Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Babies and grandparents

24 replies

Anonunimer · 27/07/2019 21:29

Hi, first time on here.

I am at wits end.
So my oh has a 2 yo to his ex (we saw weekly until recently) ohs parents have lo ofter as mum cannot cope. We pay 200 pm cm and she always complains its not enough (she doesn't work) so US and grandparents send food, toys, clothes, nappies ect as well weekly. We went through abuse she slated his family off and called ss on his family claiming their house was unsuitable for her son (oh lived there after the split)
Me and Oh have a 4 mo. Ohs parents don't see lo often (their choice ohs sister has said he's not her family we take him round and offer to go out places to try build bonds)
Ohs parents live with 4 of their children all 16+ and 1 of their partners. No one in the house works.
So csa have taken cm down due to us having a baby. And his ex has complained and said we can't see lo. So now she's found out she's pregnant and has demanded cm goes up (baby is her partners so cm doesn't go up.) she's said it should because neither her or her partner work so they'll pay for their child and we have to pay for the 2 yos needs and pay cm. So the cm will go on new baby and we buy Los food ext.
We've said that's not possible as we're having to budget for 2 children so she has to do same. There is no way we're paying for 3 children.
So now we've found out that not only has ohs parents offered to look after BOTH her children but they've got her gifts for the baby (not born yet) and said they'll help financially too.
So when our lo was born they only saw him because we took him round let alone did they get him a gift. We're having to work alternate shifts to look after him between us as his parents have said they won't look after him (my parents will help when they aren't at work. Ohs parents don't work)
I'm not asking that they buy our son stuff or look after him so we can work. All I want is for them to have a bond and if they looked after him I'd pay them and provide everything.

I am I being unreasonable for feeling so pissed off that they care more for someone who slated them and for a child unrelated than to their grandson.
I'm not saying they shouldn't bother with the 2 year old but I want both the boys to be tret the same.
Any advice is much appreciated. TIA

OP posts:

pinkpantsrock · 27/07/2019 22:23

i'm lost....

Maybe83 · 27/07/2019 22:28

Well that's all a complete mess.

bridgetreilly · 27/07/2019 22:31

This is mostly incomprehensible.

Your partner needs to get his child maintenance agreed by the CMS, not do it on the basis of what his ex demands.
Your partner's parents are free to do what they like, of course, but I would expect him to at least ask them why they are planning to offer more support to a child they are not even related to than to his own children.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 27/07/2019 22:33

@pinkpantsrock

right I think its the OP and her DP have x1 baby, the DP has x1 child with Ex.

DPs parents help Ex with child care. Ex cant manage money and is always on the beg.

EX and her new P are expecting but because they don't work, they think DP should pay maint for both children. DPs parents are treating the new baby the same as its half sibling.

OP thinks DPs parents should see their child more often.

I think that's the crux of it

TheBrilloPad · 27/07/2019 22:33

So your "in-laws" essentially don't spend any time/money on your new baby, but spend lots of time/money on your step son, and his new sibling (who is not your DPs), and your SIL won't see/meet your new baby.

Probably a huge backstory about your DPs behaviour if he already has a 4month old with you, and a 2yr old with ex, and his own family have stood by her and support her over Him & you, but essentially if you are that bothered by it, your problem is with your DP, not anyone else.

hammeringinmyhead · 27/07/2019 22:35

Me and Oh have a 4 mo. Ohs parents don't see lo often (their choice ohs sister has said he's not her family we take him round and offer to go out places to try build bonds)

Why? Do they not like you, or do they not approve of your relationship? You don't say what background makes them care less about your child despite being their blood grandchild.

The stuff about CM is a totall separate issue. Do it officially.

TinglyRain · 27/07/2019 22:37

It sounds like you've married into Shameless.

phoenixrosehere · 27/07/2019 22:46

Yanbu to want his parents to show interest in their grandchild, unfortunately for some reason they don’t and you can’t force them to.

Yabu about them buying gifts and possibly helping out with the new baby. It may not be their grandchild, BUT it is their grandchild’s sibling. It would be wrong for them to treat said child different because it wasn’t a blood relative.

Yadnbu about ex wanting you and your partner to pay for this new baby.

You will have to remember that you will be around this new baby since it is your child’s brother’s sibling and they will likely have some kind of relationship as they get older. Best to figure out what kind of relationship you hope they have and focus on making it happen. They are all innocent in this.

IsAStormApporaching · 27/07/2019 22:46

Could it possibly be that your dps parents feel they need to make the effort with her as she can stop acess at any time. Whereas in their minds they know they can see your dc whenever.
(Doesn't make it right but it could be a reason they are trying so hard with her)

As for maintenance she has went on to have another child, so it's up to that child's father to support that child.
Your dps maintenance would definalty not go up because she is having another child.

Biscusting · 27/07/2019 22:52

I wish I could laugh at this being some Jeremy Kyle made up shit.

NoSauce · 27/07/2019 22:54

As the mother of your ex’s child is useless and can’t cope they’re probably just trying to support him, your baby is still very young so there’s plenty of time to build relationships with GP. It sounds very chaotic OP.

gracepoolesrum · 27/07/2019 22:57

Maybe your in-laws think you're coping and don't need their support quite as much, if the ex is really as bad as you say they perhaps think her kids really need them?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 27/07/2019 22:59

So oh has a two year old by ex and a four month old by you. Just working those dates out and why you decided having a child with this man was a great decision when his other child was months old.

GibbonLover · 27/07/2019 23:05

Jesus Christ Thatssome, have you ever heard of an unplanned pregnancy? Plus, your calculation hangs on the 2yo being 24 months old exactly. Could be anything up to 35 months for all you know. Unhoik those judgy pants eh...

Original poster

Anonunimer · 27/07/2019 23:06

Me and my partners family used to get on great then after we said we cannot have ss one day (as I was in labour) they just stopped talking. I went into labour early morning and ohs ex was told 2 hrs before due to pick up.
CM is worked out by csa and paid by direct pay. We used to help out as we didn't want ss going without.

My oh broke up with his ex when she put him in hospital while LO was 3 months old (different story) and its been a complete mess trying to get contact. She called social services claiming ohs parents house was a 'death trap' (ss found this false and advised contact) then since she found out about my baby she's given step son to us at every chance (not complaining I love step son) we have him 3 times a week and ohs parents have him 3 day themselves. Each time we provide for son. (we stopped all the extras when she started this as she didn't need £200 plus nappies food ect a month for 1 day a week. She has rent ect paid due to unemployment)

The in laws said they take LO 3 times as they are logging when they have him, how long ect and when we have him so they can try go to court and say they should have custody or oh should as mum doesn't have her son. (oh just wants joint custorsdy not sole as he wants LO to have bonds with both parents so has asked them to stop but they've filed papers)

We don't care that they spend on ss and not our baby it's the fact their willing to welcome another child and offer weekly childcare for a cold tht isn't related to them yet won't offer anything for our child.
I was rushed to hospital (oh works away and so does my parents) I asked his arents if they would have our baby until I was out or oh got home and got told no as sil was home.

Sorry that it's not very clear I'm stressed and trying to figure things out myself

OP posts:

DennisMailerWasHere · 27/07/2019 23:06

Op, this is a mess.

Your DH need to get a legally agreed maintenance £s set up, based on objective analysis, not whatever ex demands.
He needs to get visitation agreed formally too.

It's all very messy and chaotic.

You cannot change grandparents behaviour, focus on things closer to home (your partner's obligations to his children, basically, and how you can all make it a stable setup which isn't being chopped and changed via emotional outbursts).

Original poster

Anonunimer · 27/07/2019 23:37

Just to help those stuck on the age step son is 31months.
Oh has been through court but due to the social services report saying that his ex let's him see their son at anytime and the contact is open and contains no friction the court didn't put a order in place and suggested they keep going with the contact as it was. We're trying for court again but ex is making excuses for mediation (requirement before going to court)

OP posts:

NoSauce · 27/07/2019 23:44

Would it be feasible for you and your partner to try for custody of your DSS as the mum doesn’t appear to be able to cope. Is that something you’ve both thought about or not?

Gazelda · 27/07/2019 23:45

I recall,your previous thread OP. This all sounds such a worrying mess for you and your DP. If I were you, I'd try to keep things between DP and his ex. Leave his parents and siblings out of it. The two of them should try to calmly put DSS first.
And I must say that an over riding sense I'm getting is that you put much of the blame on your PIL. I get that you must be exhausted working shifts with a 4mo, but you've really got to take steps to reduce the stress you're under. Much of the angst could surely be put to one side for the short term?

Concentrate on you, DP and the two little children.

Original poster

Anonunimer · 28/07/2019 00:06

I have no problem jugling looking after the children and work ect as I understand its what is needed when someone has a child. I just want our baby to bond with his grandparents and I just hit walls with the topic. I get that he is young but I know bonds are built in the early stages (Bowlby attacent theory)

OP posts:

EileenAlanna · 28/07/2019 02:01

They're total cunts who haven't got even a tenuous grasp of the real world. Ignore them but if they insist on forcing this bizarre connection with children not even related to over their actual grandchildren then let them knock themselves out, it'll be a great story to tell your children as they grow up.

Missingstreetlife · 28/07/2019 03:30

Bonding is for small babies and main carers (parents in your case) bowlby wasn't talking about relationships with extended family.
It's likely that your ss (and sibling) will bond with gp &/or you because the mother seems not to be the main carer. Your oh could go for shared care or residence with staying contact to the ex. Presume he has or can get pr, then he has a say. Does he want gp to get residence? He needs to work this out with the mother. The other child has its own father and extended family, but will be step sib to your child, nothing to do with gp

Original poster

Anonunimer · 28/07/2019 11:13

We tried for an arrangement order but cafcas said that their child was best to have no set schedule due to Dr's appointments and parents living with each other previously. When we was waiting for the court date his ex would make sure she had their son more and message making sure we had everything ect so they said that she was a mum trying her best and had main care of their son.
Oh doesn't want his parents to get custody as there's 7 people in a 4 bed house (2box rooms) so they'd struggle to get ss in a room ect. Plus non of them work and struggle to get by. We regularly have to buy stuff for their house to help.
The mum doesn't care what oh says she just uses their son to get cash and if he doesn't pay what she says then he cannot see their son.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 28/07/2019 13:46

So he needs to continue with mediation, or get legal advice if it isn't working. He has the right to fetch his child from gp, but should ignore them and all money issues. You don't have to do anything, just be a good mum and step mum. Back off and leave oh to deal with it, your role is to support. Learn to say no, it's liberating

Flip