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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about broken tablet?

21 replies

BoredAtWork1000 · 25/07/2019 19:34

I think the heat might be getting to me, but DP has annoyed me this evening! Fully prepared to be told IBU, so here goes:

DP has two step-daughters from his first marriage. They stay over at our house regularly as DP brought them up as his own, (despite them being born from his ex-wife's numerous extra-marital affairs...don't get me started on his ex-wife's character, that's another thread to itself)
Anyway, we bought them both a tablet at Christmas, about £60 each as their main present.. The eldest girl (11) has been glued to hers every since, until she took it in the bathroom with her and damaged it so it can no longer be used. DP just shrugged and said accidents happen. This made me bristle a bit, but I generally try not to give my opinion on his parenting of the stepkids and leave him to it (!). So now the eldest girl has been borrowing her younger sisters (7 year old) tablet. And tonight she has broken the headphone jack in it by jamming her headphones in too roughly (despite being warned about it). Her sister was upset because she likes to play games on it with her headphones in. Again DP shrugs and says accidents happen. I forgot my place for a second and said, well she's broken something that belongs to someone else this time, surely she should pay towards a new one out of her monthly pocket money? AIBU about this? DP says I am.

I didn't mean for her to use all her pocket money, but put a portion of it towards a replacement, even a couple of pounds just to teach her to respect other peoples possessions?

AIBU? Because this is what I would/will do if my daughter ever breaks something like this. His eldest DP is a nice girl generally, but a bit immature and DP tends to do everything for her... like picking up her rubbish, taking her plate to the kitchen, making juice for her when she is perfectly capable of doing these things herself... I think babying her when she's done something wrong, even though I know it was not done maliciously is not helping her out in the long run.... but not my kids, not my decision....

OP posts:
Original poster
BoredAtWork1000 · 25/07/2019 19:36

Also, I don't expect her to pay the full £60, that would take too long,but surely something should go towards it....

OP posts:
SummerInTheVillage · 25/07/2019 19:36

YANBU. He's a prick.

PooWillyBumBum · 25/07/2019 19:37

YANBU.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/07/2019 19:38

Is there a chance that DH is cautious with the girls because he doesn't feel secure? As their mum could stop contact any time, so he doesn't want to upset them, in case they tell tales?
YANBU on the parenting front but this is hardly a straightforward situation. It needs a careful approach. Would the ex allow him to apply for PR?

Biancadelrioisback · 25/07/2019 19:40

Summer how is he a prick?

SummerInTheVillage · 25/07/2019 19:42

He's a prick for not parenting properly.

DD should pay to replace what she broke.

Original poster
BoredAtWork1000 · 25/07/2019 20:36

@codename yes I think there is an element of that certainly. The eldest SD tends to walk all over him and he allows it. But she has form for telling lies/untruths and I don't think she's ever suffered consequences for her actions

I just sit there thinking she's going to be a lovely teenager (!) Hopefully it won't go that way.....

OP posts:
Original poster
BoredAtWork1000 · 25/07/2019 20:41

And there is no way their mum would let him apply for PR. She is going through the courts to have her latest boyfriend adopt the girls as his own. He's a weed smoking aggressive sword wielding maniac who is in constant trouble with the police.
DP is essentially being phased out into a glorified babysitter. But as I said, i could do a thread about her behaviour towards her DP & children on its own....

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/07/2019 20:45

What’s the children’s parentage got to do with a broken tablet Hmm

You don’t need to be a biological parent to be a Dad!!

Original poster
BoredAtWork1000 · 25/07/2019 20:50

@HaudYerWheesht, I totally agree. But previous poster asked whether DP's reluctance to act on step-daughters behaviour is because he is worried their mum might stop contact. And I believe that is the case....

OP posts:
Rainbowknickers · 25/07/2019 20:55

We had this with my dsd
She jammed her dads beats headphones (that I saved for months to buy) really hard in the family laptop and snapped the end of them off in the jack port
He just shrugged it off (it’s about £500 worth of damage)
I’m really pissed off cos it’s not like I can just find £100+ for another pair of headphones and we now can’t use the laptop
I said she should have her pocket money stopped (she’s 16 and refuses to get a job-she’s in for a shock when she turns 18) until she’s paid for some of the damage
He thinks ‘it was just an accident and she didn’t mean it’
I can’t enforce a damn thing cos I’m not ‘her real mum’
Really boils my piss
(She’s also broken my hairdryer phone and my mug with just a ‘yeah sorry’ and a smirk)

raspberryk · 25/07/2019 20:59

Why do people not parent! YANBU in the slightest.
Also omg rainbow I wouldn't be having that either.

boringlyboring · 25/07/2019 21:08

She is going through the courts to have her latest boyfriend adopt the girls as his own.

I think I’d cut him some slack at the minute tbh. He’s probably going to end up losing them if this adoption goes through.

Original poster
BoredAtWork1000 · 25/07/2019 21:08

Ouch @rainbow!
Yes that would annoy me intensely. Don't want to come across like I'm bashing SD she is still only a child after all. But I think I'm reading the replies right, that DP needs to man up! I do find it hard to stay uninvolved though and tend to bite my tongue quite a lot!

OP posts:
newnamewhosthis · 25/07/2019 21:14

I think YABU.

Accidents happen headphone, tablets and electronic gadgets in general are delicate and your husbands step daughter is young.

If anything I would agree to a replacement for the younger sibling but the older would have to save for her replacement.

Or even once she has saved for her sisters reward her with her own for correcting her mistakes and being grown up with purchasing the other.

To make her pay potential for 2 tablets would be overkill imo.

Rainbow · 25/07/2019 21:42

YANBU. If she was told not to be so rough and she didn't listen then she needs to learn actions have consequences.

AE18 · 25/07/2019 21:45

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. Kids need to learn to respect expensive property, and certainly if it isn't theirs. Really puts my nose out of joint hearing someone say "I forgot my place", as well, what is he the master of the house? If he is a step dad himself he should respect you as a step mum and not expect you to "know your place", it's awful. If he is concerned about losing contact then he needs to discuss that with you so you are on the same page, not just expect you to blindly pipe down.

AnnaFiveTowns · 25/07/2019 22:05

I'm with your DP on this; it was an accident, not done with malice, although maybe it was a bit careless. I couldn't get my knickers in a twist over this, to be honest. But then I've got teens and I know to pick my battles...

Rainbowknickers · 25/07/2019 22:36

I don’t want to come across like I hate her-I don’t but I am sick of dad just letting things like this go
I would have gone mental at mine and stopped their pocket money but he won’t do that
She doesn’t really understand money as he babies her all the bloody time

Grumpos · 25/07/2019 23:18

YANBU to suggest she put towards replacing her sisters tablet.
So was it this past Xmas they were bought? If so she has wrecked two tablets in 7 months? Accidents do happen yes but to have done this twice in less than a year and one of them not even belonging to her does show a lack of respect and carelessness.
My dsc does this sort of thing, not necessarily breaking stuff but has no concept of consideration. They simply don’t understand why you’d need to be slightly quieter when it’s 6am and not everyone is out of bed for example (they are not young btw - old enough to know better). It’s a lack of respect for other people and to be honest your partner is doing them a disservice for not being stronger on this sort of thing.
My DP is very strict on dsc and they are pulled up immediately but unfortunately their mum has a very strong trait of being incredibly self serving and it’s being passed down faster than we can challenge it.
It’s a tough situation, whilst you have boundaries as you are not in a parental position necessarily, I assume you pay half the bills and contribute to their care both mentally and financially - including buying Xmas presents and other things, if so then I think you do have a place to put your opinion forward.

15YemenRoad · 26/07/2019 00:04

I can understand him approaching this carefully but he does need to step up when things go wrong so that they can learn.

In this instance I would actually replace the tablet for the 7 year old and make it clear the 11 year old is not to use it. However for the 11 year old she can save up for her own tablet or pay some money towards it from her pocket money. That may also teach her to value things more when she knows it's her money.

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