To feel sad about second pregnancy

[BeanBag7]

My husband and I always said we wanted two kids, we have a daughter aged two. When DD turned two I was still happy to have just her but my husband was really keen to start trying. I remember feeling conflicted when trying first time round and it all worked out great so I thought I would feel differently once it actually happened, theres never a right time etc. Etc. so we started TTC and I'm now 7 weeks pregnant.

I just dont feel that happy about it which I feel awful about. Sometimes I am happy and excited but sometimes I can only think about negatives e.g. less money, not enough space, how it will affect older DD who will be 3 when baby is born (this is my main concern). Yesterday I ate some parma ham and then remembered it can be dangerous and thought it wouldnt be so bad if I lost the baby and then felt SO awful for even thinking that.

Obviously it's too late to be conflicted about having a second baby and I feel guilty because I know some people are desperate to have a second baby but can't. Will I feel different as time goes by, e.g. once I have a scan and see the baby for real? Can you tell me some positive stories about how great it is to have a second child? I have tried talking to my husband but he doesn't really get it.

There must be something you're hoping for by having 2 kids instead of 1? What are you looking forward to?

I'm 25 weeks with no 2 and have had really mixed emotions, had dreadful vomiting and was signed off for 5 weeks at which point I felt like I'd made the worst mistake of my life. I could see the impact on DC1 missing out on mummy time and it was awful. My mental health took a nosedive. Now feeling much better physically and mentally but still have moments of wondering how on earth we will all cope!

I'm looking forward to seeing the DC play together, I have great memories of playing with my siblings. I also hope they will get on well as adults and support each other through adult life.

I know in the long run DD will like having a sibling to play with. We always wanted two so I think I will regret in future if we dont.

At the moment I keep thinking about things she will miss out on when I'm pregnant or have a small baby. E.g. the other day we went to a park with a trampoline and usually bounce on it with her and play but I had to say no because you're not supposed to go on them when pregnant. I kept thinking there will be a lot of things I wont be able to do with her.

That sounds really stupid written down 🙄

I have two girls with a 3 year age gap. It's honestly the fucking best although I was horrified when I fell pregnant with my second. I didnt like that the dynamic of my family was changing and worried how difficult it would be. I originally wanted a boy but honestly wouldn't change my girl team for the world. They share all sorts have the best friendship and it's so amazing to have two girls with wildly different personalities and abilities. I had pretty bad anxiety throughout pregnancy, all I can suggest is either some online CBT and reading positive books. It worked wonders for me and even my second birth was a breeze and lively experience. You'll be fine OP.

I had mixed emotions with my second pregnancy too. I was taken by surprise as fell pregnant first month. Was expecting it to take longer, as it did with DC1. We were really considering that first month "practice" and not expecting to get pregnant (I realise this sounds ridiculous!). As a result it didn't really feel real to me for a long time. I think coupled with the fact I was so busy with DC1, I kept forgetting I was pregnant. I had awful sickness, and just felt so rough. I felt less connection to the pregnancy as rarely had time to sit and think about it. I had to stop breastfeeding DC1 which made me quite emotional.

Our age gap is very similar to yours. It has definitely been hard, but DCs adore each other so much already (DC2 is six months). Having two is lovely when they interact, I'm excited to see that bond develop. I loved DC2 as soon as I was them, even though I felt disconnected during pregnancy. It feels like we've always had both children now, can't imagine life before them!

loved DC2 as soon as I SAW them not "was them"!

I think all change can be unsettling. It's ok to have mixed emotions. I'm sure things will improve.
A short course of counselling to talk through your feelings in a non-judgemental environment would probably help enormously.

Thanks all it's nice to hear I'm not the only one with mixed emotions. @GizzardChops I'm also having to stop breastfeeding which I am finding upsetting as DD loves it.
@bluejelly can I ask my GP about counselling or is it only available privately?

I'm not pregnant but I honestly forsee similar things if I do conceive a second baby. My DD was a difficult baby who cluster fed for hours on end, screamed blue murder whenever put down and still doesn't sleep well, I only coped because I didn't have any other responsibilities. All I get are platitudes about how second babies are always easier and you just get on with it which does nothing to make me feel better.

That said I also wonder will I regret DD being an only a child when older. Its like there are 2 life stages, the first will be harder with a baby and a toddler but the second could be harder with only one of DD and our regrets. I dont know what the better option is.

I felt something similar, I think it's because your instincts are to give your first child everything, and for me I couldn't work out how I could split my time and attention once I had my second. But you do, and somehow manage to do your best for both! It's the best, they adore each other and watching the love they have for one another soon washes away any worries! Give yourself a break, your hormones are running wild & if it was terrible to have more than one child most people would stop at one!

I was exactly the same, we planned 2 and I fell accidentally pregnant when my LO was a year old, I felt so sad when I saw the positive test. I had a rough pregnancy so missed out loads, when I did feel ok, I was too knackered to do anything. Now I’m sat here with my 21 month old and and just over 2 week old and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I had a big wobble when I got home from hospital at how HUGE my 21 month old looked and felt like he wasn’t my little toddler anymore, but each day has got better and better. You’ll be back in the park and on the trampoline before you know it x

I am 32 weeks pg with dc2. It was completely planned but the moment I found out I was pregnant I was hit with a wave of anxiety which took a long time to shake off. Like you I was more worried about the consequences of my pregnancy on dd1 who is 2- I was convinced I'd messed her up for life, I'd hurt her by making her a big sister even though logically I knew shed be more than fine. I didnt tell anyone for ages and then finally told DH and dm and even talking to them really helped. It also helped when I started telling others that I was pg (after the 12 week scan) as their reactions helped me to re-remember that this is not just a positive but an amazing thing. I spoke to my midwife and gp and have been having CBT too which has helped too. I just wanted you to know you're not alone but also to seek out help where you can- dont keep it all to yourself. I'm now in a really positive headspace about it and am genuinely excited about dc2s arrival. It took me a while to get here but I am here!x

I think any subsequent pregnancies are more complicated than the first, which is loads of blissful ignorance mixed with dreams about how wonderful a family you're making.

When your second comes along, it feels like a compromise you're forcing the firstborn to make. But it isn't like that for them! There is exactly two years between mine and the eldest doesn't remember life without his little sister. They're great pals, keeping each other entertained during the holidays.

You don't really have to supply the love - babies seem to bring it with them. It might feel different to the first time but it's love all the same. There's something more grounded about it, but sweeter at the same time, because now you can watch the sibling relationship grow.

Honestly it's a lovely thing. Don't feel you're letting your DD down, that isn't possible, and she won't remember it anyway.

Good luck to you OP

You sound like me, OP. I was utterly miserable about being pregnant with number 2, even though he was entirely planned for! I began to feel a bit better after the scan but I can't say I was the picture of expectant joy throughout my pregnancy. I was pretty worried and negative for my first one too though (I was convinced I somehow wouldn't live my child! Felt the same 2nd time round as I thought I'd resent the baby for getting in the way of my relationship with my daughter. Both fears were entirely unfounded).

Think I'm just a bit naturally negative tbh. Which is no bad thing on reflection as I often end up being pleasantly surprised by things!

I’m currently pregnant with my second and I worry about the effect on my DD who will be 3 at the time but I do see a lot more long term positives than negatives. One of my driving factors was that I wanted DD to have a sibling to grow up with and have as an adult.

Hi op due to other factors I wasn't excited about being ph a second time, it did take a while after my ds was born but it did all work out.

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. Felt equally conflicted about trying for many of the same reasons as you. And now it's happened I feel bad about the impact it is already having on DD, which is going to get much worse before it gets better, and my career, which took a little while to get back on track first time round. I just worry that we had a really good set up, and now we're choosing to rock the boat.

It's not all doom and gloom, I look forward to DD having a sibling and watching their relationship unfold. I'm just struggling to feel my own connection. Like you, I'm hoping the first scan will start to change that.