Feel so lost

[Lostinspacecakes]

Been in a relationship for 9 years, we have 3 DC. I felt taken for granted, ignored, unloved and ignored. My head was turned by another man. We shared messages(nothing kinky!), he listened to me, he HEARD me. It felt so nice to not just be talked AT for the first time in a long time. I kissed him and I told DP.
I thought his reaction would be one of anger and he’d want nothing more to do with me. What I got was quite the opposite. He was devastated. Told me how much he loves me and I was so wrong to believe he’d lost interest and I just ‘should have known’ how he felt about me! My psychic powers must be a bit off.
Fast forward a month, we’re still under the same roof, DC are unaware of this. We’ve split up, and I’m moving out in the next week.
Neither of us really want this though. He can’t get past what I’ve done. I managed to get past a few things he’s fucked up with in the past but he can’t.
What can I do? Do I just give up and go? I’ve told him there’s no chance of a reconciliation once I’ve gone(too confusing for the DC.
Help me out please MN.

It sounds as though your partner has made up his mind.
You cheated on him, emotionally and physically and he is not u set any obligation to forgive you just because you feel you’ve forgiven his wrongdoings.

You sound as though you’re trying to absolve yourself of any responsibility in your cheating, citing it as your partner’s fault for how he’s treated you. I’m sorry, whilst you might feel your partner put you in a horrible position it doesn’t excuse what you did. You should have ended the relationship before you started another one.

All you can do now is apologise, accept your partner’s decision and figure out how to co-parent and support your children through this upheaval.

Flipping heck, it was a kiss not full on sex and it happened at a time when you were feeling neglected.

If your husband is prepared to break up with you over a kiss, he must have been looking for an excuse to do so.

I think just give it time, people do forgive these things, maybe a break is what you both need though. I'm not saying put your life on hold, but you made a mistake, this doesn't have to be the end, but that's up to him and he might just need time

Yes, Im with @Rachelover40 on this = he's using this as an excuse to end the relationship

Don't be disheartened OP - the relationship has run its course, you know you are better off out of this relationship. Your exP hasn't been there emotionally, for years, hence head turning and being susceptible to attention from another bloke.

Onwards and upwards

@HolyMilkBoobiesBatman agreed

I’ve also wondered if he was looking for an out, but he insists not.

I’m not trying to justify what I did. But I know I wouldn’t have done it if I felt I was in a loving relationship.

Hi OP

When did this happen? Have you tried counselling or a break at all? May be worth it before you both decide 100pc if you're both not sure

4 weeks ago. We’ve done counselling before and we didn’t really rate it. It has been suggested-albeit loosely- this time but nothing came of it. It’s been quite the rollercoaster

Not sure how we’d have a break without telling the kids? I’m going away for a few days with them tomorrow though... I do that quite often though so it might not feel like a real break to him?

Mammalian
I think just give it time, people do forgive these things, maybe a break is what you both need though. I'm not saying put your life on hold, but you made a mistake, this doesn't have to be the end, but that's up to him and he might just need time

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I think that is possible, I hope so.

I hope so too. Ido t want to move out, uproot the DC, tell them it’s over, and then, end up back together. I’d rather work on it now, so as little disruption and upset is caused for them

He is being ridiculous .

Did he have trust issues prior to this? It does seem drastic to end a marriage over a kiss.

No. Says he trusted me completely and never ever thought I was capable of doing this.
It’s the way I went about it that has done it. The messages etc

Have you considered that if he does decide to forgive you, he will likely return/ remain the same as before and you will continue to feel unloved and unappreciated? But worse because he can hold this against you?

If you both really want to move forward and recover then you do have to talk and talk properly, preferably with a professional but at the very least in a fully engaged fashion.

Your actions were wrong but so were his. Making some o feel worthless is awful. Your actions were a symptom of his.

Do you feel he could both forgive and change? If not then possibly it is for the best to split. Don’t give him all the power just to beg forgiveness.

I just think this sounds so strange. If neither of you really want to break up the you have to go back to counselling, with a different counsellor. Apart from anything else a break-up is massive disruption to your DC for the sake of a kiss.

Yes Matilda, I’ve definitely considers this. But over the last month, we’ve got to know eachother so much better. We’ve talked. Like, really talked. And listened too. I’ve told him I don’t want the old version of him back, only this new attentive one.
We haven’t kissed or had actual sex since all this, but there have been a few nights of passion. And it’s been mind blowing. Doing things that we never used to do. I didn’t really like the old him. But this new guy... he’s different

I hate that I’m giving him all this ‘power’. Like the ball is totally in his court. But I don’t know how else to tackle this?

You said that neither of you really want this, but surely if that was the case you wouldn't have split up and you wouldn't be moving out?

To me it sounds like you don't want to break up, but he does. And he has every right to feel this way and want this, as you cheated on him.

Maybe you should try talking to him before you move out, explain how you feel and what you want, but don't expect him to feel the same or try and persuade him to stay together, just because you now regret cheating on him and have realised you shouldn't have done it.

I don't think he's overreacting and I think the ball should be (mainly) in his court.

In a very weird way, I’m glad(definitely not the right word!) this happened. I genuinely had no idea how he felt about me, and we’d have carried on as we were, got married(wedding was booked-now cancelled) and I’d have continued to live the lonely, unhappy life I was living...

Like someone else said - you cheated on him emotionally and physically. It's not just a kiss.

I've seen similar threads to this but in reverse and the majority were saying LTB.

He might be able to forgive you or he might not but he will need time. You two need to talk and to continue to talk.

If one partner is unhappy with the relationship they are supposed to talk to the other and if communication and nothing else works, leave.
Not go and cheat and than make it all partner's fault.
He has a absolute right to be angry and if my partner did this, I wouldn't be able to trust him again. I also think that if someone cheats they basically don't want to be in a relationship with the first partner. Simple as that.
This wasn't just a momentary slip. This was ongoing.

I’d talked to him many times about how unhappy I was, but he never took me seriously.