feeling pressured

[Lilyannarose]

I've recently experienced both nhs and private counselling.
I just wondered how people felt about private?

I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, depression and PTSD.
I had ten sessions allocated on the nhs, but by the time they came to an end in April I had only just reached the point where I was starting to open up.
As I still have a lot to work through, I decided to look elsewhere and pay for private counselling as there is no waiting list.
I found it helpful to begin with, just talking and crying.

Two weeks ago my children's father (my ex) let me down with child maintenance payment (he has a huge gambling problem) which meant I had to manage my money extra carefully (nothing left over to pay the £40 a session counselling as it totals up to £160 per month, which for a single parent/ full time carer to my youngest child who is severely disabled is a lot of money, particularly when my ex is so unreliable).
I still feel low and tearful, but the option just isn't there at the moment.

I sent my therapist an email two weeks ago explaining that due to the summer holidays I will be unable to book any more sessions for the time being, as my youngest requires constant care/ supervision due to his disability and there is no child care available during school holidays. I didn't mention the financial issues at that point.

She replied with "If that's what you want to do, that's fine, however I am mindful that it is a long time to wait until September".
I replied reassuring that I would be fine and that I am able to keep myself busy over the summer holidays and not dwell on things so much.
She accepted that (or so I thought) and replied with "Have a lovely holiday. See you in September".

One week into the holiday, I get a text from her saying "Would you like to book an appointment before September?"
I sent one back saying I'm sorry, but as I mentioned before, I don't have child care arrangements for my disabled child during school holidays.
I also briefly explained about my ex letting me down and that I realistically can't afford it at the moment.
No reply from that. Not even a "That's fine. Take care".

It has made me feel as though I don't want to go back at all now.
Even when my ex doesn't let me down with maintenance, it's still a huge amount for me to be spending on myself, when it could be going on something for the children. I manage my money very carefully (which is why I thankfully have some saved for emergencies when my ex lets me down).

When I chose to try private counselling, I read on the website that they offered concessions for those in certain circumstances (including my own) but it turns out this isn't the case.

I appreciate she is running a business (she still has an advanced payment of £40 from me as I always paid a week in advance. I'm not going to ask for that back), but the text in the first week of the holidays asking me to make an appointment now rather than in September when I had already explained my circumstances (that I'm a full time carer) has made me see things in a whole new light.
The tone of the text was quite demanding, rather than concerned for my well being.

Please be gentle as I'm feeling particularly low this morning.
I think I will go back to my GP and take it from there.

I mean this gently, OP, as I can see that you’re feeling upset, but it’s very hard to read the tone of a text. I expect she was just giving you a reminder that you had the option to see her, rather than being demanding. Remember you hadn’t previously mentioned your financial straits.

As you have found her helpful before this, I would forget about this minor incident and return to her in September as planned.

Well, one of the problems with going for private therapy is that the therapist has a personal investment in you attending and paying for sessions whether you need them or not. With NHS therapy there are limitations but you’re not paying up front and the therapist’s mortgage payment isn’t dependent on your attendance. I’ve known private therapists who’ll keep clients on for literally years who aren’t moving forward or benefiting in any way without an honest discussion that that’s the case. It’s a real classic conflict of interests.

I wouldn’t be impressed in your shoes as you already told her you weren’t going to be going back until September: if she was genuinely just checking up on your well-being she’d have phrased it as something like ‘hey, I know we’re not due to see one another again until September but I just wanted to remind you that I have sessions available before then if anything changes or you need one. Hope your summer is going well, therapist’.

If you don’t get a good feeling from this find someone else. You could always get back in touch with the NHS and ask if you’re eligible for another course of ten sessions. In my local trust they allow that.

Hmm, I don’t see it as minor Pineapplefish. OP was clear she’d be back in September. A week later therapist messages as if that discussion never happened. Like she either forgot, or wanted to try get OP back anyway. And a therapist more than anyone understands that tone matters both verbally and in written communication!

Therapy is a bit of a funny one. In your shoes I would leave it. £40 a week is a lot of money - but you are entitled to spend some money on yourself. That being said if you are struggling financially it makes sense to look at where savings can be made.

I still see it as relatively minor, sorry. All she did was send a quick text reminding the OP that she had the option of an appointment.

I think it’s more the reasons as to why she did what she did than what she did, pineapple

I think it's a bit of both. She's running a business and she might be checking in on you. Just because she's trying to make money does not mean you're not benefitting. Only you can decide if you are.
If you're keen to get someone who isn't conflicted about your number of sessions go back to the nhs
Btw don't just let the £40 go. Why should you? You can have one more session with her. Good to have that in the bank before you get seen via the Nhs.

Maybe she just really thinks you need the session and was trying to help?

OP: another option is to use your paid for session and bring this up with her. Any good therapist can listen to feedback from their clients and respond sensitively. You could simply tell her how you interpreted her message and how it made you feel. And she then has the opportunity to either explain where she was coming from and you can put it to bed and continue, or you may decide depending on how she responds you don’t want to see her again.

A good therapist would be really glad to know if something they’d done had been received badly to have the opportunity to work through it: evidence shows a therapeutic bond that’s undergone some kind of difficulty and been repaired is actually stronger and more effective than one where everything has always gone swimmingly.

Would you feel able to do that?

What JemimaPuddlePeacock said.

There are pluses and minuses to both private and NHS counselling but all counsellors work under the ethics of putting the client first. They are not mind readers. 😊. Communicate with your Counsellor, she won’t be offended.

all counsellors work under the ethics of putting the client first. well... they should! But sadly there are unscrupulous ones like in every profession. And they don’t tend to last long in clinic work (NHS, voluntary sector etc).

Yes; I should have said ‘should’.JPP. Thank goodness they seem in the minority.

OP in the NHS locality I work in there are several voluntary organisations that offer free or very cheap (donations of £3.50-£10) counselling sessions. There is also a Women's Centre. Is there anything similar where you are? £40 whilst seems to be the going rate for counselling is a lot.

I can understand how you are feeling and you may be misinterpreting the text. As suggested why not use your pre-paid session to discuss this in September?