to be completely over DH and his total failure to behave like a grown-up?

[slowloris76]

I just need some perspective and have nobody IRL who I can chat to.

My husband did AAT qualifications in accountancy a few years ago and I know he struggled with level 3. I found out when he left test results hidden in books, showing he'd failed modules - he didn't actually tell me. He said he re-sat the units and passed. However, he didn't and has been lying about it since then (through the shame, he says). He even went as far as to fake a certificate to send me a picture of, I assume using someone else's certificate! This is despite direct questioning from me & couples counselling over a separate serious breach of my trust. There have been other things he's hidden from me - e.g. credit card debt/smoking/etc.

He is not academic and really struggled at school, so has no confidence in himself, and I can understand on some level why he chose to lie about it. However, had he said something to me at the time, I could have supported him through the 3 modules he needed to pass. Now there is no other option than to sit the entire thing again. He doesn't necessarily need the qualification in his current job, but it would help in future for his career. I know he now regrets not finishing.

I am so fed up with him behaving like a 16 year old boy who was too immature to realise he needed to study for his exams. He is a grown man and should take some responsibility for himself. We otherwise have a good marriage, get a long well and he is a good father. I have just had enough of this type of thing. Don't fancy divorce - but equally I am ready to wash my hands of it and leave him to his own devices while I look after ME.

What job does he do now?

I can't tell whether he's scared of you for some reason or whether he's been trying to manipulate you.

It sounds like he was out of his depth with his course. Did he enjoy it? Is accountancy what he's best suited to?

What a betrayal of trust. I don’t know how you could ever trust him again knowing the extent to which he’s willing to go to lie to you, and the credit card debt is really serious. Wanting to wash you hands if it and look after yourself is totally understandable but wouldn’t that be essentially be checking out of the marriage? Going back to counselling is problem a good idea, I wish you luck.

Problem = probably !!

HollowTalk - he's an accounts manager! He'd recently started in that role was doing the courses to improve his understanding (which they did). I think he was out of his depth and the timing was bad for a number of reasons. I think he knew I'd be disappointed - I'm at the other end of the education spectrum, have PhD, found school easy etc - so neither afraid or manipulating.

Expressedways - found Relate horrible and really unhelpful so not keen to do that again.

Private couples counselling is much better. I wouldn't do relate based on the awful experiences of friends but we managed to find a therapist who specialises in both DHs MH issues and postnatal issues (we have an 11 month old). Its working much better. If you dont want to divorce then you'll need to find a way to work through this with your DH or you'll never be able to trust him again. Does it feel like he's a child in the relationship? It's really common (one of my issues with DH). I told DH that being his mother isn't sexy, interesting or something I'm prepared to do. I think he just heard sexy because he's been turning on the charm but hey whatever instigates change.

Agree with finding different/better therapy options.

I have a partner who is far less academic than I. I suppose he might have a complex about it, but he also doesn’t concern himself with education (down to kid’s homework) in our household. Kind of has it both ways.

I feel for you. You’re kinder than I would be. That level of deceit (over anything) from a grown adult would have me out of there. I suppose if he’s going to act like a sneaky toddler, he gets to live the ‘natural consequences’ like a toddler. Figure out what that is, and lay it out for him. A clear plan of recompense to you.

Blackcat86 - Defo feel like his mother. In fact I think my teenager is more mature. We also discussed this in previous counselling...but not much impact. For e.g. I am sure finding a private therapist will be down to me.

I am too nice and think I am facilitating this by not going mad about it. I am mostly just sad and disappointed, and don’t want to get divorced and feel like a failure.

There's something to be said for making life less comfortable rather than going mad and giving him back some responsibility. It's too easy to write off the 'hysterical woman'. I've tried going mad and its wasnt very effective. Everything came to ahead in our house when DH still acted like a teenager despite me going through a traumatic birth, newborn in special care and then the round the clock care having a newborn entails. By 10 weeks I was starting to crack and several nights of shouting matches ensued where I told him some home truths. There were a few temporary improvements but like most men, DH quickly reverted to type. 8 months later he's forgotten it ever happened. I've found a few things have actually helped though:

1. DH is an awfully impulsive spender and I ended up making up the shortfall (which grinds more now I'm pt) so in order for him to start seeing the consequences of this I've started saying no more. No we can't afford takeout tonight, no we can't afford lots of treat food in the shop, no I can't afford to lend you money etc because where is the incentive to change if you keep everything comfortable. Also when I bail him out he's not having to find solutions to his own problems and be responsible for them. I've also started putting things back on him saying how stressed i am because I can't afford basic things for myself or am in my overdraft. Create a more uncomfortable environment around the issue - maybe it's not money, maybe its cooking or cleaning. I've made some more basic meals for example that DH isn't keen on.

2. talking about issues with a skilled therapist has been so much more effective than shouting because he hasn't let DH get away with his usual techniques and has explained that (like most people) when we argue it becomes a pissing contest of who is more tired, more stressed etc which isn't helpful. Now when he can't possibly cook dinner because he's sooooo stressed I remind him that it isn't a pissing contest and I have needs to.

3. start prioritising your own needs. I'm starting to get back to the gym and see friends leaving DH to do the baby care and house stuff. This forces him to step up.

4. stop doing any extras. If birthdays get missed, food isn't defrosted for dinner etc make him deal with the consequences. I find taking myself out or to another area of the house helpful so I cant be sought out to the solve the problem.

It's a tricky and frustrating situation but change is slowly happening in our house.

I feel a bit sorry for your DH if I am honest. He does need the qualification yet has tried to better himself. Some people are not academic and struggle.
You on the other hand are, and clearly have no issues with studying and exams. I can full well under stand why he lied to you. Do you ever rub it in his face about your qualifications OP? Maybe even subconsciously? I totally understand why he would feel shame that he is struggling to do these modules in comparison to what you have achieved.
If it was my DH I would be supporting him to find out what's up, is he dyslexic? I don't think he needs to grow up at all and you sound quite harsh

YANBU for deciding you've had enough
YABU for saying you "don't fancy divorce"
He's been consistently lying to you about important issues, how on earth could you stay married to someone who does that?
And frankly he sounds like a loser and I think you are incompatible

I can understand the concern and anger over credit card debt and smoking but you’ve already said yourself he knew you’d be disappointed in him.
Sounds like he tried, struggled and was embarrassed.

I ended up being my ex's mother. We split because I started to treat him like an adult and make him step up to the plate.

Because my earnings were more than him and I did all the finances he used to spend spend spend and i was the one going without. He had a v expensive hobby that I ended up telling him he'd have to fund. I split the remaining money equally and said he'd have to save. Of course he didn't and ended up having a hissy fit. He even ran out of petrol once and had no money to fill his tank as he'd spent it on something else.

Same with child care, I'd arrange to do something and just leave him to it. Before I'd prob not have gone out or arranged everything. You need to take care of you op.

Sometimes the short sharp shock of having to sort themselves out will either make or break them.

Funnily enough my ex has managed perfectly well since we've split up. He now rents and still manages to do his hobby (god knows how mind you).

He sounds like a loser
Divorce him

If you love him and dont want to divorce ,then cut him some slack!.He is an Accounts Manager, and is obviously somewhat embarrassed by his failure to pass his exams !.I think he is probably a little overshadowed by you TBH. I agree that lying about smoking ,CC debt is unacceptable and immature behaviour. If you sit down together, and explain that if he wants to you can help with exams .I hate Smoking but if he wants to smoke then he will!.As far as CC debt what is he buying do you think?.

@blackcat86
Great post, well done!

OP,
I can absolutely understand how upset you are.
You either trust someone or you don't.
I couldn't be with someone who lied repeatedly.

Wishing you the best.