What was this?

[beckywiththegoodhair27]

Don't really know where to post? NC as been frightened of asking this for a while.

A few years back I had a short lived fling with a total narcissist. I was going through a bad patch. Just come out of a long term relationship, family issues and lots of other things. He sucked me in, treated me very badly then spat me out.

During this time we spent a lot of our time together drinking. He was definitely a borderline alcoholic and I was drinking more than normal due to my circumstances. When we'd have sex it would take him ages to finish, in fact he rarely did. Sometimes I'd have enough and fall asleep and wake up and he'd be trying or or actually having sex with me. Because I was usually drunk I felt like I couldn't really say anything the next day.

Other times I'd go round on my lunch break for a coffee and he'd do things like not let me leave the house unless I really made a fuss. Really weird.

I can see it was abusive but the sex thing in particular bothers me. I hesitate to call it rape but he definitely treated me with little to no respect. The worst thing is it was someone I still have to see quite often in a
Professional capacity. I've moved on and am happy with a lovely new partner but trying to
Make sense of what actually happened. Do I just chalk it up to drunken antics gone wrong?

If anyone could help make sense of this it would be good

I don't have any advice OP but I couldn't read and run

I'm guessing he was drunk too? He may not have noticed or he may have and there's no way of knowing. However, there have been some stories over the years where a man was charged with rape because she was too drunk to consent even though he was drunk as well (I think there was a case of a footballer).

In your shoes, I'd get in contact with a rape charity and speak to them.

Yes he was drunk too but he is the sort of entitled person to take what he wants drunk or sober.

I haven't ever told anyone about this in real life. Part of me feels responsible for putting myself in that position. Two and a half years have passed now as well so not sure if it's worth opening the can of worms but it still plays on my mind from time to time

I didn't want to read and run either. Would it help to talk to someone unconnected in any way, such as a counsellor, to help you understand what happened? Might this help you decide what outcome you'd want, in a safe environment, without feeling pressured?

I've had to deal with a similar situation. I didn't tell anyone for years. I kind of 'parked it' and moved on. And didn't talk about it to anyone but years later I found myself dwelling on it more frequently and assuming, wrongly, that I was to blame in some way. It helped to talk to a 'neutral' person and lifted a weight off me.

@Mousetolioness yes that might help. I'm not sure I feel quite ready to verbalise it yet but it could be something to think about the future. I don't really know what outcome I want or need. I still feel very angry about the way I was treated in general by him but the sex thing has always been a big source of shame and makes me feel very worthless like a piece of meat he just used.

It doesn't help that I have to see him regularly (we work in the same building unfortunately) so there are constant reminders. He is a smug arrogant prick and I just hope he doesn't manage to manipulate anyone else in the same way.