Controlling parents money and house talk

[StrawberryDaiquiriPlease]

My DMum is obsessive in her discussion with me about if I am going to buy a house. She will include my DS in the discussion and say I should get him out of the city into a "nice" rural school.

A discussion that she has brought up for the last decade on a daily basis. It has filtered in and is something I want to achieve, I think a lot of people want to buy a house, I don't know if everyone's Mum is talking to them about it regularly. There will be times when I don't want to talk to her for a while as it is so frustrating and then I will call to check on her and almost immediately there is mention of the house/a house I could buy/if I've seen a job in * town/if I noticed a certain house was on the market etc.

More recently she has been saying she'd be able to give me the money to buy a house i.e. cash purchase/buy it outright (out of the city, close to where she lives with Dad more rurally) with the agreement that I'd pay back a reasonable amount per month.

Last year she said she would definitely sell a flat she rents out (she actually evicted the tenants) and she told me that her plan was to give me the money - with the understanding that a share of it would be a gift and part of it would be paid back. A few months ago we went to see a two bedroom house with a little garden, an appointment she had set up with an estate agent.

However, I soon found out my Dad was not on board and had not heard of the plan and a couple of weeks later she told me there was a new tenant and even tried to suggest I go to meet him, obviously she does not particularly like my Fiance and thinks somehow it is appropriate to send me to knock on the door of her flat to meet her new tenant. A few months ago I called her and she said she and Dad were gardening. Usually they both listen in on speaker-phone, my Dad even texts and answers on my Mums phone. I said that my partner had proposed and I had said yes. We spoke briefly, she changed the subject, we ended the call. I found out the next day that my Dad had not heard that news. I haven't bothered to update him yet and neither has my Mum. I don't think he'll be thrilled, he is never thrilled by anything anyway. This shows the kind of relationship we have, he is extremely grumpy, irritable, disapproving, although bizarrely to my partner when he met him my Dad was extremely charming. (showing he can behave well if needed.)

Also, when ever she sees me and drives me around in her car she says "I'll give you my car when you buy a house" or sometimes she says she'll sell it to me at a low-ish price and is always updating me on what work she has had done to it so I know it is in good condition.

Recently she had suggested I come and visit her and we had a lovely break away from the city with her until she mentioned, "shall I sell this car, I don't think you want it now you're not buying a house in * town"

That rather triggered my frustration and I said it was really annoying that she had again offered to give me money to buy a house (which involves moving a huge distance) and then gone back on it presumably based on somethings my Dad had said. And she is not just offering to give me the money, she is getting very involved in the ins-and-outs, she'll look up the dates of the school for my DS and it's very difficult to say, surely you can leave that to me, if you want to gift me money - just keep it that simple. My Mum would get very angry with that, she's say of course it's her business etc.

Then, rather casually she drops in that she and my Dad have booked to turn up at the same location in the UK as me and my partner are holidaying in - this being the second holiday i've ever managed to get my partner to take from work, the first was to travel to visit my parents at Christmas.

On the one hand I suppose it is a thing families can do, holiday close to each other and meet up for dinner and BBQs and trips to the beach, however I'm pretty sure she asked me earlier in the year and I said I don't think it's a good idea as I just wanted to take my partner and DS on a holiday to relax and it is about relaxing away from work, not my partner meeting my parents (and I'm pretty sure they don't really think much of him so it feels slightly stressful to me at least).

Is all this normal family life?
Am I mad to keep listening to all this rubbish about buying me a house? (I do not think I am in any position to buy myself a house, decent salary but not enough for a mortgage)
Shall I just play along quietly with my parents turning up in a similar location for the summer holiday and wait and see what they suggest?

Op she sounds mad. Repeating the same stuff all the time it's madness, have you asked her why she wants you to buy a house? I wouldn't rely on her or trust her to give her you anything at all.

AS for the holidays that extraordinary!

No its not normal and I think you should say something or, cancel and tell them your dh can't do those dates now so you'll holiday elsewhere... But you hope they enjoy the holiday

It sounds like she likes playing the role of lady bountiful but won't go through with it. I'd talk to you partner about what you'd like for your hols eg meet up twice? Give then the days then stick to it.

that would be my idea of hell, being on holiday then being expected to meet up with a batshit dm and a grumpy gf both of whom don't like my dp.
stop sharing so much info with her for a start.

sounds to me like she's using money/inheritance to try and control your life.
She doesn't want to just gift it to you so you can buy anywhere you please - she wants you close to her.
She doesn't like your fiancee - so is now trying to gatecrash your holiday.

I would guess this isn't the first time she's tried meddling in your life or relationships?
Don't accept any money from her because it WILL come with conditions - and no doubt she'll be unhappy that your fiancee is living in 'her' house.
Cos anything she gives you will always be 'hers', and she'll use that to continue meddling.

Tell her that you hope she enjoys her holiday - but you won't be meeting up with her.
In future, don't tell her the details of things if you don't want her meddling.

Think very carefully before entering into any arrangement where you will be financially dependent/have financial obligations to her. Buy your own house, using your own money, in a location of your choice, when you are ready and able to to do so.
And, if I could, I would try and switch the location of wherever you are going on holiday. It is lovely to go away with family to the same destination if all of this has been agreed beforehand. Not if said family spring it on you!

Don't rely on her for anything - she is just trying to reel you in.
Either save up to buy your own home or look into shared ownership. But I also wouldn't be looking into moving very close to them.

Have you ever looked at the Stately Homes thread in relationships?
It might be worth your while sorting out your family dynamics and background, maybe get some counselling - all before giving in to her schemes.

As someone who has done this please don’t do this. It’s controlling and it binds you in a way that is an emotional burden. She may well have a plan of her own E.g she is getting older she may pressure you to live with you, repay money when you can’t etc and the chop change of her temperament sounds alarm Also think it’s a big ego boast to have provided the roof over someone’s head, if they start reminding you how lucky you are it’s really quite awful and they’ll have that over you for a long time. Sorry to doom monger but forewarned and all that!

Good points here

Are you my sister OP?
Do we have the same mother?
She sounds as controlling as mine, needless to say I went NC 18mths ago....I'm finally free (and poor) but my life is my own.

Did you? I know it seems like a sensible option but it also seems drastic... and yet there's no middle ground of let's just enjoy meeting up for a nice time with parents like this.

Never ever ever let someone buy you a house and pay them back monthly. It would lead to far too many arguments and be hard to track. Add to that your mother being quite whimsical about the whole thing and you get a recipe for disaster. Perhaps help with a deposit would be better?

OP BUY YOUR OWN HOUSE!!

If you cannot afford one right now, start saving until you can afford one like most people do.

Are you and your fiance not able to buy your own house? Why do they not like him?

Don't tie yourself financially to them as I imagine this will give them more control over your life to dictate what you can and cannot do.

Talk to your fiance and figure out a plan that suits you both.

I don’t think she’ll ever give you any money. I had this with an older relative, they offered to buy me my first car when I was 17, so I went out and picked one and when I told them I’d found a suitable 2nd hand car they suddenly ‘forgot’ they’d ever offered. Another time they offered to pay for some building work and they even got their friend (who was a tradesman) to come to my house and complete the work, then they asked me how and when I was going to pay them back when that hadn’t been the agreement at all.

I think it’s a thing people do as they get older, they make offers that they’ve no intention of following though on.

OP back off a bit.With the best will in the world this is so not good for you.You need to focus on your own independance and making your parents less involved in your life.Tell them what they need to kmow or what you would like to know but no more,If you do this then they have no say on what you door where you go in your life.Concentrate on your future with your partner and your child.If you are not in a position to buy a house your not it is as easy as that,That is the beginning and end of the converstion.You seem too emersed with your parents and need to step back abit.Its not healthy to seek or want their approval.You are a grown woman and you can think,plan and dream for yourself.Your mum is only doing this because you are allowing her to,Go for lunch once a week or ring see how they are faring ..keep conversation basic and light and tell them you are fine wether you are or not.What are you doing for your holidays? Dont know yet not decided...thats all you need to do.Keep financial matters of any description to yourself.Your life will be awful if you are financially dependant on them for anything,You can cut ties in a gentle way it doessnt have to be horrible.People will only treat you as you allow them to and you have been over invested and they too in your relationship,This isnt helping you to grow.Whilst we all want our parents approval understandably you are your own person and you are in charge of you ,

Sounds like my narcissistic parents. It’s 100% about control.

Can you change your holiday? She’s nasty and controlling with money, and you’ll never get it. Had similar behaviour from my family.

I agree with a pp - you need to step back from this relationship. Cut down on contact, don't share information (like where you are going on holiday), be more assertive. It sounds like you spend far to much time with them. You will never get the money, so shut down conversations about it.
Of course, you mother then may become even more difficult if she feels she is no longer in control, at which point you might have to consider your next move.
I would start by changing your holiday. Cut those strings now.

OP you sound kind and rational- but I think your mum at least is playing mind games with you. Happy parents don’t try to manage their children’s lives and if controlling where you live/how/when/where is a big control. To you it’s a kind offer but unfortunately some parents have agendas too!

Dont do it OP. If she wants to help you she can gift you the money without any strings attached or she could presumably evict a set of tenants and you could live in one of the flats. She doesn't actually want to help, she just wants the power, esteem boost, control,prestige whatever that comes with saying she will help you when in actuality it doesn't sound like she will at all. Also, it will ruin your relationship with your partner. My DPs bought a place for us to live and it has become a gilded cage. We pay rent, all the bills and have done it up a bit so we've basically feathered their nest and now feel trapped in a life we cant really afford. The house is way beyond our means so even ultities and council tax are ridiculously high. It sounded like a good idea at the time but if my DPs truly wanted to help they would have gifted us a deposit so we could start to build our own assessts. My DPs talk about some grand plan to help all the family financially but its basically some kind of protestant dream that if we just keep working and playing their game we'll get a reward (that never actually comes). I challenged my DPs as it all seems to come from an inheritance tax discussion and said that surely then the best thing is to help me, DH, DB etc to save and build ourselves up in our own right. He was gobsmacked. That was never the plan. It was just a trap. The strain on our marriage is immense. Major building work was carried out before we brought our first baby home, none of it finished so we were living in a building site (DD nearly died and spent over a week in NICU), DPs decide what carpets we have and when they are done, what kitchen we have and when its installed. Any issues are always blamed on something we have done and never the dodgy builders they use despite other builders raising major issues and dangers. Dont do it. It will ruin your life and you'll be expected to be eternally grateful for the privilege.

Don't do it ! My mother was the same - always wanting to take me to see houses, offering the deposit money etc. I was easily swayed and I nearly allowed her to do it. Thankfully my husband was much more assertive than I was with her, he just told her that we'd do this ourselves and that we didn't want to be beholden to anyone. She backed off thankfully. If I'd gone along with it I'd never have got away from her. We bought out house years later in our own time and I was eternally grateful that we did it then , it was our place and not anything to do with my mother. Don't do it OP !