Cousin age 24 does nothing.

[stopitandtidyupp]

I know it's not my place to say but I can't help but worry.
We are a close family. My Auntie lives with her daughter,her husband and their adult son age 25. I used to be very close to him but now he doesn't answer many messages and shuts down completely.

He quit uni in the second year of his course. He had an illness he was in a lot of pain. So was bed bound for 6 months when 19.

However since then he has done nothing except play on computer games all day, goes out with friends now and than. He won't even sign on the JSA. If we say anything he shuts down and won't answer.

Auntie enables him. Buys food pays stuff for him. He has it made really. I worry he has gone so far that he has no confidence for the real world. It's just so sad.

Has anybody got any experience with enablers or this situation turned round? I know it's not my place and probably not much I can do. We are worried though as it seems such a waste.

What's your main concern. Why would they expect you and your sister to take over. He's not your responsibility. See if he will go out for a day with you to get out the house and maybe offer to join something with him.

My Mam did the same for my Uncle after my nan died. He worked until 60 though. It's expected we all muck in.

Sounds made up but it's honestly not.

Oh I see!

Well in that case I’d be very clear that if he doesn’t plan to adult, you won’t be a substitute enabler in future.

I would also not take him on any days out etc.

He might manage fine if he doesn’t have anyone chasing after him. Mum has often said about the lad she knows, “how will he manage when his parents are gone”. I think he’ll be fine but as long as people cook for him and pay for him, he’ll take advantage.

DH’s niece is like this. She has an older and younger sibling who have both left home. I have tried to help by looking for work/training ops for her as the field she wants to go into is very niche. I even said she can stay here for a while - we are in a big city and she lives in the back of vetoing. But she refuses to even try.

I think the underlying reason in her case is mental illness. I also thought that from a young age she had been selected as the scapegoat child in that family. My DH says to just leave it.

Can you invite the cousin to stay maybe for a holiday and try and work out what the problem is and try and point him in the right direction.

I have a cousin like this, but I don't know him very well.

It could be that he is unwell mentally and is being protected by his DM (though playing on computer games all day is odd). Or it could be that his mother is enabling him and indulging him, for her own selfish reasons.

Its hard to know what you could do or say. Do you visit? You could make suggestions? What does his DM say about the situation - she must be aware of it.

My brother did this, he was asked to move out, got 6 months rent paid of cheap bedsit, he lived off loans, worked a bit, hated his life, finished his degree age 30 and walked into a well paid job at 31, which then worked very hard to keep! He's 40 now and independent and well off, but he needed to be pushed out of the nest and suffer a bit in the real world, to find his motivation

I think you are giving yourself more to worry about, it's up to your aunt and uncle to make provision for him, if he really needs it

You need to get him together with the sister in the thread last week that was more or less identical .

Although she works, my sister is a bit like this - she won't make friends either, or chip in with housework, so is reliant on family for social needs and food and lifts. It's very wearing on my parents, who want to move away but now have to take my sister being able to get a job/cope with the new area etc into account.☹️

My Uncle is 55 and he’s still like this to an extent. He’s always worked but he still lives with my DGM and she does absolutely everything for him. He has openly admitted he has no idea how to use a washing machine . She cooks every meal for him and tiptoes around the house during the day when he’s in bed (works nights).

I have no idea why some people are like this, I have noticed it’s mostly males... More fool the parents for enabling it.

“He has it made really”

He has it made? OP his life sounds utterly miserable! Who would want to live like that?

He has it made really”

I just meant with the latest iphone, every console going. He is a big gamer.

Food served in his room or at the table wherever.

His mum would agree with me but she relies on the Grandma , her mam too as they all live in her house.

I think a lot of people want to live that way, everything done for them.

when my dad died, the GP offered bereavement counselling but said I had to go through a preliminary check to see what i needed. I asked her to clarify and she said "with divorce and bereavement in particular, we get people saying they need counselling for that - but in reality, the person who is gone did everything for them and they now can't do things like shop for themselves or budget, so it's not actually bereavement that's the issue".

my mind boggled. this was a few years ago and may be specific to my borough. Eye opening nonetheless!

I think he'll get there eventually. Bit of failure to launch but you'll achieve nothing but a row if you try and stick an oar in.