AIBU to ask for help from my husband?

[Cca19]

My husband works full time and I’m still currently on maternity leave. I exclusively pump for my baby.. when I exclusively breast fed he constantly told me I should stop because it was exhausting me with no help through the night etc and how he wanted to do some feeds too.. now we bottle feed he doesn’t want to get up through the night to help me what so ever and complains when I ask for help with the baby. I only ever ask when I really need it but he always asks “what do you do when I’m not here?” Well I struggle to express and feed her at the same time, so it’s nice to not have to if I don’t need to! And I could express and then feed her but I would be awake for hours then! AIBU to ask him to wake up for 20 mins in the night to help with the feeds really? He uses the excuses no one else does it and it makes me feel like I am just an incapable mom as I’m apparently the only one that needs help. He complains it’s so tiring helping with the feeds and then when he comes home and seen I’ve not done much house work he moans and asks why as though I don’t have my hands full! Even though when it suits him it’s too hard to look after the baby! 🙄 I get about 4 hours sleep every night! Seriously guys, AIBU to be upset by what he’s doing and saying? Because he’s making me feel like I am!

He's a total dick, unpleasant, lazy, bullying.

You'd be better off doing this alone. You'd have no help, but neither would you have someone making you feel guilty for not being some sort of superhuman.

These men make me so fucking angry 😡

As ever, it amazes me how it is soooo easy to look after a baby when it's the woman doing it, and soooo hard when the man does it.

Tell him that either you're doing nothing so he can do some nothing too, or it's fucking difficult and you need help, but either way shut his trap (you can rephrase that!) And start pulling his weight in relation to his child. DO NOT call it helping.

You’re going to have some martyrs coming on to say that as you’re on maternity leave you should be doing all night feeds and all housework as it’s not fair for your poor husband to have to be awake in the night and do a full time job, and you get to sleep in the day blah blah blah, but YANBU. He should be doing his share.

He is being a dick. What does he do towards the house work? You have a full time job too of looking after the baby. He needs to pull his head out of his arse and start looking after his child and partner.

Lots of men do the night feeds or take the baby from mum in the early morning after she has done an early breast feed. He doesn't have a clue what he is talking about if he thinks no partner takes responsibility for the care of their child in the night.

If baby is bottle feed could you express extra and leave him with baby for the weekend and an out line of what house chores you want do and what you want for dinner when you get back.

I really feel for you. Breastfeeding is hard enough,pumping is harder and doing it without any support is really tough.

Up until I went to back to work at 9 months I did all the night feeds (almost every 2 hours) but my partner would take the baby when he got home from work and I would sleep from 5pm to 10pm. A solid 5 hours sleep was EVERYTHING to me.

We took shared parental leave so 9 months + I breastfed last thing at night and first thing in the morning but all night wakes became his responsibility.

Shared parental leave has definitely helped ensure we parent 50 / 50. Before this he was sympathetic to how hard it was but after he is able to empathise with the demand of raising a child.

You need more support, otherwise you will get to the point where you think " I am doing this on my own, so why is he in our lives?".

Hopefully you will get some good advice on here to help improve your situation.

SoyDora Yes his excuses are exactly that- he works all day and I can sleep during the day! So annoying

allabouteve1 I’ve tried giving him jobs to do around the house unfortunately even when he’s had a full nights sleep and hasn’t had to look after the baby they don’t get done and end up being my job the next day anyway :(

Next time he says you've to ask him for help, ask why since he's so horrible when you do!

As for housework, he's being an absolute dick. It's his house, his kid and he does fuck all. Unless he's living in the 1950s, coming home to a spotless house and a wife who does absolutely bloody everything despite being exhausted is completely ridiculous.

If he wants a spotless house then I suggest he gets his marigolds on and cleans it!

He should also be doing night feeds, especially if you ask him!

DP is deaf in one ear, and didn't hear our babies in the night. However, if I was wiped out and woke him to do the feeds, he did, every time.

Not because he's some kind of superhero, but because he's not an arse.

I'm sorry your husband is being so horrible, I hope he gets a grip soon.

Ok, firstly it's not 'helping' for him to look after his baby. That's parenting. Is what you do 'helping?' nope.

Secondly, start getting the balance right now, or it'll be a nightmare later. I did all the feeds on mat leave because I exclusively breast fed, I also did the best majority of the housework because baby was relatively easy and I was bored. Dh tried to take some of the load and I stopped him. This is not me doing a martyr speech - I was STUPID to do this.

Dh is lovely, and has always been an equal partner in life and parenting. But by taking over all the home stuff during my first mat leave I made three big mistakes. 1. I pushed him out of doing as much parenting as he could have done in the early days 2. His workload therefore was actually lighter in the first year of parenting than it was before, so it was a major sock to his system when I went back to work 3. Although it was ok, I was doing far more than my share - I couldn't believe how much easier it was when I went back to work! That mat leave year could have been so much easier!

When dc2 came along, the balance was far more equal, and everyone, especially dh, benefited from that.

You can tell him my husband certainly helped in the night - he couldn't do a feed as I bf-d and baby was a bottle refuser but once I'd fed I'd go back to sleep and DH would wind / settle. He'd also take baby after the 4/5am feed so I could get in an extra hour or two before he went back to work. As for housework, tell him he can crack on if things aren't up to his standard - since he's getting a full night's sleep an hour or two of housework should be more than do-able of an evening. I'd also relinquish cooking tasks over to him so he can include preparing / tidying up from the evening meal in that time. Oh, and he can use his lunch break to do the online shopping in the week (delivered at a time he is home so he can put it away) since you don't get a break at all- why should he? Honestly you need to lay down the law now and make it clear you aren't the maid/nanny. He sounds like a selfish prick.

Well we have three DC, 5, 4 and 6 months. Last night for example all of the DC were up 2 times each due to the heat. I did 3 of the wake ups, DH did the other 3. He is now at work, as a director in financial services.
I BF so DH never did night feeds but he did night time nappy changes if needed, resettled, took the DC downstairs if they woke for the day pre 6am and wouldn’t resettle etc etc. He also took over all cooking duties and continued doing his share of the housework.
Everyone needs sleep, even if you’re at home in the day.

Where did you guys find your partners, seriously?! They sound like angels lol. I have tried getting him to pull his weight whether it’s during the night, once he’s back from work or weekends it always seems to fall back on me with caring for our little one. I’ve tried getting him to do chores but it’s always “I’ll do it later” which turns into never. DD used all her bottles up yesterday and he never did wash them up for me to use today, or do the dishes from the past 3 days which I tried to be stubborn and leave for him to do.. so after seeing to DD and no sleep last night I stood and washed everything after giving in since I couldn’t stand the mess anymore. I’m at a loss tbh.

I’ve tried giving him jobs to do around the house unfortunately even when he’s had a full nights sleep and hasn’t had to look after the baby they don’t get done and end up being my job the next day anyway :(

If that case you need to have a serious think about if this is what you want from a relationship. Do you want a partner who sees you as an equal or someone who has no respect for you. At the moment it sounds like it would be easier being single.

The fundamental problem here is that your partner doesn’t really care about your wellbeing. He is continually putting his own happiness, comfort and wellbeing above yours.
In a fair relationship you both need to have a hand in the good and the bad, when one is struggling the other picks up the slack and vice versa. When one needs a bit of extra help, you do it - even if it means you’re tired at work for a day or two.

Your partner - not really a partner though is he - is SHOWING and TELLING you repeatedly that he doesn’t care whether you’re ok or not. He chooses himself at every opportunity. Is this what you want for yourself and your child?

He can’t even wash a baby bottle?
Fuck that, kick him out.
This is the second thread on this subject this morning.
STOP PUTTING UP WITH THESE LAZY SELFISH PRICKS

Tell him to pick a team. Looking after a baby is EITHER easy or takes effort. It doesn't become easy just because you make it look easy. It is effort, it looks easy when someone else is doing it though.
If he truly thinks it is easier when you do it, he clearly needs more practice.

fWIW my DH was great at nights but couldn't seem to pack a bag for an outing. He didn't become better at doing this by me stepping in. He did it himself, had 2 outings when he had to stop and buy stuff, and then started doing it properly! Don't be stubborn, remind him. 'when are you planning to wash dad's bottles? Her next feed is due at 1pm' etc leaving it only enrages YOU,v he won't give a shit.
I've found at lazy People, assume they will help and let them choose how - do you want to feed DD while I wash up, or vice versa? We need to hoover and clean the bathroom, how about you do one job whil I have DD, then we swap? Yeah I'm happy to hoover (or, are you ok to do the bathroom, I still can't lift a hoover)
If he makes you feel like shit for expecting him to pull his weight, you know it is because he sees it as your work. A serious chat might be in order.

He sounds awful.

Tell him, he must start doing his fair share around the house as you cannot do it all and look after a baby, plus have very little sleep.

If he cannot do anything in the house, then you need to stop doing anything for him. So no washing, cooking, shopping for his foo etc.
He will very quickly see that you are very serious and he will have two choices- start doing his fair share adn have a happy relationship, or carry on behaving in a selfish, immature way and see the beginning of the end of your relationship.

Why did he say he would help but now won't? Do you need to have a clear schedule of nights rather than asking him just before he goes to sleep?

I personally understand father's helping when there are more than 1 child but not with the first.

You have opportunities to relax and sleep when they nap in the day that the father won't have. You are also able to look after a baby half with little need of concentration that is required in most jobs.

He should however be involved evenings unless he is out over 12h a day and certainly weekends.

Can I ask why you're pumping, OP?

It would be easier just to breast feed.

Dd has medication that she has to take with 4 ounces of milk.. breast feeding doesn’t work for us anymore unfortunately she’s gotten too used to a bottle and gets frustrated and fussy at the breast. I have tried to make it work

You're pumping and he's asking why the house is a mess?

Bloody hell. I had to express for two weeks while on maternity leave, had loads of help and it was still hell. If DH had mentioned a lack of housework being done he'd have very quickly regretted it.
Your DH is an arse and YA so NBU.

Stop asking and start telling.
My youngest sister is married to a bloke like yours. She just used to park the baby on her husband's lap with a bottle and say ' here, get on with it, I'm doing whatever'.
Housework not done, she used to tell him ' you in know where the duster / Hoover / cleaning stuff Is, crack on buster'
Stop taking Shit and start giving Shit instead.

I read somewhere it takes 35 hours a week to breast feed a baby. Even if you aren't breast feeding due to sterilising bottles, making up formula, changing nappies and generally taking care of a newborn it is a full-time job on it's own.

My DP and other partners I know while working their jobs would stay up later or wake up earlier to feed their child.

Your husband is an a-hole. If he won't step up willingly then give him the baby and a bottle, point out where the nappies are and changes of clothes then go out for a couple of hours. Switch your phone off.