My older sister is making my life hell - advice please!!

[Millie1995]

I’m a 24 year old women who is currently living at my mums house whilst the house that I bought is getting renovated. My 28 year old sister lives at home with my mum and we have always had an unusual relationship - we have similar interests but I feel as though I am walking on eggshells with her. When my sister was born she had some health issues which I believe have made my mum lenient on her behaviour wise. This has meant that she is very aggressive and will often fly off the handle at the smallest of reasons for example if something doesn’t go her way or someone disagrees with her. She’s very childish and will purposely be awkward such as hiding my car keys, locking me out etc. She can be extremely mean and has said some very hurtful things such as I should be ashamed of myself for not going to a family gathering because I was struggling with my mental health even after openly explained that I was struggling. I can regularly hear her saying nasty and derogatory things about me to other family members and she always wants me to do what she says and if not will go on a rampage. She’s very clever and manipulative and can turn on the water works to make people feel sorry for her. I’m at a point now where it’s really affecting my health and I just don’t know where to turn.

Move into your house? Camp in the garden or in any habitable room.

How much renovating does your house need? Get the kitchen, bathroom and one room sorted, and move back in. Your sister is a pathetic bully, and probably jealous. Such people are exhausting.

Get the kitchen, bathroom and one room sorted

Dont even need that portaloo (or bucket- you can get adult potties from mobility type shops and put down outside drain daily) and camping stove. Sheet over the window.

She sounds vile. What does your Mum say? Does she always try to justify your sister’s behaviour?

The only answer to this is to move out. Either into your own house - even if it is barely habitable - or elsewhere. Remove yourself and let her get on with it.

She sounds like a professional martyr.

You must move out for your sanity. Even if it's not the best move for you financially, you must value your equilibrium above all else.

In the meantime, go grey rock on her. Get keys cut and ''under react'' to every provocative thing she says and does.

A tiny room in a rented house couldn't be worse. Flatmates can be a mixed bag but at least with flatmates it's acceptable to just pass each other on the stairs and nod a quick 'hey' and leave it there. So I think it will be better for you to focus on yourself and your own sense of self in a small private space that she doesn't have keys to!!

ps, and wait/hope for your mother to be a fair judge. On one level your mother must know but if she admits it to herself for even a split second then that means accepting that poor parenting created this mess. No mother wants to think that she participated in the creating of this kind of dynamic between her two children by allowing one to behave badly and cohercing the other to be a doormat and to acquiesce. My mother will never accept this either. My brother is OK to me now, but his memory is that we had a GREAT childhood. When I disagreed with that I was told I was dramatic, a victim, paranoid, overly-sensitive..... No. That was my reality and nobody noticed. Because they wanted peace and quiet more than they wanted well balanced adult children a decade in to what would then have been a distant future. In my 40s now (late forties) and we have a polite peace but only if I never challenge their views of how our childhood was. If you are grappling with all of this in your 20s you're fortunate.
It was ony when I was leaving an abusive relationship that I drew up dots between how my x made me FEEL and how my family made me FEEL.

So give yourself a pat on the back for opening your eyes so wide to what is going on and recognising the toxic behaviours for what they are.

That should have read don't wait for your mother to be a fair judge. I typed the opposite of what I meant! argh

Live in your house while its being done. Camping stove and heater will work. Pop to mums for a quick shower. Couldn't live in such a hostile environment.

Move into your own house if possible. Get the toilet & kitchen sink sorted, so you can wash hands & dishes. Buy a portable stove, microwave, Instant Pot, health grill or something - perhaps a couple of items to give you a choice of ways to cook food. Get any room at all finished to a basic standard sufficiently enough that there would be no danger for you to sleep in there. The house does not need to be "finished" for you to move in! TBH you can have a good wash at the sink daily, & go for showers at your mum's (or a friend's?) or the local pool a few times a week.

I sympathise, OP. I don't particularly get on with my sister, either, although it's been somewhat better since I left home.