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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

25 th Wedding Anniversary AIBU ?

25 replies

honeyjar · 27/07/2019 16:59

Right , 25th wedding anniversary , husband takes me away in the motorhome for two nights with the dogs.
I provide all the shopping , cook breakfast .
He paid for two pub meals .As we had dogs with us on actual day of anniversary we had a pub meal sat outside.
For months I had been asking what he wanted do? I had said I wanted to get dressed up , go out for lovely meal , go luxury hotel , have a party . He would not agree to me booking any of the above and said he would sort something .
As we were unable to have a honeymoon when we got married ( serving RAF) I have booked for us to go on a luxury cruise to Hong Kong and Japan in November .i will be paying for it.
So on day of Anniversary I said I had forgotten card at home , he said he had not got me a card .
When we got home I gave him the card , he said sorry but he hadn't had time to go and get a card 😶
He doesn't see why I'm upset that I had no card , no flowers .i should be happy with my two nights by the sea in the motorhome with the dogs !
AIBU ?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/07/2019 17:01

What had you got him?

Neither of you gave each other a card so can’t see how you can get upset about that

Sirzy · 27/07/2019 17:02

Sorry ignore the first bit managed to miss that

To be honest after 25 years it sounds an odd set up that finance are that separate! Surely the holiday would be better as a joint present to each other type thing?

TabbyMumz · 27/07/2019 17:03

Why are you paying for the holiday?

KnifeAngel · 27/07/2019 17:04

I agree it does sound odd having separate finances.

Finfintytint · 27/07/2019 17:04

You’ve got a great holiday to look forward to. Anniversaries have never been a biggie for us. Our 25th we went into town and gave each other 25 minutes to spend £25 on a gift that was silver related.

Original poster
honeyjar · 27/07/2019 17:04

Our finances have always been separate due to our jobs.
For whatever reason we never got round to having a joint account

OP posts:
balonzz · 27/07/2019 17:06

YANBU but How surprised were you by his behaviour, OP?

Original poster
honeyjar · 27/07/2019 17:06

If I do t pay for the holiday, I'll never get a honeymoon.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyjar · 27/07/2019 17:08

He's not the most romantic guy around , so I shouldn't be surprised , but I just thought as it was a landmark Anniversary, he would put a little thought into it 🙄

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 27/07/2019 17:11

Sounds like you have different expectations. If you still love, care for and respect each other is it such I biggie?

80sMum · 27/07/2019 17:15

If I didn't book holidays, DH and I would never have one! We have joint finances, so who pays isn't an issue. But it's always me who researches, chooses, books and arranges payment for every holiday.

Your lack of joint finances, which I must admit I find a little odd in a couple who've been married for 25 years, makes things difficult for you OP. Perhaps the time has now come for you to open a joint account and both pay into it?

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2019 17:21

He sounds shit
Take a friend instead of him on holiday

CherryPavlova · 27/07/2019 17:27

I think 25 years on is a bit late for a honeymoon but I’d be a bit aghast if my husband was this stingy.
I also find it odd that monies are so very separate. We have a separate petty cash type account each but most is pooled. It’s our money not his or mine. It feels very imbalanced unless he’s paying mortgage, bills, etc. What is his money going on? Don’t you discuss and agree? Does he hate the idea of more formal events/meals/dressing up.
I think you need a conversation.

MatildaTheCat · 27/07/2019 18:07

I’ve just had my 30th wedding anniversary and have learned that if I want special things to be booked I need to do it. Not necessarily pay for it but make the reservations.

A card is quite basic and I’d be very sad not to even receive that but since you forgot your to him you are on thin ice I fear.

Just be super clear about what you want in future. If he suggests a night in a motor home when you wanted country house hotel then say no (assuming you can afford it).

CottonSock · 27/07/2019 18:09

I think your trip sounds nice to be honest. Fancy meals are overrated and v expensive

LadyRannaldini · 27/07/2019 21:17

I’d be a bit aghast if my husband was this stingy.

Why is it up to him to arange something? Why does 'equality' fly out of the window at times like this? If you wanted the luxury hotel, meal etc, arrange it!

bingbongnoise · 27/07/2019 21:23

@honeyjar

YANBU to be pissed off at not getting a card and a gift.

But I could not be in a marriage like this, where you are are little more than flatmates. Separate finances in a 25 year marriage?

WHY? Confused

TemporaryPermanent · 27/07/2019 22:04

Separate finances are a perfectly reasonable way of doing things. Clearly if it's worked for 25 years why not?

He refused to let you book what you wanted. Why? Because he didn't want that or because he wanted to give you something? Did he say?

I completely see why you are fed up. You'd been pretty clear you wanted a major celebration and he stopped you doing that and downgraded it without discussion.

The holiday sounds amazing. Talk this through and ask him to book a really fantastic excursion or meal for the cruise, his choice but to be really special. Let him make it up to you. But I agree that there's something to make up.

Original poster
honeyjar · 28/07/2019 08:51

Thank you all for your responses.
A few things to think about .
Thank you TemporaryPermanent . Good solution.

OP posts:
BloomingHydrangea · 28/07/2019 09:00

husband takes me away in the motorhome

Why did he need to take you?

newmomof1 · 28/07/2019 09:07

But I could not be in a marriage like this, where you are are little more than flatmates.

This is hilarious. Their finances are separate so they're little more than flatmates? Give over.

Blobby10 · 28/07/2019 09:13

My H and I split up after 20 years but throughout our marriage, we only ever did holidays or nice things if I organised them - he was quite good at presents if I dropped enough hints!!. We didn't go abroad as we had two dogs and with 3 children it would have got too expensive so we camped. (It wasn't until after we split that he said he had hated every holiday we had- even though there was always a discussion about where to go, how long for, when etc and whether we wanted to spend money on a hot holiday abroad. He never wanted to!)

We too had separate finances - he paid mortgage, car expenses and bills, I paid food, kids stuff, school stuff, presents including Christmas and fuel for my car. We both ended up with similar amounts at the end of each month for personal spending. It worked well for us.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2019 09:18

LadyRannaldini he wouldn't let her book what she wanted, told her he would sort it and then didn't. Which is why it was his responsibility!

AJPTaylor · 28/07/2019 09:38

It's been 25 years in the making.
My dhisnt the most romantic person either. I booked us to go to Canada and did Niagra Falls on our 25th. It was brilliant and he got me an eternity ring.
You should have just booked what you wanted to do.

CrotchetyQuaver · 28/07/2019 09:39

I'd be disappointed with that. We haven't much spare £££ but we gave each other a card (we both chose the same one actually Grin) and went to the pub for a meal to celebrate

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