any of my friends even 10/15 years ago, never mind now!

You are NBU to be shocked by this attitude. But I'm afraid, it is pretty prevalent and you're lucky that you never experienced it when your DC were small. There are threads on here often enough where posters say they wouldn't allow their DC to go to a play date where the dad is in charge/ sleepover etc.

Having said all that, we certainly haven't come up against any of that and DH, SAHD, is regularly asked to help as emergency childcare for one or two of DS' friends and handles multiple playdates.

It can sometimes be slightly awkward when meeting someone new as we're never sure if the relevant person is going to be weird about DH being the parent in charge.

My DH often does parties/school runs etc. Actually I see quite a few men at parties. He actually has far more tolerance for soft play etc.

My dc are 32 and 29, and their dad took them to parties because parties mostly happened in weekends when I was working. That would be early 90's, in Edinburgh.

@BlingLoving I think I saw you on my other thread

ExH and I both work full time and did so when the DC were little too but he could work from home in his study easily so would drop the DC off when he was ‘working’ and we never experienced any prejudice or difference in treatment to me dropping them off but I suppose we were lucky as many of our friends and DC’ friends parents

Woah there tiger, if this is the TAAT that I think it is, posters are advising a shy mum to not take her DH to her first ever kids party because she is shy, and if her DH goes with her it's less likely she'll talk to the other parents, who she says she doesn't really know (and would like to know better).

It's not sexism, it's socialising.

@loony
I think I saw that thread. People weren’t saying it’s so she could socialise with the other parents, the other mums

But this isn’t about that thread, it’s about what my SIL discussed with me like I said in the Op, should have made it clearer! Sorry

But i’ve seen it on a family group chat recently and it shocked me also *

@kankenkanken - yup. I think you're surrounded by crazy people at the moment. Maybe it's the heat!?

@BlingLobing
Oh God

I didn't read all the comments on the other thread, but I agreed it would be weird if the husband went along.
If he went on his own, fine, but both parents together seemed excessive and not something that's the norm round here for a nursery age party.
Mum or dad on their own though, wouldn't bat an eyelid. Whole family outing for a 3 year olds party (non family) slightly unusual.

YANBU to be surprised. I think it might depend on the activities or area or age of kids.

I noticed when my kids were tiny (in the '00s), and my DH was a SAHD, that some people made it very clear that my DH was not as welcome compared to when I did things due to and he felt he stuck out like a sore thumb mostly due to those people's attitude. We've since moved and now my kids are older, I notice a lot of dads at school or at my kids' activities or at parties (though generally now it's drop-off/awkward standing around at pick-up) even my youngest, who is about the age my oldest was when we moved to a different part of the same small city (nowhere near London).

Have a read on some of the comments on other topics and you will realise that reverse sexism is fine for a sizable ( but hopefully getting smaller) minority.

I really do think it's getting better. Even in just the 5 years since DS started school, I see a shift. DD is starting in September and at her induction days I'd say it was about 1/3 fathers bringing their little darlings along. Which suggests these men are equally likely to do play dates, drop offs, parties etc. I'm pretty sure at DS's induction there weren't many at all.

I rarely took DD to soft play and never took her on my own . OH took her and still does. He also takes her to any party that's not within 10 minutes walking distance,mostly on his own. I don't even have to ask him, he offers as soon as I tell him there's another party coming up.

On the other hand, I know a man who didn't even bother to come downstairs to his own daughter's birthday because he was pissed off with his wife and doesn't "like people".

Some men are dicks.

Sorry pressed post too soon

...and I think for some women it's easier to claim it's not the done thing or whatever, rather than admit they can't convince their partner to take part in some/all aspects of child rearing.

My DH works part time (we both do) and in his days off takes our children to lots of groups and activities. He is a very outgoing and friendly person, most of his friends are women and he's very confident in any situation, but even he came home from a class last week and said 'I give up, mums just aren't very friendly'. I said 'woah there mate, I'm a mum!' but did have to concede that on the odd occasion a dad comes to my groups, none of the mums really make an effort and they are eyed with suspicion in an odd way. A lot of DHs 'dad friends' also say that they would feel uncomfortable at a play group for instance. It's ridiculous really.

Parties I've been to it's also mainly mums in attendance. It was my DS's party last week and a couple of my friends (actual friends where we know the couple, rather than nursery mums) brought their husbands, but the rest was all women.

A friend I met at a mum group was really impressed because my DH would push the stroller and wanted to come to playgroups and would chat with the other mums, apparently her husband wouldn’t push a stroller if she was there, but I wouldn’t know because her DH would never come to playgroups or kids parties because ‘it wasn’t his thing’ tbh I’m not sure why he had kids, he doesn’t seem interested or capable of parenting them.

I think the attitude that play dates etc are a woman’s thing still prevails.
My husband is a stay at home dad and I work full time but some mums still try to message me to arrange play dates even when he sees them regularly and I have barely met them. (There is no history of unreliability from him or anything like that)

Quite common for both parents to come to parties round my way or either or. No-one would bat an eyelid if it was just dp and he wouldn't be the only dad there anyway. Odd that this doesn't seem to be usual elsewhere in the UK.