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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly miffed at no wedding present?

53 replies

StandingStillIsHard · 28/07/2019 20:53

Just want to know if aibu or not...

I got married last month, it was a very small occasion, with only 15 guests. My parents gave us a gift bag with some presents in, so I wasn't sure if these were from just my parents, or if my three sisters also chipped in.

I asked one of my sisters if any of the presents were from them, she said no, they were all from my parents. She then said she and the other two were going to buy us something, but they never got round to organising it in the end. She waved it off as if the matter was dismissed and in the past, so it doesn't sound like they're going to bother now.

AIBU to be a little bit miffed by this? They are all in their 20s with jobs so they're not kids. I know when they get married we will need/be expected to give them a nice present. It's not even that I'm a grabby person, it's the thought that counts so I wouldn't have cared even if it was something small but heartfelt, at least it would show some effort was made IYSWIM?

(And to put the cherry on the cake, one of them brought their new boyfriend (who I've met once) to the reception without even asking me if it was okay to do so. The boyfriend arrived and started eating food from our buffet without even congratulating us. I didn't say anything to sister about this to avoid ruining the day but I thought this was a little rude tbh)

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 29/07/2019 14:59

I do think it is mean and thoughtless, but maybe they think they have contributed in other ways. Saying that maybe clutching at straws and they could be just rude.

I don't understand your line:
I know when they get married we will need/be expected to give them a nice present.

It seems this is just your way of making a situation seem worse. Who would expect it ? the sister getting married would expect you to give a present even though she hadnt bothered? This seems very unlikely, but even if it is true, than thats her problem and you have a totally reasonable excuse not to.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/07/2019 15:43

It is rude. It is unfair, get them back when they get married.
I think it can be an age thing, I was early 20's when Dbro got married, none of my friend were married, I bought them a picture frame a nice one, I know it was a gift but SIL wasn't happy.
I now know to put at least a €100 in a card and more for a siblings wedding.

Bbang · 29/07/2019 18:59

@Andromeida59

I did say I didn’t expect gifts when I got engaged.

I was using it as an example. My point was I made the effort for others in my family as is expected of me so yes it hurt my feelings to know I wasn’t worth the same amount of effort.

Not grabby at all.

Emmasoph1 · 30/07/2019 16:48

I was married years ago and have a certain friend come without a present she told me she give it nxt wk ..never got it came to partys no presents so now i just dont invite..there was alot at my wedding that didnt give presents or cards . But this one friend wasnt invited now i think of it she came instead of her mam * dad & inn sure they did give a card but we never got it ..

HeckyPeck · 30/07/2019 16:53

You definitely don’t need to get them a gift when they get married!

Agreed!

iheartroycropper · 30/07/2019 16:55

I know when they get married we will need/be expected to give them a nice present.
There is no expectation for you to give them a gift. They have set the precedent, all you are doing is following it.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 30/07/2019 17:09

I’m always a bit Shock when people expect gifts for getting married. I do buy one, or give cash, but I see it as something you contribute willingly rather than something anyone has a right to expect from a guest.

The way I see it, if someone has taken the time and energy and money to travel to celebrate with you their presence is a gift in itself. I can’t imagine being upset that someone I cared about had come to my wedding, taken time away from work or their weekend, probably spent time and effort getting dressed up, and then feeling aggrieved because they didn’t also give me a gift. It just seems so incredibly entitled.

YABVVU OP.

Allli · 30/07/2019 17:19

It used to be that you had one year to give a wedding present after the wedding. I don’t know why that started, perhaps because people were poor. But if you want to keep the peace/solve future present issues you could always get hold of your siblings and say that “although you traditionally have a year after a wedding to give a present, and you’ve probably been saving up to get me and DH a nice gift, I was thinking it would be better to just have a pact that none of us give each other gifts. I have everything I need and you need your money for your home/wedding fund (or whatever) However, if you want to give me a card I will treasure it, as I’m keeping them all forever”. Although I will probably be viewed as crazy on here, you know you ain’t getting anything anyway and now you can refer to The Pact if you don’t want to give them lavish gifts for their weddings (I’d still give them something small when they marry though)! If they say they weren’t giving you anything you can always tell the truth and say that’s hurtful as you love them so much you’d hoped for a small inexpensive but heartfelt gift to remind you of them in your new marital situation. Likewise, if they say they weren’t getting you anything, tell the truth as per heartfelt gift stuff above. Or when they marry tell them you’ll gift them the same as they gifted you.....

Cosentyx · 30/07/2019 17:25

I never expected gifts when we got married. I think expecting one is grabby, tbh, but well, don't give them one when they get married. They expect it, too bad.

AJ1425 · 30/07/2019 17:25

We have 3 siblings and a step sibling between us, only one gave us a wedding gift which we did think was a bit bizarre that most of them didn't bother. A few months after the wedding we needed a washing machine and one offered to sell us their old one for £50 rather than the £150 they were asking as they hadn't got us a gift and they were buying a new one in their preferred colour. Erm no ta! We still gave gifts to those who have married since (even though husband didn't want to!)

Andylion · 30/07/2019 17:56

I did say I didn’t expect gifts when I got engaged.

Why would you post that you had received none?

Ilovefluffysheep · 30/07/2019 18:15

We had a few people not turn up to our wedding party (got married abroad, had a very low key relaxed party for friends and family a few weeks later). Three of those people messaged me to say they weren't coming, and asked for our address so they could send the card they had bought. Apparently all three then didn't bother sending them, as we received nothing!

We didn't give a hoot about cards and presents, made it known we didn't expect anything, but I did think it a bit odd that these people specifically asked for our address, then didn't bother posting anything.

SandyY2K · 30/07/2019 18:29

If they're good siblings apart from this, just let it go. I'd have been tempted to say something like... that saves me buying presents for you lot when you get married then eh.

Doje · 30/07/2019 18:37

This sounds like something I would have done at that age to be honest. In my defence I'd not been to any weddings and so wasn't really aware that gifts were a thing! How can you be until sometime tells you!

At that age I was a bit busy getting drunk and thinking I was soooo busy (ha, wait until you have kids, 20 year old me!) that stuff just escaped me. Not ideal, but not malicious.

sneakypinky · 30/07/2019 18:42

Our group of family and friends generally have an agreement to not buy wedding gifts.

Travel + hotel etc generally costs a bomb, we've spent thousands attending weddings in the UK and abroad. We're not buying a tacky picture frame on top of that.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/07/2019 19:01

YANBU OP. I would definitely have expected presents from my siblings. Why wouldn't you?

I wonder if it was because it was a small intimate wedding that they (erroneously) thought it unnecessary to bother?

Ragwort · 30/07/2019 19:10

I didn’t receive presents from my siblings or my DH’s siblings when we got married, we had a very small wedding & certainly did not expect or receive gifts. One of my siblings had an overseas wedding (we were not invited), I think I sent a card but no gift. I’ve said this on so many occasions but unless it is a couple setting up home together I really don’t see the need for wedding gifts, most couples these days are living together & have everything. If you can afford a wedding you shouldn’t be expecting gifts.

Sceptre86 · 30/07/2019 19:14

It is shocking that your siblings didn't get you anything for your wedding. Op clearly wouldn't have cared what they bought as long as they made an effort. Take this as a hint and give a card or whatever you can afford on their weddings. I have long since realised that there really is no point falling over backwards for people who just wouldn't do the same for you.

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/07/2019 19:27

None of the friends or siblings at our wedding gave gifts, only the older generations. Some gave cards, others nothing. it was fine and not expected of them since most were still students or first job etc. I think early 20's is too young to be giving expensive wedding gifts or cash, and maybe they felt silly giving something cheap or pointless that would end up in a charity ship, like those champagne flutes or teddybears.

We have been to several weddings in our 20's where we only gave a card because the bride and groom knew we could not afford to stay at their chosen destination and also buy something. Most 20 something weddings we attended specifically said no gift was expected because they would far rather celebrate with friends than have people decline over proper ettiquette.

I would let it go. They came to your big day and are presumably happy for you.

TheVoiceInTheShed · 31/07/2019 06:43

Please don't (as PP said) get your DM involved! Or address it with them!
If this is the way it is then just don't buy them one when their time comes, ask yourself this, did they do it intentionally to hurt you? No? Then LET IT GO

SadieContrary · 31/07/2019 06:52

We stipulated for no gifts at our wedding but have to say I was astounded when my DB didn't even produce a card! He did a reading, SIL was a bridesmaid and niece was a flower girl.

I let it go. Then I fell pregnant. Also said I didn't want a baby shower, however, as we live overseas, my friend emailed/text everyone asking them to write little notes with advice for us/ hello to the baby as a keep sake. The only people who didn't bother replaying? Yup - DB and SIL.

SIL is the first one to pipe up if anyone late or whatever with a card for her bday etc Hmm

Livpool · 31/07/2019 06:58

How weird and rude.

A nice card with a small gift is the least you would expect. A nice photo frame wouldn't cost the earth!

LayTheTableMabel · 31/07/2019 07:00

YANBU we didn't get so much as a card from my DH's side of the family at our wedding, still miffed about it.

Juells · 31/07/2019 07:23

Haha let them know now that there will be no wedding present from you when they get married. Otherwise, when the time comes they'll swear blind they gave you something but just can't remember what it was.

It would depend on my relationship with sisters how I'd feel about it, though. If distant I'd definitely make the point that they hadn't bothered their arses. TBH the gift from your parents sounds a bit meh as well :(

Userzzzzz · 31/07/2019 07:31

It is rubbish. Being in their 20s is no excuse. When I was a skint student I still got my sister a present.

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