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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ignore my Dad at funeral

22 replies

SidSparrow · 28/07/2019 11:12

My Dad has always been moody and highly critical of everyone. Being around him is difficult. I'm never myself around him because he is so judgemental. I should also mention that though he's always been in my life he never raised me. Financially he's always helped out but emotionally he's never been there.

I am expecting with DC2. He asked me a few times if I had told my cousin. Each time I said no and that I would tell her when I next see her. My great aunt passed away and when he phoned to tell my cousin this he also told my baby news, even though I specificially asked him that day not to. He messaged me to say that my cousin was happy for me. I messaged back saying that I was going to tell her when I next saw her for lunch. I never used capitals or exclamation marks, no tone whatsoever. That was over a week ago and he has never messaged back. Usually I would have seen or heard from him in this time, and I know he's ok.

The funeral is this week. The day is not about me and my Dad and I will do my best to talk with close relatives then leave. (my Dad wasn't close to my aunty) But knowing my Dad he will talk to me like nothing has happened. I'm so angry at him. When he behaves like this it takes so much out of me. Then as always I'm expected to brush over it because he has gotten over it. I want him to know it is unfair and unacceptable.

As a new parent I am finding it really difficult having him try to be the doting grandfather since he was such a terrible father. I feel like with DC1 he has been given a gift he really doesn't deserve and it adds insult to injury when he still treats me badly. I don't feel cruel enough to stop contact his contact with DC1 but my days of putting up with him are at an end.

I feel so helpless in this situation. I hate confrontation and he is so defensive that talking to him is out of the question.

AIBU just to ignore him? Any ideas on what to do about this difficult man?

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 28/07/2019 11:14

'AIBU just to ignore him?'

Yes a funeral is the wrong time to carry on this saga with your dad.

ddl1 · 28/07/2019 11:16

YANBU to be upset with your dad. YABU to choose a funeral as the place to show it.

Whoops75 · 28/07/2019 11:21

He sounds v like my father

I went low contact after I had my first child and then no contact after my last.
He used to paralyze me with his behavior and I couldn’t shake it off for days/weeks.
I didn’t want my children to see me being treated badly and not speaking up.
It was the opposite of what I was teaching them and I felt like a fraud having him in my life when he added nothing.
My father wasn’t a good grandparent so kids were going to be second generation doormats.

YANBU to ignore him, at the funeral and in the future.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 28/07/2019 11:25

I should clarify when I say ignore I mean avoid. I'm not a silent treatment type. Just few words, only say what's needed. I can't be callous which is probably why I'm still putting up with his rubbish.

OP posts:

Original poster

SidSparrow · 28/07/2019 11:31

Thanks Whoops75

He dotes on DC1 but I find it difficult. I don't like what he says. It's all very joking but negative and derogatory. 'You're silly'. 'You're terrible' etc. There's never any encouragement, or a supportive angle. I can barely listen to it. It's like he means well but he is just utterly clueless.

I watch and think to myself - no wonder I'm so fkd up.

OP posts:

PettyContractor · 28/07/2019 12:10

But knowing my Dad he will talk to me like nothing has happened.

I probably would as well. I wouldn't be pretending, it genuinely wouldn't cross my mind that there was a problem. (I'm a man, if it makes a difference. I suspect it does.)

OK he was explicitly told that you wanted to do it, but to a man a pregnancy that wasn't caused by him is not that much more interesting than the weather report. (OK, a slight exaggeration for comic effect.)

I'm with your father. He's acting like nothing has happened, because nothing has.

(On re-reading, I see you think you are getting the silent treatment from him. I can't comment on this, for me "silent" treatment would mean no communication for over a year, rather than a single week.)

PettyContractor · 28/07/2019 12:14

I didn't really finish my thought: if I think a pregnancy is of not much interest or signficance, it follows that ignoring a request to keep quiet about it, while wrong, is not something that should still be on anyone's mind a week later.

(I know lots of women here will disagree with me, I'm just give a different perspective.)

saraclara · 28/07/2019 12:14

You're going to a funeral. You behave accordingly. This is one event that's absolutely not about you.

Grow up.

MarthasGinYard · 28/07/2019 12:26

'He dotes on DC1 but I find it difficult.'

He may say 'silly' or other things which you dislike but he has a relationship with your dc. Don't make all that completely negative because of your own relationship with him.

And a funeral is not the place to take your Ill feeling towards him even if they are valid.

onalongsabbatical · 28/07/2019 12:33

I'm a woman but I pretty much agree with PettyContractor. No-one used to worry about this kind of stuff. You told someone you were pregnant, they told someone else who told someone else and so on, and no-one cared literally. I can see that there's much more to your relationship with your dad, but on the basis of this to ignore him at a funeral is really poor. Just be polite and kind all round. It's that kind of occasion.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 28/07/2019 14:08

I've read the comments. I did say the funeral is not about me and him, which is why I wouldn't make a point of ignoring him. Instead I would be giving my time and focus to those who need it that day. However, I guess what I didn't make clear is that my days of putting up with his nonsense are near at an end. I can't put myself through it much longer because it's too emotionally taxing on me. My energy is for me and my family now. And this has made me realise that this relationship is something I need help with. Coming to terms with all what I have been through with my Dad is too much for me to deal with on my own. Every time something like this happens, something that seems quite small, well, it feels like a tonne of bricks on my shoulders. It brings up everything.

I appreciate what you're saying Pettycontractor it wasn't really a big deal but made one by ignoring me, again. A quick sorry or oops would have done. I do know that he is avoiding me, and it is hurtful because I don't deserve it.

Grow up? I half resent that comment but it was a reminder that I have always had to be the grown up. So I have messaged him to see exactly what is going on. Maybe he would leave it until the day of the funeral but I won't.

Thanks for all the input.

OP posts:

Whoops75 · 28/07/2019 19:57

It’s death by a thousand cuts.

The pregnancy announcement was one of many times he didn’t consider the op’s feelings.

Having to be the grown up when you’re parent has never done it is asking a lot imo

Good luck op
Having a crappy dad is tough x

RubbingHimSourly · 28/07/2019 20:00

All this because he told your cousin you were pregnant ? Possibly to cheer her up after her mum / Auntie died ??

God I think you need to grow up. And a funeral really isn't the place to be carrying on such childish behaviour.

NCforthis2019 · 28/07/2019 20:04

A funeral is not the place to be dragging this too - good god, someone close to you has died!

Sagradafamiliar · 28/07/2019 20:09

Agree with Petty.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 28/07/2019 21:02

Thankyou @Whoops Yes, it is death by a 1000 cuts. It's nice to see that someone gets it. This is making me genuinely miserable.

RubbingHimSourly I am not an insensitive person. Out of the three people mentioned in this, I was the one closest to Aunt who passed. My Dad who lived pretty much next door never visted her, I tried to see her as often as I could. My cousin is a very distant relative who has only ever met her a few times.

I know a funeral isn't the place to carry on 'childish behaviour', which is why I'm hoping my Dad can be an adult and respond to my message which I sent this afternoon. Also, if those criticising actually took the time to read my posts you would see that I have no intention whatsoever to hijack a funeral with a personal vendetta. If there is one thing I understand is grief (unfortunately), so when it comes to funerals and grieving relatives I know exactly how to behave.

OP posts:

70sWitch · 28/07/2019 21:14

People who haven't had to deal with a parent like this don't get it.

No, you WNBU to distance yourself and only be as civil as the occasion calls for. And afterwards, start considering how to cut him out of your life.

Sounds to me like he doesn't bring you anything but stress.

billy1966 · 28/07/2019 21:32

OP, obviously this is just another thing that he has done to annoy or hurt you.

I honestly don't understand why he's in your life.

So what if he is a grandfather.
He doesn't automatically have a right to have a relationship with your child.

It's very nice if children have a lovely relationship with their grandparents but it is not critical.
Particularly not if the grandparents were awful parents.

Your father was a crap father whom you felt was neither kind not supportive.

Yet you now have in your life because of your child so he can be a doting grandfather.

I would be having none of it.

He brings you stress and upset.

Don't see him. It really is that simple.

Why after a lifetime of disinterested behaviour from him does he suddenly have the right to be all over your life because he has a grandchild. Big deal.

I would think long and hard about what you want for your life going forward.

He made his choices and has to accept the consequences of his actions.

Best of luck.

73Sunglasslover · 29/07/2019 00:41

I think it would be best to say directly to your dad that you're cross with him for disregarding your clearly stated wishes. I'd tell him that you will no longer be able to share news with him ahead of it being public unless he understands how much he let you down by breaking your confidence. I'd tell him that you need some time with little contact as you are very angry with him right now. I'd tell him all that before the funeral. I think it is very shit when someone disregards your wishes and it is a big deal as they are demonstrating a lack of consideration that runs deep and opens old wounds. Feeling for you.

Bookworm4 · 29/07/2019 00:47

If he upsets you so much stop taking money from him, that’s hypocritical. Is this a new thing getting annoyed at someone mentioning a pregnancy? How pregnant are you?
I agree with pp you do need to grow up, everything isn’t about you.

73Sunglasslover · 29/07/2019 08:04

This seems really harsh. It's not new to want to share your own good news. It's not new to want to keep pregnancies private until a certain stage. The OP is clearly really hurt from many years of being let down by a man who doesn't really think of others. There's nothing to suggest she thinks everything is about her - the opposite in fact as she's been really clear about not wanting to make any kind of scene at the funeral. But when someone has broken something she told them in confidence that IS about her.

Yabbers · 29/07/2019 15:49

I wouldn't be pretending, it genuinely wouldn't cross my mind that there was a problem. (I'm a man, if it makes a difference. I suspect it does.)

There was a problem, he did something she specifically asked him not to do. It’s not up to him to decide if he can ignore her wishes. If her pregnancy was so insignificant to him, why would he feel the need to mention it to a cousin?

If you behave like this, stop it. When you are asked not to do something, don’t do it. And don’t make the fact that the person you betrayed is angry about it, all their problem. You cause a problem by being a dick, you apologise for it. Better still, don’t be a dick in the first place.

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