MiL changing son's clothes

[beyoncessweatband]

Let me say from the top - my son is mixed race
I find my MiL can be extremely ignorant on issues of race. I won't list all the examples but the one that makes me most uncomfortable (which I'm adding for context) is her fetish for black men and the number of times she's told me how she's always wanted to sleep with a black man because she's heard they have big dicks. She's 70. She's Says it in front of her DH too who just laughs indulgently.

DH has taken my son to see his mother. He sent me a picture of my son with different clothes on - assuming dc has made a mess of his clothes.

His mum changed my son's nappy and clothes. I just hate the idea of her seeing my child naked precisely because of the above. The idea that she'll be looking at my child and passing on her ignorant comments to other family members is making me very distressed.

I have other residual issues with her so maybe this is making me more upset than it should? Can I really insist that she doesn't see my child naked?

Obviously this is a public forum but I'd really like to hear from any black or mixed race women to get some perspective
Thanks

She’d have to be a completely sick perverted bastard to pass comment on her baby Grandson’s penis.

You are overthinking this. I'm sure lots of people make inappropriate jokes about grown up men (forget the colour or cock size crap) but that doesn't mean that they look at children the same way. If your Mum knew I expect she'd be horrified. I'm sure there are loads of women who profess to like a large / small cock, hanging to the left / right etc.... and so on. I also strongly suspect the same women look at children as exactly that - just children and not as a sexual object.

I don’t think comments made as an adult about adults would be reason to have any concern about her with her baby grandson

Well, I think she sounds very inappropriate and not the sort of person I’d want to spend a lot of time around my child, clothed or not. But the bottom line is, if you want to act on this, you’re basically suggesting to your DH and his family that his mum might be a paedophile. That’s a big call. So I suppose I would give this some really careful thought, and if I actually did believe my MIL was a risk to children, yes, of course I would act. Do you?

Brown woman here she sounds odd!

YABU. An overreaction. Half the women I work with (for the NHS!) discuss penis size jokingly. Doesn’t mean they want to look at a child’s penis.

If my granny had made a similar comment I'd have smiled quietly and thought that there's life in the old dog yet... sorry but I can't for one minute think she'll be getting the measuring tape out or even noticing.

I think these are two different issues you need to try to separate in your head. Obviously her 'jokes' are racist and obnoxious, you have every right to find them offensive. What does your partner say when she makes this sort of comment?

It's completely normal, though, for a grandmother to change a baby's nappy and I think it's extremely unlikely she would make any mental connection between her racist stereotype about black men's genitals and her baby grandson.

I'm not suggesting she's a paedophile - I'm just saying she has no sense of decorum and I'm suspecting at some point she'll say something stupid about him.

I understand, OP, but your DH and his family won’t.

You can prepare a reply for If and when she says something stupid. Otherwise, leave alone.

I think the worrying thing is she is racist and she is around your mixed race son. I don't think she is interested in him sexually but I don't think you do either, I think you are worried about her othering him to friends and family members by making some stupid comment, true or not, about the size of his nob. This is not the same as those dickheads who wink and say, "he's just like his dad" and other stupid-masculinist shit. It's that any comment she makes is about marking him racially to whoever is in earshot.

Sorry to say, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with her around any mixed race child. I think in the first instance, asking your DP to require that she makes no more racialising comments around you or your son. She probably is trying to show she's not racist because in her mind being racist is about openly making disparaging remarks. I wouldn't want to get into a stupid semantic argument with her but I would want your DP to state that every time she makes a coment like that - even something she thinks is positive about (all ffs) black people, she is drawing attention to the ways she thinks you and ypur son are fundamentally different from her, which isn't going to make you feel welcome or comfortable.

I'm just saying she has no sense of decorum and I'm suspecting at some point she'll say something stupid about him.

Not the same as her doing it. Tread carefully before inventing an issue.

Deary me.

Thanks everyone.