To talk to a counsellor about my mum

[lunchatthecastle]

I’m 20 and I’ve been seeing a counsellor for almost a year, and in the last five or six months or so the topic of my mum has come up quite a bit. I’ve been talking about my childhood and my relationship with my mum (which btw is generally good but I’m seeing that there are some unhealthy patterns which have really hurt me). In the last few months there has been quite a lot of conflict and tension at times between my mum and me. Mostly because of these issues that I’ve been uncovering and resentment that I feel, along with her probably subconscious but still inappropriate expectations towards me.

Tonight we had a bit of a fight, and she said that she hoped I hadn’t been talking to the counsellor about her, because that would be really inappropriate. She said that if there’s a problem, I should talk to her first. I’ve actually found it really difficult to open up to the counsellor about my mum, because I’ve felt this deep-seated loyalty to her. I haven’t been slagging her off or anything like that, I’ve just been honest about how I feel. I have wanted to address things with my mum directly but haven’t felt ready as I’m still processing and learning about why I feel the way I do. I’m now doubting myself and feeling guilty that maybe I’ve “betrayed” her in some way. AIBU to talk to the counsellor about her?

The fact that your mum has told you not to talk to your counsellor about her speaks volumes. She is afraid of a third party critiquing her behaviour (not that counsellors actually do that) because she knows it isn’t normal. She probably feels like she is losing her control over you and she doesn’t like it.

Perhaps your mum can sense a shift in your relationship and feels uncomfortable about it.
Either way, what is said between you and the counsellor is private.

OP, you are an adult. You can talk to your counsellor about anything that is troubling you and which they can help you to process.
It sounds as though your relationship with your mother, both past and present, is problematic, and would benefit from discussion and analysis with a neutral professional.
If your mother objects to this, ask yourself why. A normal, loving mum would be supportive in your efforts to explore and sort out such issues. It sounds very much like she fears exposure of something unpleasant such as emotional abuse, control or narcissism.
Don’t be guilt tripped into stopping your therapy. I think it’s beginning to yield fruit.

I’m now doubting myself and feeling guilty that maybe I’ve “betrayed” her in some way. AIBU to talk to the counsellor about her?

Not only should you talk to your counsellor about your mother, but you should talk about how your mother makes you feel you've betrayed her. Unpicking this should be very useful. Good luck. This stuff is difficult but in the long term it should benefit you. I went through it 20+ years ago and since then my mother and I have had a much better relationship.

OP please talk to the counsellor about your Mom and also let her know that your Mom has asked you not too. The counsellor is bringing up this topic so she can get a proper view of everything. If you don’t speak to her about this or certain things she may not be able to help you without knowing the whole story. We all feel loyalty to our parents but the fact is this counselling is for you, nobody else.

This is your time to talk about how you feel. I’ll share a story about my husband who has similar issues if that is ok. He suffers with depression. As a teen he went to the family doctor where the doctor put him on medication and set up counselling. He went home told his mother who told him he had no right to speak to anyone, threw the meds in the bin and told him to never speak about this again to anyone. He struggled with this for another 14 years and I knew nothing for 6 years, he was considering taking his own life many times and it also nearly destroyed our family in the process. It took a year of seeing the counsellor to start talking about his childhood and his mother as like you he felt a sense of loyalty. This was nearly 2 years ago and he is a totally different person and so happy. They have a completely different relationship now, he has boundaries in place and she has no choice to go along with it. Don’t worry about speaking to your Mom just yet, it may take a while. The counsellor will help you with this.

What I am trying to say by telling you this is don’t waste these years, you have taken the first step in seeing someone which is incredibly brave. It is not about how your mother feels about this. It is all about you and how you feel. Keeping talking.

Best of luck x

I am almost 50 and have had counselling on and off. Its normal for people to have issues with the person or people who we spent the most time with in childhood. Most parents do their absolute best but when you spend 24 hours a day with someone things are never going to be perfect. I love my mum, she is amazing to me - but growing up her parenting caused issues. Not her fault - she learned to parent from her parents and so on. The thing is that when you are a child you are completely vunerable to the adults around you - you have to do what they say and you naturally believe what they say. It shapes you. My mum gave everything she could to me, emotionally, physically and financially and still does. I still need counselling for some of it but I don't blame her. I need the counselling to be the best person I can be a more informed and hopefully an improved parent for my children.
As others have said - the fact your mum has asked you this speaks volumes about her and what impact she must have had on you as a child. It is exactly this controlling nature that you need to unpick. You are brave to have counselling and I think you have articulated it well - you need to get things clear in your mind before you talk to her. You are 20 now and an adult yourself - what you talk to your counsellor about its your business and not her's.

Thank you for your replies.

I hope that I can hold out and still go and talk about her. I do feel guilty now, she looked so hurt when she said I shouldn’t be talking to anyone about her. Growing up that’s how I felt - that above all I should be loyal to my family and that meant not talking about them in a negative light to anyone.

I don’t think it’s because she’s afraid that something about her will be “revealed”, I think she has her own issues from childhood and her marriage that she hasn’t dealt with. I think she has low self esteem and is paranoid about what people think of her and hates the idea that someone would think badly of her. It’s partly growing up knowing that she has stuff that she hasn’t dealt with, and the impact that that still has on her, that makes me want to deal with my stuff now.

Thank you @ittakes2, that’s exactly it. It’s not that I’m criticising her to the counsellor, I’m just working through the inevitable effects of being parented by another human being, who like myself, isn’t perfect. I’m trying to overcome the not so good parts of that parenting so that I can become a healthier person. But it’s like, for my mum, to even admit that her parenting might have caused me any kind of issues is a big blow to her confidence and how she feels about herself. And I need to remember that although of course I care, I’m not responsible for her feelings. Just my own.

Should I tell her that yes, I have spoken to the counsellor about her? I don’t want to lie to her and say that I haven’t. Last night she asked me directly.

It’s never wrong to talk to a counsellor about anything - that’s what they are there for.

Absolutely! These are topics that are really important to explore..

Especially in the light of your mum's comments....

I would be very vague...

And if she pushes I would say something like... I'm not 'slagging you off', inevitably family dynamics are discussed...that's all part of therapy....

Or

'as you know mum, these sessions are exactly like GP /medical appointments... How and what is discussed is absolutely confidential'

Good luck OP! Also, well done attempting to get these issues sorted out at such a young age... Most people at 20 won't have the insight /reflection. It will make you a much happier adult!

Like most of the other prents on here I imagine, I know I am bound to have impacted on my children in many ways, and some of them are probably unhelpful. I even have an inkling about what some might be, and have mentioned them to them (albeit lightheartedly for the most part).

As you wisely deduce, your mother's definsiveness has left you feeling you have some 'no-go' areas which in their turn may be holding you back. Congratulations for taking the opportunity to explore these while you are still so young.

If my dd was having counselling I'd realise whe was going to be talking about me. I daresay I'd be uncomfortable about it, sure, but I would recognise it was none of my business. I probably wouldn't mention it actualy - as I would think it might make her uncomfortable - just as your Mum mentioning it has done you. (Assuming she wan't being lighthearted, which it sounds like she wasn't)

I meant to add - it would make me uncomfortable too. A very intrusive remark really. If I learned one thing from my own DM about parenting young people, it was: rein in the intrusive comments and questions!

I struggled a bit with dipping into family relationships and I’m much older than you. If I’ve learned anything on this planet it’s that everyone has some issues with their parents and most feel a bit bad about that. Even now, maybe especially now, my friends and I discuss our parents a lot.

Just be vague about ALL of the content of your sessions, that’s a boundary you need to have, the sessions are YOURS. I would try to start the next session by describing this conversation and see where it takes you.

Reading this thread has been a bit of an eye opener for me. I have a lot of mental health problems, and my mum has always reacted similarly. (I'm 27)

Tonight we had a bit of a fight, and she said that she hoped I hadn’t been talking to the counsellor about her, because that would be really inappropriate.

Then your mum is barking. It is entirely appropriate to talk about close family relationships in counselling - in fact most counselling is designed expressly to do this, in a safe, & CONFIDENTIAL setting.

She said that if there’s a problem, I should talk to her first.
Of course she does. Then she can keep controlling you & telling you what you ought to be thinking & feeling.
Please do NOT open up any further to your mother about your PRIVATE counselling sessions. In fact, you would do well to raise this as an issue directly with your counsellor, so you can discuss options & techniques to manage your mother when she next attempts to hijack YOUR private counselling.
Counselling sessions are sacrosanct, & only to be discussed with the client & their professional advisor.

Does you mother have a history of controlling & manipulating you like this? You don't need to feel any guilt whatsoever about discussing your relationship with her, in a private setting, with a professional trained to do so. The more time you invest in your counselling, the easier this will become to deal with. Very best of luck with it xx

YANBU, OP. I really regret that I've dropped out of counselling that was doing me good on two separate occasions because my mother guilt-tripped me. On the second occasion, she actually convinced me to try the counselling in the first place because I was anxious after giving birth. Then, the moment I started, it switched to constant wails of "oh, I feel so insecure because I'm sure you're saying all sorts of terrible things about me to your counsellor. I'm sure I don't know what I could have done though. I've always been a wonderful mother". In the end, I just gave up because she'd guilted me into feeling that my childhood and my family relationships were off-limits, so what was the point?

Ironically, I hadn't been saying anything negative about her, but her behaviour over the second lot of counselling finally made me realise how damaging her parenting has always been.

I'm sure my DD will have all sorts of things to say to a counsellor about my parenting when I'm older. The thought makes me sad but that's my problem, not hers. She's my daughter, not my cheerleader.

But it’s like, for my mum, to even admit that her parenting might have caused me any kind of issues is a big blow to her confidence and how she feels about herself.
And she is choosing to put her own feelings ahead of your need for talking therapy. She seems quite self-centred - most mums would be totally supportive of their daughter's admirable first steps into counselling.

Should I tell her that yes, I have spoken to the counsellor about her? I don’t want to lie to her and say that I haven’t. Last night she asked me directly.
You need to learn how to shut this down.
"Mum, it's my private business, & it's not up for discussion."
"what happens in the session stays in the session"
"I don't talk about counselling with anyone but my counsellor".

Your mum might call it ‘loyalty’ or privacy’, but what she’s really talking about is secrets. And her control over the family dynamics by setting up an ‘us and them’ mentality.

My mum HATED that I saw a therapist. It wasn’t anything to do with her, but it soon became all about her! She insisted I should bring her along to a session, so she could ‘set the record straight’. Like hell that was going to happen.

A good lace to start would be talking to your counselor about the guilt you feel talking about your mum, no conversation should be off the table in counselling, they are your feelings and emotions and you don't need to tell your mum about any of it .

You can say whatever you like about whomever you like to your counsellor. You need to be able to be honest and open for it to work.

And no, don't tell your mum you've been talking about her. It won't help.

You can and should talk to your counsellor about anything you want to. Your mum probably feels threatened by this but it's essential to your long term well being.

Please do not feel bad in any way - you should be free to talk to your counsellor about whatever you need to. The fact that she doesn't want you to is a major red flag to me and says tou should speak about it! Note - my son is currently seeing a counsellor and i want him to discuss whatever he needs to - if it something about me then he should go ahead.

The whole point of counselling is to work through the issues from the past that are causing you problems now. If you don't talk about your mum and your relationship with her, then in all likelihood the counselling won't actually help you to overcome the problems and move forward because you'll never be dealing with the real issue, just skating around a few superficial things.

Please don't avoid the subject with your counsellor. I suggest that when your mum asks, you say that you talk about a lot of things in your life, including your childhood, and then move the conversation on.

I am a counsellor and have also had many years therapy myself. At a rough estimate I’d say about 50% of any given counselling/therapy relationship involves talking about parents and it’s mostly mums.

That’s being a bit glib but our early experiences with our primary career shape our personalities and our attitude to future relationships so it’s inevitable that they will get discussed in therapy.

Your mum is being very unreasonable expecting to control your very private relationship with your counsellor. I’d be taking it straight to therapy!