Moving to dads.....

[steppyh]

Ok so we could do with saving some money for a few months. We are currently renting and almost have enough for a deposit. I was chatting to my dad and he has a large house and said we could maybe move in with him for a few months.

There is me, dh and 3 dcs. Dcs would have to share a room for a few months, me and dh have our own bedroom and dad has a spare living room we could also use as our own.

Dad has a gf who lives with him - it's dads house and she moved in about 18 months ago.

I get on ok with the gf. I've always had the impression she doesn't really like me too much and she's said a few remakes in the past about my parenting skills that have annoyed me but I've let it go. My youngest dc is coming up to 1 year old. Last year when they visited me and baby, dad was obviously overjoyed with his new grandchild. The gf refused to hold him when asked if she would like too as she 'didn't agree with passing new babies round' and didn't really say anything like 'oh he's beautiful' etc etc.

So...I think there is an issue somewhere more on her side, not mine. I'm glad dad has sound someone who makes him happy!

So dad rang me yesterday to say it's fine for us to move in for a few months but gf has a couple of issues.

• She doesn't want me to clean the house. Now my dads house isn't the cleanest. And I am very clean, a Hoover usually twice a day etc etc. I'm weird like that. Dad has said she doesn't want me to clean the house except for our rooms as she doesn't really want me to take over. That's fine...I'd be doing it to help out and do my bit! Not for any other reason. Dads charging us no rent so I'd feel I have to help out. But she doesn't want me to clean the bathroom etc etc.

• next she only works part time and is at home quite a lot. My dad doesn't really live near my dcs school but my mum does. I explained to dad that I probably wouldn't come home after dropping the kids at school until I've collected them again so I'd be out of the way during the day. I've got the baby and starting some new groups in September. It's also a waste of fuel, I'd go to my mums house in the day as it just makes more sense. But my dad told me I shouldn't do this as it will make his gf feel I don't want to be around her! This comment has annoyed me! It's nothing to do with the gf, it's just what's easiest for me and youngest dc with having baby groups etc etc. But if I don't come back after school run then she may think I don't want to be around her!

So what would you do? Dad is helping us out soooo much but I feel it's not worth it. It's just going to be awkward. She's also very into her cooking and my dad has said he isn't sure how meal times would go as obviously I need to cook for the dcs.

It's only a few months.....but could end up being a complete disaster. I don't want it to affect the relationship I've got with my dad in any way.

@MauritiusNext I agree, I feel bad but I don't see how it would work. The feel the gf is quite jealous of me and the dcs. She's nice enough to the dcs and my dd adores her....but deep down there is something there. I can't put my finger on it. She was lovely the first couple of times I met her.

Could you stay for a weekend and see what that feels like?

Don’t let his gf dictate to you. The first issue - presumably if she doesn’t want you to clean the house apart from your own living areas, then she will be cleaning them - let her get on with it. The second issue; I wouldn’t even give it headspace. You can go where you want and do what you want - she’s making it sound that you have to check in with her on your daily actions. The house is your dad’s, not hers, so don’t let her think she has any more power than what she has, which is ‘none’. She’s cleárly not happy about you moving in so is trying to impose difficult rules, so don’t give her the satisfaction of you deciding not to. I speak from experience by allowing my DFs DP to interfere in our relationship, which caused a rift for years.

Don't do it OP.

Don't do it, it will definitely end badly.

Can you sit down with her and talk? Reassure her and set up some ground rules but be super nice about it?

I think the little remarks she might make about my parenting would bug me too much anyway. She's already told me I hold my baby too much and once when she was here and he was crying, I said he needed feeding (breast fed) she asked when he was last fed and and I said 'an hour ago' to which she replied he won't need feeding them and carried on trying to settle him herself. She told me I needed to be tougher with him.

I let these things go as she can be lovely also....but the more I'm sat here thinking, the more I realise she does have an issue with me.....which is a whole other thread really!!

So yes I think it's better to save the relationship with my dad than awkwardness!

I just feel bad for my dad as he does want to help us

so she wants to dictate how much time you spend in the home you're supposed to be living in?
You know she's trying to stir trouble.
Personally, i'd tell him the gf doesn't get to dictate my daily routine, i most definitely WILL be cleaning the areas my dc use.
Move in, and when she starts picking on your parenting - put her in her place.

I hope your dad has his will etc sorted because it seems she feels entitled to his property.....

Can you sit down with your dad, his partner, you and DH and discuss?
Start the conversation with we really appreciate the offer and before saying yes can we talk about our normal routines to see how it would work and we can all raise any issues we might have then decide

Sorry I didn't get past 'I Hoover twice a day' wtf?!

Maybe she feels like you will judge her for cleaving an ordinary amount.

Oh my god this sounds like such a terrible idea! If it was an emergency obviously make the best of things but honestly just rent for a wee bit longer!

@TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan always one....yes I'm a clean and tidy person. I'm much better than I was. I was diagnosed with ocd 10 years ago where I used to clean constantly and I mean constantly to the point where I write a suicide note because I couldn't cope anymore and tried to take my own life.....I did nothing but clean and couldn't leave the house at all. I was a wreck.

So now I'm down to twice a day......I'm bloody proud of myself for getting so far! And fyi, it's only twice a day because I have a baby who makes such a mess with food. Sometimes I hoover 3 times a day if meal times are really bad. The end.

You're better off in your own space even if it takes a bit longer to save. Btw I don't let DH hoover DSs food debris up, in case it goes manky and gets stuck in the hoover pipe so we've all got our ways of doing things. Just if you like things very clean and their house isn't that's an issue right there, you'll feel uncomfortable and she'll feel judged. If you were moving in with me and wanted to hoover twice a day I'd love it, but I have no shame.

dont do it
this is going to turn out badly very quickly

as soon as your arses are over that threshold shes going to dictate when you can and cant fart and im betting on she will have a lot of opinions on your parenting as well

your not there yet and shes already trying to lay down the law to you

if ive your comfortable in your own house atm i would stay and just take longer to save up,no amount of money is worth the aggro she has planned for you

Its your dads house, but it’s also her home. If you don’t get on brilliantly and have different standards to cleanliness, noise etc don’t do it.

It’s very difficult to share your home with another adult, even on a temporary basis, when you get on brilliantly, it can destroy relationships and cause long term issues when you don’t.

I hoover twice a day as my DC is a messy bugger. I’m not sure why that’s so shocking?

Personally I wouldn’t move in, however I would explain why you feel it’s not the best idea to both of them at the same time.
Maybe it’s time to clear the air between you both?