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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexism or AIBU?

27 replies

TrailGrazer · 28/07/2019 20:51

Yesterday DH & I walked 30 minutes to our closest supermarket. We bought more than intended who doesn't and had two fullish bags.

I filled my rucksack with the heavier items (onions, potatoes) to carry and DH took both shopping bags. After 5 minutes I could see DH struggling (old back injury) and I insisted I take the bags. He refused (pride), we bickered, I told him it's 2019 just because I have boobs it doesn't mean I can't carry heavy shopping. I'm very fit and healthy and he was in pain.

Literally just as DH gave in and I'd taken the second bag from him, we turned a corner and a man (60s maybe, not sure if that's relevant) heading towards us said 'OI!' and we both looked up.

He jabbed a finger toward DH and said 'Why are you letting her carry the bags?'
DH said nothing, I gave the guy my deadliest death stare and replied 'because I haven't had an accident and broken my back in four places.'

The guy opened his mouth, closed it, then said 'oh'.

DH was completely silent the rest of the way home, then said 'see, I told you people notice that sort of thing'.

Really, though? I genuinely wouldn't notice who the fuck was carrying what - am I completely naive?

OP posts:
OakElmAsh · 28/07/2019 20:55

People would notice I think - at least I admit I would - or I would at least wonder what the reason was

That said, your DH has nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever, and while I might notice, I wouldn't say anything, unlike the chap in the OP, who thoroughly deserved being put in his place

JennaOfEluria · 28/07/2019 21:01

We've had this a few times. I'm in far better physical condition than my husband when it comes to lifting/carrying (he has a sizeable list of reasons, most recent being a hernia).

I don't know if it bothers people more that I'm stronger than my husband and I'm "emasculating" him by carrying stuff or if they're really wound up about a man not pulling his weight. In either case its blatant sexism.

The last time someone commented my husband laughed it off to the persons face and asked them where their time travelling machine was because he fancied a trip to the 1950s.

The truly ridiculous thing for people of a certain age is they must have honestly forgotten or didn't notice just how hard a woman's work was running a home before washing machines etc. I'd much rather carry a few heavy bags than use a scrubbing board and mangle!

user1480880826 · 28/07/2019 21:08

I would notice if one person in the couple was carrying everything and the other was carrying nothing (regardless of gender). But I wouldn’t say anything!

Original poster
TrailGrazer · 28/07/2019 21:12

Can't believe I've been naive, then, thinking no one notices that sort of thing.

I don't want my DH in pain but I don't want his (already low) confidence knocked by sexist twats either.

It's ridiculous!

OP posts:
Rezie · 28/07/2019 21:15

I never understand why people comment on things. It had nothing to do with him and nobody was danger to others. I think I might notice, but there wouldn't be any negativity about it and I would never comment.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/07/2019 21:15

I agree with user - if i saw one member of a couple laden down with multiple heavy bags while the other person skipped along beside them, unladen, i'd think it was quite odd, and rather unfair.... but i wouldn't really care enough to make a comment.

Would it not be easier to get really heavy shopping like potatoes and washing powder delivered?

blackteasplease · 28/07/2019 21:18

Have to say it must have been a funny sight when all the wind went out of the bloke's sails!
But yanbu. It must be upsetting for your DH.

Fraggling · 28/07/2019 21:19

I have noticed when there's a tiny woman laden with everything and a much bigger man with nothing. Not said anything obv!

I do think there are sexist expectations.

If a couple are similar ability then no reason for him to do it all.

If there is a difference in size strength then it can look odd to see the smaller one doing it, but v rude to say anything as you don't know why.

I let my dd2 carry 3 bags of shopping home today as she wanted to and I had nothing. That would have looked odd probably!

Sorry to hear about your dh back.

Original poster
TrailGrazer · 28/07/2019 21:22

Would it not be easier to get really heavy shopping like potatoes and washing powder delivered?

Supermarket is only a half hour walk, and I don't find the heavy stuff a struggle. Usually DH is fine to help (or pretends he is?!) but sometimes his back has flared up.

I was shocked the guy said what he did; just took me by such surprise anyone is that judgmental!

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 28/07/2019 21:22

My 15 year old son insists on carrying all his girlfriend’s stuff - games bag, book bag as well as his own. She says she can carry it but I think he just has some idea he should do it. He does carry the heavy stuff for me too (but I’m more than three times his age) so it must still be ingrained in society that men carry the heavy stuff even for the next generation. (His dad has passed away so it’s not learned from him).

Fraggling · 28/07/2019 21:24

Half hour walk each way with all the heavy stuff is not a quick nip out.

I love my delivery service.

I mean up to you obv! Even just once a month for bulky / heavy stuff.

I can't sell this to my mum tbh so know its not for everyone

Original poster
TrailGrazer · 28/07/2019 21:27

If there is a difference in size strength then it can look odd to see the smaller one doing it

I hadn't considered that. DH is average height but broad and fit looking. I'm quite petite. Definitely stronger than I look. Confused

OP posts:
DameFanny · 28/07/2019 21:34

Sexism for sure. And if you'd been carrying three bags and umbrella but DH was carrying one small baby, people would have been congratulating you on his contribution. Go figure.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 28/07/2019 21:40

This probably was sexism but I agree, it would look a bit weird if one person was carrying everything. I would think it was odd even if the other way round and dp would deffo tell me not to get any ideas (in a trying to be funny way)

Fraggling · 28/07/2019 21:40

I think there is sexism but also around need ability etc

Eg it would be expected if I were out with my elderly father that I would carry the bags

If he were out with a toddler he would carry the bags

Etc

So with man / woman there is a sexist piece, if they are similar age size I don't think people notice unless one is laden and the other free

Where the man is much bigger I think it looks odd. I was always keen to do my own thing and v independent, but. My work has me carrying laptop power lead etc home every day and there is a steep hill. (is expectation that all staff carry heavy stuff home every day sexist / agist /disablist, I am starying to wonder!).

Anyway sometimes he comes to meet me and I hand over my bag saying 'here you go packhorse!' and he rolls his eyes.. He's 5 years younger, literally twice my size and I've carried it that far.. And I am very grateful that he takes it tbh!

Sorry for your dh back, backs are horrible when they go wrong.
Ignore weird commenters.
Consider monthly delivery for the heavy / bulky stuff.
Hope your dh back improves.

Cryalot2 · 28/07/2019 21:40

People tend to be rude and not mind their own business. I have always found such so with 75+ mainly women .
Up until September when I had to start using a stick ( now i have sadly progressed to a rollator) I frequently got abuse for using disabled facilities. If I defended myseblf, was either told I didn't look disabled or looked too young
Not easy I know as your confidence takes a blow. Yesterday dh,dog and myself were beside beach, because of my stupid rollator I could only walk the path, and so dearly wanted to be on the beach and go into the sea, bad as it was I was overtaken by two women in their mid 80s who were doing what I wanted . They waved and made some coment . I just faught back tears.
Sometimes councilling helps comes to terms with illness .

Fraggling · 28/07/2019 21:41

I mean looks odd if the small one is much more laden than the big one

Original poster
TrailGrazer · 28/07/2019 21:52

It is sad that we assume strength on physical size.

Man carries bags - no one bats an eyelid.
Woman carries bags - everyone notices.

Urg. It's like when I had some friends around and they noticed my new kitchen tiles as they're a totally different colour (I said it was a DIY job) they said ooooh talented DH, I was lucky he could tile.

But I bloody well did it, taught myself with YouTube videos. And these friends are self-proclaimed feminists!

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 28/07/2019 22:16

Had this experience from old men (60+) a lot before I finally resigned myself to a wheelchair. Now we get questioned why we need a blue badge and a wheelchair instead!

BackforGood · 28/07/2019 22:35

I agree with user - if i saw one member of a couple laden down with multiple heavy bags while the other person skipped along beside them, unladen, i'd think it was quite odd, and rather unfair.... but i wouldn't really care enough to make a comment.

Me too.
It's not a man / woman thing, more an unfair distribution thing that would look odd, but it's nothing to do with me.
Tbh, I'd think it odd if the man were carrying 3 bags and the woman none, too.

BackforGood · 28/07/2019 22:36

Oh, and why not get yourselves a shopping trolley - they are fab. FAR better than carrying heavy bags

Fraggling · 28/07/2019 23:00

Shopping trolley also great idea.

Cheeserton · 29/07/2019 00:03

Yes, there are dickheads about. My brother got a foul, sarcastic mouthful from some young woman on an airport bus for not helping us with ours, and HER bags from the luggage rack, when he's bloody riddled with arthritis, was in a bad phase with it and just couldn't have. You wouldn't necessarily know to glance at him. There are a lot of these dickheads around.

Rainforevermore · 29/07/2019 00:40

There are men (mumsnet has certainly shown me!) who would think nothing of not pulling their weight and letting a partner do it all.
In this case the man's assessment of the situation was far from accurate, but I bet it often isn't.

ErrolTheDragon · 29/07/2019 01:09

I agree with user - if i saw one member of a couple laden down with multiple heavy bags while the other person skipped along beside them, unladen, i'd think it was quite odd, and rather unfair.... but i wouldn't really care enough to make a comment.

It might look odd but fgs why can't people think and realise there's probably a reason for disproportionate loading before opening their mouths?

We had an incident like this last year, when DH had a period of atrial flutter which basically meant he looked absolutely fine and could walk on the flat ok but that was it - he simply couldn't pump enough blood to do anything more. We'd bought a sack of bird seed at the RSPB reserve shop and I was carrying it to the car - I think it was 12kg so even though I'm small it was well within my capabilities. An older couple were coming the other way, one of them said jovially to DH 'you should be carrying that'... I'm sure I looked daggers as I retorted 'no he bloody well shouldn't, he's waiting for a heart op' or words to that effect . They looked taken aback, DH was a bit upset by it.

Yes, OP, it's probably mostly sexism. I doubt you'd have had a comment if it had been your DH that had been carrying everything and I'm damn certain I wouldn't!