To stop tidying up?

[BillyWilliamTheThird]

Just that really. I have a hunch that I am the only mug who picks up anything in my bloody house. I moan about it constantly, always going on and on about how "I'm the only one who ever tidies up" until even I'm sick of the sound of my own sodding voice, and it makes no difference anyway.

I keep saying - in my boring moany voice - "I'm going to stop picking up everyone's stuff" and I'm fed up of nagging the DCs (8 + 10) and DH (45 going-on-15) to tidy up so I've decided I'm going cold turkey.

No more tidying of other people's shit.
No more nagging.

I think one of two things will happen:

1. I'll go mental from all the manky plates and shoes and Lego strewn around the place and I'll decide that tidying up is less painful than living in the clutter and then I'll stop moaning about it
2. I'll become blind to it like the rest of them seem to be and my house will turn into one of those terrible C4 programmes where they intrude on some poor hoarder.

But hopefully 3. They will realise what shockingly filthy, ungrateful arseholes they all are and start taking their fair share of responsibility for the state of the house.

Has anyone else done similar? Who broke first; you or them?

I tried this and I’m sorry to say I broke first.

Much like you I was sick of the sound of my own voice and being a nag, when in reality if they just fucking did it in the first place we would all be much happier.

I’ve resorted to listing everything that needs doing over the course of a week and my DS11 has to pick some jobs that he will do and DP has to choose some too, so I’m not acting the martyr and doing it all through gritted teeth.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s by far nowhere near fair in terms of division of labour, but it’s a HUGE improvement.

I also introduced the “never leave a room empty handed” rule and that helps massively. It’s something even young children are capable of remembering and hopefully leads to tidiness becoming a habit rather than something we have to beg for.

Good luck!

Haven't been in this situation, but my advise is to stop tolerating your children's laziness. They don't pick up, there will be consequences they will NOT like. No back talk, no compromise. Yes, you are their mum, but that doesn't mean you're their servant, not at their ages. As for your husband, I would stop doing a single bloody thing for him. Get a basket, chuck his shit in it and let him deal with it all. I wouldn't do any laundry for him and the lazy twat knows where the kitchen is if he's hungry. Stop allowing yourself to be his mum.

Laundry and cooking are less of an issue; we're pretty good at sharing the loads.

He never, ever puts his clean laundry away though so my solution - after a month's worth of clean clothes have built up in a pile next to his side of the bed - is to ram it ALL in one drawer really, really tight and then just squeeeeeze it closed, or I shove it all in a carrier bag under the bed. Then when he complains I very sweetly say "if you don't like how I put your clothes away then you could do it yourself."

It's childish and passive aggressive and it most importantly it doesn't work. So I'm not going to do it any more.

I have been known to bundle all the kids' shite into the car and drive it to a charity shop, but that was before they owned expensive shit like iPads.

Have a spare box on hand, write “donate” on it and make sure it’s visible. Start putting shit in there if it’s been left. Leave the box by the front door. See how fast they put their stuff where it belongs when they think it’s off to charity.

Heymummee now that I like.

What about bedrooms though? Do I just let it go? Respect their space or some such shit? Tell the cleaner not Togo in if they haven't tidied up and then let them suffer the consequences?

I tell the children to pick up all their stuff as I will be cleaning in half an hour and anything left out will be gone (I put it away somewhere and they don't get it back until I decide). Mightn't work too well with plates

I can’t live in a messy house so going cold turkey is not a option.
I do not do the house alone though. Even my 3 year old takes their plate out...that may seem crazy to most, but it’s normal for us as standard and we pull together it’s not just mum and dads job to do the house all the time, it’s a team effort, we all live here! (The 3 year old doesn’t do more than that and tidy her toys away with help....we’re not monsters)
I tell the kids to take their plates out, put washing in the basket, tidy their rooms, but food away after themselves....they manage fine.

They will not start tidying. I have to say ‘ok your friends can’t cone over until you’ve cleaned your room’. Or ‘we’re not doing X until you’ve each picked up everything that’s yours ir you used’.
But I’m not tidy either do I don’t really have the moral high ground here...

See this is it. I tell the kids to do stuff like take their plates out and pick up their stuff. I remind them to take stuff upstairs. I nag them to keep their rooms reasonable. I am irritated beyond all belief when they leave their dirty clothes on top of the laundry hamper instead of lifting the lid and putting clothes in.

It's not like this is new stuff; since being able to walk they've been expected to do these things so why haven't they learnt yet? And more to the point, why am I the only one who gives a shit? Why doesn't DH see the crap lying around?

I have a friend whose house is just unspeakably messy and it makes me really sad. I know that's what my house would be like if I went away for a month.

Institute a few house rules

1. Dirty clothes not put in the correct place do not get washed (including school uniform - if it isn't put out by Saturday pm they have to spend time washing and ironing it on Sunday).
2. People who don't put away their clean laundry do their own ironing - if DH can't be arsed one week he also does his own.
3. People who don't put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher don't get fed.
4. Things that are not put away are chucked out - for high value tech they are tidied away into a locked case for a week

If you don't crack I give it 2 weeks and they'll be tidying up....

Pack tidying, where you blitz a room at the same time together, for a short time set on a timer and everyone has a bag for their shit really works, but I haven't solved the problem of them fecking moaning for the entire duration of it.

I don't know what the answer is. I've gone on strike before and I always crack first. I get so pissed off. I dream of living on my own sometimes.

Yes.

These are rules I can uphold. I have just told DH and he agrees. I don't iron anyone else's stuff though, ever, so I just told him that if he doesn't start putting his clean laundry away then I won't put any of his dirty stuff into wash and I won't bring anything of his that's currently drying in off the line or airers.

And his feckin shoes will probably be the first things in the "DONATE" box.

Quellium I dream of winning the lottery and buying a stately home where I have a wing to myself and the messy buggers have to wait for an invite before they're allowed to come and visit.

What I have done in the past is told each member of the household that anything left lying around at the end of the day goes in a bin bag and will be binned. This can work with toys/belongings but not so well with discarded crisp packets.

I see this from the other side, my mum is obsessed with tidying up, she can not tolerate a single thing being out of place and therefore my memories of her growing up are constant nagging and threats about her going to stop tidying up, which she would never follow through on.

I finally realised how ridiculous she was when I first took DH to meet my parents and we were sitting in the kitchen with my DB and DH had put a magazine on the table and DM came in and announced “it looks like a bomb’s gone off in here” and snatched up the magazine to tidy it away, DB and I are so used to her that it went completely over our heads and DH was left very confused as to why she was so upset over a magazine.

Don’t become my DM, let your house be a bit untidy, it’s not the end of the world.

could you get some baskets for each person's stuff, and chuck it in so stuffs out of the way but not time consuming. and dirty cups go in with shoes and clean shirts. not your problem.

have them tidy their basket before you do anything for them. lift to friends house? is your basket empty? snack? is your basket empty?

I feel the same but my DC are only 2 and 4 mo the so I expect to pick up after them. My DH though just doesn’t see mess or dirt. He leaves plates and cups everywhere, his work shoes in the middle of the floor and his work bag thrown in a corner. Coats on the back of dining chairs. Can never find his keys or wallet as he has discarded them around the house somewhere! Drives me insane.

I have a 9&11 yr old. They do help, as me tidying up all the time while they sit on their backsides means that we don't have time to watch films as a family, go out for dinner, or they can't have friends round due to the mess. I take the passive aggressive approach and it works. If they are really bad I won't give them their pocket money - I've rarely done this as the threat is effective.

Have a daily list of jobs for the dc. The wifi doesnt turn on until the jobs are done. (Get a router with a guest network option and only let them use that one so you can isolate their devices)

Make some structural changes to make it easier for everyone to keep the place tidy
No lids on laundry baskets
A ‘your shit’’ basket on the stairs for each person, all their shit that is out of place gets put in it. If it overflows the lot goes in a bin bag
A your shoes basket for DH shoes, make the kids responsible for putting his shoes away every day (put the job on the list) then they will nag DH.
Every 2 weeks tell the kids on Friday night that you will be cleaning their rooms on Sunday morning (or whatever timing). Anything on the floor or strewn on the dressers etc will go into a bin bag and they have to strip their beds and you will leave clean sheets for them to remake. Then actually bin bag stuff

OK so day one with an amalgamation of all the above went well.

The living room was a bomb site - which is fine, they were playing - so I gave them until I'd got out of the shower and then all the shit went into the DONATE bag. Miraculously, all the shit was gone out of the bag and away in bedrooms by the time I'd dried my hair

The DCs tidied away their plates when I told them there'd be no dinner if they didn't.

DH hadn't put away his clean clothes in our room, so all his stuff out on the line stayed out there. Everything is away now.

I have done less, am much less stressed, and haven't nagged once. DS was a dick about tidying away his bowl until I reminded him he'd get no pudding if he didn't. DD is just learning that if she leaves last night's cheesey milk cup in her room 🤢 then she won't get fresh milk at bedtime tonight (currently muttering something about how "I wish these rules weren't even invented" )

They know me well enough to know that I follow through on my threats; apparently it's only when I do "woe is me" moaning that they take no notice (if I were a real martyr then I'd read this as them caring more about their stuff than about my feelings).

One day down, a lifetime minus one day to go...

Stripysocks it's ok. I'm not anywhere approaching obsessive. My dad is a clean freak and the DCs accuse him of loving the Hoover more than he loves them. Our house is far from spotless as we have no time to clean it and a cleaning lady who turns up when she feels like it!

However the house is too small for four people, a dog, and clutter. And I'm sick as fuck of being the person who manages it all.