Significant birthday

[surlycurly]

So not to drip feed, I'll try and give as much context as I can. DM has a big birthday this year. She has, over the years, been very generous to me and I've appreciated it. I am, however, the only child that she has still in the same country as her and relies on me to make all events such as her birthday, Mother's Day etc, special for her. Last year she started talking about her birthday and saying that she wanted it to be significant. She wanted to do a variety of things to celebrate. There was also the implication that she wanted a big fuss made by myself and my siblings. So for nearly a year I have been listening to her make plans and spend money on herself for her birthday. Fine. She's more than allowed. However I've felt under significant pressure to provide a big celebration at huge expense. I decided to take her on a trip several months before her birthday. I had to include my children as their father wouldn't look after them and so it was not cheap. It effectively used any spare money I had for the year. And because it wasn't actually on her birthday I was then left with having to do something on the actual day too. Obviously you can't not get her a present, and she's 'not expecting much, except a nice meal' . I obviously have to pay for all of us as the birthday girl won't. She has also been flown abroad to another country and spoiled rotten by my siblings. I love her very much but my whole year has financially been dominated by her birthday. Her expectations have been huge and she's made several shitty comments that weren't supposed to get back to me about how she just wants a fuss made of her for once (I provide a celebration meal/ cake/ present for every occasion so that a bit naff to hear). I'm now worried that the place I have booked won't be as nice as she wants or that the food won't be as good ( she's a chronic complainer- last year I took her to a high end place and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and bitched about it the whole time). It has caused me no end of stress. Even my kids are sick of it. AIBU to be sick of this bloody birthday?

She is a grown up. She could organise her own birthday celebration. Spend your money on yourself and your family. She clearly doesn't enjoy what you organise so tell her to do it herself. If she doesn't want to pay for it then she doesn't get it.

Thanks @jackernanna - I want her to have a nice time but I feels like whatever I do it won't be enough. And the sacrifices I'm making make me even surlier than normal as I know they're expected and not appreciated. I've spent an enormous amount of energy I don't have worrying about this.

No more op.
Just buy her some pretty flowers
If she wants a big party : she can do it herself. She acts like she is the dd and you are the dm.

Also she acts like she is a spoilt 15yo

So no. Just say no
Especially considering how ungrateful she was
You are fighting for her love. You shouldn't have to op.

Choose you. And let her sort herself out.

I'd emigrate too, OP

My mum is a bit like this but I pointed out a few years ago that most people organise their own parties.

Just turn it back on her. Say, 'Ok, are you going to arrange a party for yourself? Are you going to invite people out or something?'

Just stop pandering to her.

Oh and does she have a DP?

What about her other kids? Even if they're not in the country, they can still send presents or money to put towards a party. Can you ask them?

Otherwise just say no you can't afford it. She can try to guilt you as much as you want, but be firm and point out why it should be you paying for everything when the others don't contribute.

What does she do for your birthdays? If it's only a one-way street I'd put a stop to it, especially if she's being ungrateful!

Without giving too much away, she wanted several celebrations but not a conventional party. My DF died several years ago and it's like she sees me as having to replace him to make her happy, whilst then making out she never gets treated well. I took her on a v. Nice city break and have had to fly to another European destination to celebrate with her as she wanted to have her actual birthday there. And I then have to gift her and take her out when I'm there!!! She did make a big fuss over my last significant birthday but not anywhere like this! And the siblings threw her a party in their country and took her for a lovely holiday too. Thanks for the feedback- everything does feel very much conditional at the moment.

When you say she has been very generous to you, do you mean financially she has supported you a lot? If that is the case then making an effort for this milestone birthday is not unreasonable. She wants a fuss and if she has been a good mother then make it happen for her. I'm sure she is appreciating and has appreciated what you have done for her. This isn't a regular occurrence, it's a one-off for a special birthday.

Do what you can to make it nice and don't make yourself out to be a martyr to your children or pity yourself. This isn't something that's going to be repeated every month or year, so just get on with it and do the best you can with minimal annoyance and moaning.

If she does make silly comments just let them go over your head, your conscience will be clear knowing you've done the best you can. Let her be a precious princess wanting to be spoiled this once, I'm sure it will be appreciated overall. It doesn't sound like your mum is a terrible person overall, just being a bit much because of the birthday. Things will return to regular programming soon

Well, you've come to the right place, OP, because MN generally HATES people who want to make a fuss of their birthdays.

It's one of my "oh, they're all doing group-think" least favourite things about this site. I think birthdays are LOVELY and wanting to celebrate them is also lovely. MN is very "lost one arm... I'll just cut the other one off as well" about birthdays. They have this competitive race to the bottom to see who can acknowledge a birthday the least.

Did I mention that I hate the MN view on birthdays?

But I'll back away and let everyone else tell you how self-centred and U she is.

Why don't you share the cost of a day out with your siblings ?
Next year, think of a budget & stick to it

I've bought days out for people. So their birthday treat, doesn't always occur on their exact birthday day

Do your children make gifts like homemade cards, photos, calenders, cakes ?