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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being too harsh on my friend?

10 replies

DrPeppersPhD · 25/07/2019 21:04

Sorry for the essay, but I don't want to drip feed.
I started university this time last year and met two girls (henceforth Eliza and Clara) who I became quite good friends with. We had a class where we'd sit together and quite often sat together in lectures as well, or go back to one it the girl's halls (other girl lived off campus and my kitchen is tiny) and study together. Roughly halfway through the term, Clara starts to bug me, just little things like me pointing out she'd missed a piece of information out on her flashcard or and her then telling me I'm wrong when I have the book right in front of me, or continually teasing me about x and y when I've asked her to stop because I'm not in the mood that day. Full disclosure, I am autistic and I'm not the best with emotions (my own or others) and if I'm not in the mood to deal with processing teasing I really hate it.
Skip ahead, when she's not bugging me Clara and I are still good friends, sometimes we meet up without Eliza, often together, things are nice. Clara, meanwhile, starts drinking insane amounts of coffee (we're talking 7 or 8 double strength cups a day or more), and it's messing up her sleep schedule. Eliza and I both say she should cut back, but of course she's a grown woman so there's nothing we can do really. At the same time, Clara also gets sick, can't keep any food or water down, is apparently in a lot of pain and has a chest infection, all over the space of a few weeks. We tell her she shouldn't come to class, just to look after herself and cut down on coffee, which she ignores and continues to just complain about how awful she feels, which is fair enough but a tad annoying when she won't listen to any advice.
One night, about 8pm, I get a message from her saying her heart feels funny and she needs help. I say she needs to go to the nursing service, she says no she'll just wait it out so I go around to see her. More disclosure, my dad had a heart attack when I was 15 so I probably am paranoid about it, but what really pissed me off was that next day she was spreading the story that she hadn't felt ill at all, and she only felt ill because I gave her a panic attack. We stay friends, but argue quite a lot. She became very self absorbed, often being quite rude to Eliza as well, we once pulled an all nighter in the library and at the end of term, and upon Eliza saying she was tired Clara said "what are you talking about, I've been up for 4 days Eliza!" same night, we also had an argument because I was talking about my anti depressants, not even complaining just talking, and she started going on about how I should talk to my mum because she's a doctor (which she's not, she's a genetic engineer who studied medicine 30 years ago and has never practiced medicine in any capacity) about them, when she knew full well my mother's abuse is a large reason why my MH got as bad as it did. I stopped responding to her at that point because I couldn't be bothered to argue, and she started going on about how I hated her and she'd done nothing wrong.
I cut her off until the end of term, but we stayed friends into the next term, which promptly became a shit show. First week I sat next to her in class. She said "no, I'm not sitting next to you, we've talked about this", then complained because I said I couldn't be bothered to have an argument that day. We walked back in the rain, and they both forgot their coats, I had a hoodie with the hood up, so Clara reaches over, grabs my hood and ripped it off, taking some of my hair with it. We then proceed to have another argument about that and she says, once again, she's done nothing wrong.
A few weeks later she's ill again, and I wonder if it's a new vegan milk she's been trying, she says it absolutely can't be because she's been drinking vegan milks over a year with no issue, this goes back and forth for a bit when she says "can we just fucking stop" and leaves the GC. At this point I'm really angry and I decide to leave as well, and block her so I can't send her anything I'll regret in the heat of the moment. I talk it over with Eliza later, she says Clara wants to talk to me so she's going to add me back so we can talk. I agree, but we just end up arguing again, with her telling me that I'm being ridiculous and and over sensitive and me telling her she needs to grow the fuck up. That eventually got settled, and everything was ok until a few weeks later when I ended up having to see a senior member of pastoral staff, who was a cunt and told me to stop cutting in front of people (which I have never done anyway and would never do). Her response was "maybe you should just stop razoring yourself".
After that I stopped talking to her, but Eliza and I stayed close friends, got on with my life. But I ended up meeting her a few weeks ago, she said she was sorry, that she was having a really bad time, even planned to leave the uni, I'm now wondering if I'm being too hard on her and should give her another chance.
Wwyd?

OP posts:
helpmeiamatoad · 25/07/2019 21:08

She doesn’t sound very pleasant at all OP. Cut her from your life! Be polite in lectures but otherwise I’d avoid all contact.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 25/07/2019 21:12

It doesn't sound like any of you actually get on, but you are very involved in each others lives. Take a couple of steps back, let her get on with her life and you get on with yours, if your paths cross be polite but don't be so involved.

greenwaterbottle · 25/07/2019 21:17

Find new friends who are more mature.

Bezalelle · 25/07/2019 21:17

She sounds like a pain in the proverbial. Cut her loose.

lakesea · 25/07/2019 21:22

Get rid of her for good. Look after yourself and be more selective with who you choose to spend time with in the future.

She is no friend, she is a drama lama and energy vampire.

You on the other hand sound nice, competent and a good friend. What are you studying nosy?

ThrowThoseCurtainsWide · 25/07/2019 21:28

Just take a step back. No more group chats, they always get messy!

Be friendly and polite, but don't get involved with their lives - you don't need that extra stress.

Are you in different accommodation next year? You will find more people who will be proper friends. I have ASD and I have clung to people in the past because I though they were my friends. Actually they were really the first people I got to know so I just stuck with it. A true friendship shouldn't be hard work. I'm in my late 20s now, I promise you it gets easier

thetimekeeper · 25/07/2019 21:44

Good grief, that doesn't sound like a friend. Why on earth have you put up with that for so long?

DrPeppersPhD · 25/07/2019 21:46

@lakesea
Thank you! That's actually made my day! I study Classics, which marks me out as a massive nerd if my general persona didn't Grin
@ThrowThoseCurtainsWide
Yes, I'm in a different house next year, with two friends from a society and one from my course. I've also got other friends, both on my course and outside. I'm still close to Eliza, she was never part of the problem, some other friends that I've met through my course who I'm not as close to but still have a good time with, and quite a few friends from the asd social I go to, most of us met on a residential and have stayed friends since.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 25/07/2019 21:50

Clara sounds like an utter pain. Wish her well but don’t give her any further chances.

Atlasta · 25/07/2019 22:00

You don't need someone like this in your life.
Next time she's going through a tough time you'll have all the horrible behaviour to look forward to!
No thanks.

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