DS tuition squashed as ExH is so volatile... DS is not getting help and I feel terrible.

[MarshmallowHeat]

DS is really struggling, he’s a year from his important exams, (sorry trying not to be too identifying.) He did so badly in tests last term that he needs a serious change, both from within him and help from outside, to make any kind of grades. Even the basics.

I decided to approach ExH - asked him if he could pay fees for a year in private - somewhere close is fairly reasonable (as far as these things go) and has a different approach. One that could suit DS.

I have been NC with ExH as he has been consistently nasty to me in the past. He pays minimal maintenance, and doesn’t declare most of his income. I live 200 miles away. DS sees him for a weekend every 3/4 months.

ExH has taken zero interest in DSs schooling so far.

He replied saying it would be ‘extremely difficult’ but that he’d consider it. Positive I thought.

Then he demanded the tutors contact details, (nothing to do with the private school). He’s only just got a new tutor, who does not yet know. DS well, and I did not feel that I could just pass this on, it’s a personal arrangement and I pay for this, and ExH is volatile.

He then started hurling abuse through messaging at me, saying how dare I withhold the tutors details. Calling me a awful person, saying I’m not fit as a mother. Saying how financially difficult it would be to stump up even half the costs. He responded with more personal abuse saying DS and him resented me, and he didn’t want any communication and would sort out tutoring with DS without me.

So I left it. End of private school or any discussion I thought.

DS is keen to go to this new school. He came in today and told me that his Dad has now agreed to half and asked me more about the school. He looked shocked when I told him I couldn’t cope with further abuse from ExH and a co-financing arrangement would mean trouble for me. Even if I could afford it.

I would scrabble together the money for half - if ExH hadn’t reacted so abusively towards me. I cannot be sure of his Dads financial and emotional consistency. He looks downbeat and I feel awful. He doesn’t want to respond to his Dad, understandably.

I don’t know if I should send another email to his Dad explaining why? And yet he hates me and doesn’t want to communicate full stop.

What do I do?

If your son is doing GCSEs next year I would be very surprised that any school would accept a new pupil in year 11.

your ex is clearly an arse and you can't rely on him

If it's SATS or GCSEs, you don't need a tutor... There's enough stuff online, and it's just regurgitating. Get your DS to make revision cards and test him, test him, test him.

If it's A level or above, then that's harder if your child needs help.

I’ve contacted the school already, me and DS have expressed his needs and the school is very willing to accept him. They are a good fit. The school he is currently in actually suggested it as a possible good choice.

It’s unusual I know but it is a real option.

DS does so much better with a tutor. He really engages and learns. He had some SN and I’ve tried the online route to death with him. Doesn’t work at all. And revision cards. Believe me if that worked I’d not have forked out so much for tutors!

I just can’t see a way of being able to progress with ExH.

What a pathetic excuse for a man your ex is. Your sentence about DS looking shocked is heartbreaking. I really think you should abandon this idea. The next year is so important and your pathetic ex can't be trusted. Poor DS has been through enough already. If this next year was fucked up then it could very well ruin his life.

I understand your desperation but your Ex was never a viable option. I’m sorry, this is just the price the price to pay for having a dick as an Ex, been there and have the t-shirt.

Can you try to make this work through a third party ?

The key issue here seems to be communication with exH. Would it be easier to have a trusted third party mediate between you ? A friend, or even a lawyer (though maybe that would be expensive).

Can he give you his half of the tuition (either to you or directly to the school) in advance for the whole year, so you don't find yourself scrambling for money if he didn't step up later in the year ?

I understand you're tired of the abuse but I'd try to find a way to make this work, for your son's sake.

After exH pays his share you don't need to stay in contact.

I could give him the option of paying it all upfront. However I guarantee all I’ll get back is a nasty email, or one asking for more ‘facts’ that I can’t give, every communication from me seems to fuel his need to have a go.

I’ve just heard he’s said to his son to just work hard, and he’d give him a car in a year if he passes. (I do not want him driving just yet, he’s very impulsive ADHD).

Also my worry is he will stop maintenance for the year. If he pays half. Even if I did get it sooner.

Please dont stop your son from taking driving lessons just because you think he s not ready. What message does that send him?

I think the insurance will probably do the job for me tbh. However I’m comfortable with saying to DS that he’s very risk taking and impulsive and it’s probably wise not to rush into driving, but wait until his brain matures in the executive functions, even by a few years. I think that’s sensible advice.

Op, setting aside the issues with your ex, thinking that a year in a private school will make all the difference to your DS is not the best idea. He's already had a tutor according to you, but still struggled in exams. He's got SN and ADHD, so much so that you don't want him learning to drive until he's older. Maybe he's just not clever enough to get the results in these forthcoming exams that you so clearly hope he could if you throw enough money at it. Is he medicated for his ADHD? If not, that could make such a difference.
As for your ex paying half the fees, if he does agree, you need to get the school to draw up a contract for each of you for half the amount of the fees.

He is bright, he used to do well but then secondary was much harder. All the teachers say it’s not lack of ability, it’s lack of attention and motivation. The new school has very different teaching which is more suited.

The driving is because his extremely high impulsivity, camhs have told him to be careful.

However I think his confidence is gone. He doesn’t believe he’s bright, or capable.

I think I’m worried that he’s becoming his Dad. That he will end up expecting others to make up for his shortfalls.

FWIW, my son was diagnosed with ‘severe’ ADHD last August & because of needing to establish him on medication for another health condition, he hasn’t been able to be medicated for it (yet - soon, I hope). Y10 was pretty disastrous in many ways, but in Y11 (same school) he did buckle down and do (some) work. Whether it was enough, we will see on results day.,

Good to hear @freddie. DS refused medication