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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH pushing me away

21 replies

fingernailsbitten · 29/07/2019 10:21

My DH left me a few months ago. No proper reason why and I'm still trying to work it out and get him to open up about what happened and if we can work it out.

If I text him to try to open up a conversation he ignores the text.

He works shifts and I would have no way of knowing if he is at work or at the place he is living at. He never opens windows/curtains (never has as he prefers to watch TV in semi-darkness).

He used to be a good person and make me laugh and enjoyed socialising and playing sport.

I saw him a week ago as I had asked him to meet me face to face. He is putting on weight, doesn't play sport any more as he says he can't move about and said he has a hernia. I assume a doctor has told him this.

I asked if he is looking after himself and he shrugged his shoulders.

The bottom line is i love him and want to repair our relationship. He is what I want for the rest of my life. We've been married 20 years.

He is having a tough time and isn't coping too well. He left me. Why?

Does it sound like depression?

I have openly said that we need to communicate more and that if he can talk to me we can work things out (whatever it is). I support him and want to carry on doing that. He is pushing me away.

I texted him once on Thursday, once on Friday and once on Saturday. I've had no reply. I am worried about him. for background his sister does not speak to me and his brother is a private person and I predict would say he doesn't know anything and not to involve him.

My husband, whom I love very much, is pushing me away and it hurts and I can't make peace with it.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 29/07/2019 10:43

Find a counsellor you can talk all this through with. I can see it is unbearable to be stone walled about this by your husband but you don't know what's going on there and you need to think of your own well being, not just his.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 29/07/2019 11:22

Your Q is WWYD.

I have to say, your Ex H is making it very clear, he has withdrawn, he doesn’t want to engage, so I'd be making my future plans without him.

Depending on his frame of mind, your level of texting could be seen as harassment. You’re really at the level of begging for his attention, which he isn’t giving you. For your health and peace of mind, step away.

Do you have children together?

Sirzy · 29/07/2019 11:25

Do you have children together?

I think you need to back off as whatever is happening it doesn’t sound like your pushing is helping. Maybe you could ask a family member or friend of his to keep an eye on him but you need to respect that at the moment he needs space from you hence him leaving.

Original poster

fingernailsbitten · 29/07/2019 11:32

No we don't have children.(We have four pets).
We have a house and mortgage together.
We have a joint bank account.
We have utility bills.

I had been backing off. There were periods of three weeks with not a single text/call or whatsapp message between us.

I feel ghosted.

I have already asked his dad to keep an eye/ear out for him.

If the no contact continues for let's say a year what do I do? Carry on paying the bills and assume he is alive and well?

OP posts:

Juells · 29/07/2019 11:33

I think you should worry about yourself and your own well-being, rather than his. He's telling you in every way possible that the marriage is over. That's a very hard thing to deal with, I know only too well, but staying in touch is very harmful for your self-confidence. If you keep pushing he may say something that can never be taken back, that you'll obsess about for years. Leave him to sort himself out, he isn't worrying about your health or how you're coping.

BlueMoonRising · 29/07/2019 11:36

If the no contact continues for let's say a year what do I do? Carry on paying the bills and assume he is alive and well?

Yes, exactly that.

He doesn't want to be with you. He's made that clear. It's possible that in time he'll change his mind, but in the meantime you need to build your life assuming that he will no longer be part of it.

I know that's not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry about that.

Juells · 29/07/2019 11:37

And separate out your finances, that's a priority. Leave the joint account for the mortgage, but only put enough in for that. I'd also put a limit on the joint account so he can't start drawing on it for anything else, or run up an overdraft that you'd be liable for. Think the worst, just in case. If it doesn't happen, no harm done.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2019 11:38

The first thing I would do is put your money an a private account he doesn't have access to. The next thing is to get a solicitor.

justilou1 · 29/07/2019 11:40

I hate to spell it out, but regardless of what he may or may not be going through, you are not going with him. He has made it clear that he does not want you with him right now. I think it is best for your own mental health to let him look after his own self and you find other ways to make yourself happy. Focus on friends and family, and hobbies, etc. I would let him self-destruct if that's what it takes.

MulticolourMophead · 29/07/2019 11:43

I'd recommend getting this moved to Relationships.

And I'd be wondering about an OW. It seems men rarely leave a relationship unless they at least have another prospect lined up, and he is being very obviously he no longer wishes to be with you.

Another possibility is something like depression, but again he has to deal with that, you can't fix it.

Missingstreetlife · 29/07/2019 11:54

Ask him to come to counselling or see his gp. If he won't you need to consider yourself separated. Sorry op, you need to move on. His family will have to keep an eye on him

motheroffourcats · 29/07/2019 16:31

Thank you all.

I have now asked my employer to pay my salary to a separate bank account.

He isn't communicating and I keep overthinking it and trying to analyse but I will have to stop.

I won't start anything like seeing a solicitor as there is nothing to say/do.

Fortunatly we do not have a joint credit card. nearly everything e.g. utilities are in my sole name and always have been as I was the one bothered enough to set up direct debits. I hope he carries on contributing to the mortgage etc. It is due on Thursday 1st August.

I should tell Council Tax Dept that I am now living alone. They reduce the fee don't they?

motheroffourcats · 29/07/2019 16:31

sorry I forgot to change my name for that last post.

Original poster

fingernailsbitten · 29/07/2019 16:32

I'm a bit scatty today. Sorry. My mind is elsewhere.

OP posts:

mussolini9 · 29/07/2019 17:13

I won't start anything like seeing a solicitor as there is nothing to say/do.

I hope he carries on contributing to the mortgage etc. It is due on Thursday 1st August.

You cannot leave things in limbo like this.
You cannot go on "hoping" that he will pay his half of the mortgage every single month.
You need this documented, & you need expert legal advice to ensure that you 1) receive half of all marital assets & 2) are not left paying the full mortgage on your own.
You also need to ensure that you separate finances - especially if there are any joint accounts or credit cards - so that you are not left responsible for any spending that he may or may not be racking up in your name.

My DH left me a few months ago.
I am so sorry, but I think you are going to need to accept his decision. He is ignoring your communication attempts, is pushing you away, & yet you are still agonising him. It is YOU you need to be thinking about now. I know how hard it is - but you must start taking practical steps to deal with the reality of your situation.

Please don't allow your wish to hold onto some form of relationship with your Ex to jeopardise your own financial situation. He has moved on, & you need to start considering large decisions like will you buy him out of the marital home, or sell it & split any equity?

He has moved out. He is thinking about what he wants, & he is responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his feelings, or working out if he has depression, when he is at work or not, or what he does with his curtains when he is at his home. You are responsible for YOU, & you MUST start looking after your own interests.

OP I am not meaning to be harsh. But you must start being very realistic & practical. Please see a solicitor asap.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/07/2019 17:13

You must feel so lost. It is very bizarre behaviour, there is something going on I can see why your confused, how was he in your last few months together?

mussolini9 · 29/07/2019 17:15

yet you are still agonising him.
SO sorry - this should read "agonising over him".

Look after yourself OP x

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 29/07/2019 17:19

You have to accept the possibility you will never get the explanation you are hoping for.

It sucks rocks, but it may well happen.

2toe · 29/07/2019 17:30

You say you wouldn’t know if he was at home as he doesn’t open curtains etc, I’m reading that as you are actually going round to his house and checking, if so you need to stop. While it’s sad he has made it clear he no longer want to be married, you need to accept this, stop trying to see or speak to him.
See a lawyer, get your finances sorted, get the house sorted and accept you will probably have to sell and split the money unless you can afford to buy him out.

Original poster

fingernailsbitten · 31/07/2019 09:35

I'm having a quick meeting with a family law solicitor today to find out where I start.

I'm not going round to where he is living. I am not checking on him.

The last text I sent him was on Saturday.

I don't want my marriage to end. I can't help that I love him and want to help him if he is having problems. That's what a marriage is isn't it?

Would you accept someone walking out of your life after 25 years together and all you get told is I don't want this anymore? I though I have a partner for life. He's decided I'm not his partner for life.

Today I will find out what I have to do. Please understand I don;t want to separet/divorce and not have him in my life. I know I can't BE him or make him want to come back. Closure would have been nice.

He inherited from a parent just before Christmas although the house but the house is not on the market as he is now living in it.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 31/07/2019 10:28

Oh OP I am sorry, I remember my ex left it felt like someone stabbed me in the chest, every morning I jumped out of bed to check my phone a million times.
You sound like a lovely spouse doing all you can to contact him, it is important to put the last few months in perspective.
In light of his inheritance he used it to run to not sell and put the money into the marriage.
It looks like he knew he was going to walk away. I'm sorry
I am glad you are going to see a solicitor today, it may not be what you want but you need to move forward, it may jolt him in reality, it may not, but you need to put yourself first now.
I am truly sorry, it feels like they died without the funeral.
My only advice is to gain strength.

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