To expect DH to get help for his anxiety now it's ruining our relationship

[JuiceIt]

H has social anxiety. I've always tried to be respectful of it and as a result he's hardly ever met any of my friends, very rarely sees my family etc...

He never comes to gatherings with me, even important ones like weddings etc ..

I understand that it's easy for me because I don't suffer like he does but it's really getting in the way of our relationship.

AIBU to think he needs to get some help? I find that everyone in the family instead just does whatever they can to avoid the situations at a negative impact on everyone else so that he doesn't have to face it?

I'm annoyed because I've suffered badly with anxiety when I had a health scare and it had a bad affect on our relationship. Because of this I went to counselling, sought help from the GP and got on medication. I am now tonnes better for it and our relationship really grew because I got help.

I'm not expecting it to be easy but I feel like everyone else is sacrificing so that he doesn't need to get help.

He wanted me to not invite anyone but my parents to our wedding, I was apparently selfish for wanting to have some friends there because I knew he'd find it hard etc...

I don't know what to do. I try to be accomodating but I feel like it's now effecting everyone in the family.

Is he content to carry on living like this? Or does he want to overcome his anxiety?
If he wants to overcome it, and seek help, I think you have a future.
However, if he doesn't want to change and you can't handle things as they are and will be in the future, I would say go your separate ways. I couldn't live like that.

YANBU and you'd be doing him a huge favour as well.

If he's not prepared to meet you halfway, then it's time to.consider whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

I couldn’t live like that. He needs to take steps to get better and let you both live a normal life

Leave him OP. This is not how you want to spend your life. You only get one chance.

YANU to request he gets help. He would be UR to refuse. If he refuses I think you should review your relationship.

I agree - ask him to get help and if he refuses, make a decision about what to do with your life. He is trying to make you live in a tiny room for the rest of your life.

If he’s prepared to avoid situations rather than get help, then there is no future for you as a couple. I was in a relationship with a man who had depression and was socially awkward in new or unknown situations: we ended up avoiding (usually my) friends and family, as he would get so wound up and horrible in the lead up to going out. If I managed to actually get him out he just sat there, refusing to make any effort. He would then berate me at home for taking him somewhere with ‘ignorant’ people who ‘made no effort’ with him - it was always someone else’s fault. He made a couple of half-baked attempts to get help, but these led to nothing. It was clear that he was perfectly happy with us staying at home every night, and going to visit his parents or my parents for a couple of hours on a Saturday. That’s no way to live. If you are planning to have DC then this will get worse: he will never want to take them anywhere - you will be doing everything and will be stuck at home with him in the evenings.

Poor you OP this sounds tough for both of you.

I think that sometimes it isn't a case of one of you being right / wrong or reasonable / unreasonable - just incompatible.

If it's really important to you for a partner to join in with certain things, and really uncomfortable for him to do so then it may just be that long term you aren't compatible.

I know it feels shit though, sorry OP

Regarding "getting help" let me throw some light in the current situation.
I have been active "getting help"
I have spoken to my midwife, my GP, and self referred to a mental health service for counselling.
So far I have got:

• midwife appointments that last 10 more minutes
• a call telling me that there is a big waiting list for counselling and that because I can only do evenings it will be weeks before I find something and likely to be 50 mins drive.

-GP telling me best to explore other avenues before meds'.

• an email referring me to a family centre which I already use and closed last month due to cuts.

Considering I am high priority on the list as I have a child and I am pregnant, well, I think people need to realise that "getting help" usually leads to nothing but frustration and sadness.

Oh! And I can only do evenings because I have to care for my child and have no friends or family, so really helpful

If it's really important to you for a partner to join in with certain things, and really uncomfortable for him to do so then it may just be that long term you aren't compatible

The thing is, I don't care so much about most things. Friends having a house warming/BBQ/general gathering for example. I'll happily go on my own. I like maintaining friendships outside of our relationship anyway so I don't mind.

But the bigger things like expecting me not to invite anyone to our wedding, not wanting to take the kids anywhere if there's going to be people around etc ... Really gets to me.

Do you have children with him? Has he been diagnosed? Anxiety can make people controlling, in an effort to avoid the feelings of anxiety. I have it myself, so I sympathise to a point, but there is also a level at which your anxiety is not the most important thing and shouldn't dictate how other people do things. I hope you're fully intending on inviting whoever you want to your wedding. Though perhaps you should rethink it all together - it'll just get worse.

@JuiceIt

But the bigger things like expecting me not to invite anyone to our wedding, not wanting to take the kids anywhere if there's going to be people around etc ... Really gets to me.

That's exactly what I meant my love, these are certain things that are really important to you and really get to you - but he can't or won't get on the same page as you when it comes to them.

It doesn't mean one of you is necessarily being unreasonable but it sounds like these are issues where you can't meet in the middle and so you'll both be unhappy on these occasions ☹️

Did you know he had SA when you met him?
If so, then what did you expect would happen. It would just go/disappear?

Like what’s been said it’s
Firstly. Very hard beyond what any of you make even think off! How hard it is just to go to the gp to be then told refer yourself, waiting list 9-12 mths
You manage to get the bottle to go ask for help then get the Wait

Why don’t you try to discuss with him, how you could help?
Baby steps to build his confidence
Say just 15 mins somewhere
But it needs to be little and often
Not once a week, too much time lapse in between

Do you think he just like it to be a small family unit, and it’s not social anxiety?

It’s not as easy as people think over coming SA
It automatically turns your parasympathetic nervous system on
Fight/flight- so it’s like
You have a bear in front off you
Would you want to stay there or run?
It’s exactly the same feeling, very frightening

This may sound harsh but does he have a professional diagnosis?

Or is he using it as a way to control things?

Either way, he sounds like hard work.

He did have problems in this sort of area when I met him but I feel like they've certainly got worse.

If he just made the effort into looking to get help I'd feel so much better but he thinks it's just how he is so there's nothing anyone can do.

I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. I've had issues with depression the past few years and it was having a negative impact on us but I went and sought help and I'm now much better.

I just want him to appreciate that it's everyone else who is having to sacrifice.