To still wonder if I need ‘closure’

[Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain]

8 years ago this week, my ex-h left. For a work colleague. I had an inkling, but was blind sided when it happened, but I carried on with life pretty ok considering. I suppose having spent ten years living with the guy, I loved him and wanted him to be happy, despite him hurting me so badly, so I went quietly. We saw each other very very briefly on 2 occasions after he left, had half an hours’ surface chat and parted ways. No crying, no accusations. We sold our house entirely by email, a few months later, got divorced with minimal fuss after two years and never spoke again.

Sounds weirdly fine, but I can’t escape the fact that after years of soul searching and some seriously good therapy, and having made some good progress, I can’t help but wonder if one thing holding me back from finding a lasting relationship now, is properly having it out with the ex. Asking all the questions that have occurred to me over these years. Why her? Why cheat? Was there anyone before her? What could I have done better? And the rest...

Has anyone done this? Would you advise it? Or is it better to leave it all in the past?

I strongly advise against this, and I firmly believe it would make you feel worse, not better. He is a cheating twat and that's all you need to know, and nothing you did or didn't do "made" him be unfaithful. This is all on him, and honestly, you're better off without him.

I definitely wouldn’t do this - it won’t give you closure it will just reignite a lot of old emotions and feelings. Even if all those questions you have were adequately answered (which I’m sure they won’t be) it won’t give you the ‘closure’ you’re looking for. You never had control over his choices and you need to accept this, look forward not backward and focus on you.

The problem is that while you may need closure, he has nothing to gain by going there

I totally get why you feel this way, and many of us feel that need to get things off our chests and have our feelings validated. I can tell you categorically that he will not see things the way that you do
In the time you have been apart he will have rewritten history in his head so that, even if he weren't the one who was hard done to, he would at the very least have been driven to it and thus completely justified.
The time to confront was then.
You were too meek and too forgiving and too ready to consider his feelings above your own.
That cannot be undone.
But you have survived and there is nothing to be gained from revisiting the past
It truly is a foreign country

If you feel you have unresolved issues then see a counsellor, not your ex.

No op,that is not the answer.
You will regret this if you choose to go against the advice you asked for.
Let go.that is what you must do.just let him go.

Hmmmm. Lobotomy it is, then

You won't get any answers from him.

It's nothing you did.

It's him. It's all him. His failing. Seriously.

Take heart. You've come such a long way.

Please don't waste any more headspace on your loser ex.