to think that I'm kidding myself thinking someone could really love me?

[hereforit]

Not going in to detail re past relationships but they haven't been great. My recent ex (partner for 5 years) was abusive. I have a child with him who is the most beautiful boy I've ever known. I love him fiercely.

I am addressing these issues through the freedom program.

Since having my son, I've put on weight, I'm not that overweight but I'm bigger than I am used to - my stomach looks pretty gross. It's wobbly and covered in huge stretch marks that spread all the way up to my chest. My once toned legs are also covered in stretch marks and are cellulitey and large. My boobs are different sizes (by 3 cup sizes) and look ridiculous.

I remember before I had my son, I took great pride in my body, I looked amazing, and whenever it came to someone else potentially seeing me naked, I would be apprehensive, but confident (I haven't slept with that many people). Now, the idea fills me with dread. I hate my body. I feel pretty disgusted when I look at myself as I know that if I were a bloke, I wouldn't be attracted to me.

Considering I feel the way I do, and I really don't have much going for me looks wise anymore (face is ok when I have time to make the effort), what are the chances of finding love one day, with someone I am attracted to, and who is attracted to me equally as much?

I think I have a fun personality and I'm intelligent. I just feel incredibly ugly at the moment ☹️

Love doesn't come from how you look. I'm really fat (genuinely morbidly obese, I'll predict you're not) and getting wrinkly. DH loves me anyway, as I love him with his greying hair and round belly.

You're looking at the wrong thing, if someone only cares for your looks then they're not worth having

I completely understand that but my looks ruin my confidence, and at the end of the day, looks do matter to an extent?

Actually, you now have the privilege of weeding out superficial arseholes ahead of time.

When you get together with someone, you will know they are attracted to your personality, your strength of character, the things which make you 'you' which will last a lot longer than your waistline.

I've a friend who was morbidly obese when we met. She's now a stunning size 12. Same husband, same commitment. He is totally unchanged.

How often have you seen happy couples where the woman is bigger than you are, or less physically attractive? It is entirely possible to find true love - but as it stands, you sound like you could accept anybody who shows a spark of interest and that might be another abusive relationship because often that type of man can smell the lack of self esteem in a woman.

Finish the Freedom Programme, start reading about how you can build your self esteem, and when you are in a better place, start looking for somebody who believes they have found someone precious to love. Good luck

The right person will love you - for you
However why don’t you start eating more fruit and veg and less sugary / carbs type of stuff Maybe invest in a decent haircut and or manicure
And walk instead of driving where possible
These are things you do have control over and can make you feel good about yourself
Small steps and all that

You're right greenbottles. I need to be much pickier in my choices of men. Thankfully I am realising this now.

I actually exercise a lot and eat very healthily. Sadly neither of those things will get rid of stretch marks or a flabby stretched tummy/lopsided boobs from pregnancy/breast feeding

Of course someone can love you!

I had an abusive ex (although it doesn’t sound as bad as yours), I was depressed towards the end of the relationship and put on weight. I went NC with ex and after about a month I started doing exercise again and then I started watching what I ate. It just seemed to happen naturally as I got further away from bastard ex. I lost a bit of weight. I met the love of my life 3 months later and we’re still together.

Things might seem bad now but they will get better. Sending you hugs.

So happy to hear it Ivy. Someone told me once that we should never say our abuse is any more or less than another's. Abuse is abuse any anyone who experienced it needs to know that what they went through was serious. So glad you're out now and happy.

It's what you're like as a person that's important. Are you kind, considerate, cheerful, friendly? Are you interesting to talk to? You charm them first, then afterwards reveal your other attributes, (if they're lucky).

@hereforit

Thank you! I just wanted to post it to show you that you never know what’s round the corner. Someone wonderful could be waiting there for you.

PS if all else fails, there’s always Spanx.

Well if you are intelligent and fun then someone is bound to fall for you.

I don't think there are many people in the world who could be classed as ugly. Sure, we all appreciate looks but if someone only had good looks we'd soon tire of them.

You probably need to work on increasing your self-confidence as natural confidence (not over-confidence) can be very attractive.

I could happily spend time with someone who is intelligent and fun. If they didn't have these qualities I can honestly say I wouldn't bother with them at all. So you are streets ahead of the game already.

So glad you are doing the Freedom Programme. Abusers do a real number on our self-esteem, don’t they? Because while we believe no one else would want us, they gain more power. Enjoy some time to regain your sense of self, treat yourself to new clothes, hairstyle, whatever makes you feel good, and treat your body with kindness and care. Guaranteed a decent guy will come along to appreciate the whole yoy.

You - darn it!

Its a cliche but until you love yourself, no one can love you.
You wouldnt believe them.

Work on your relationship with yourself.
Be the best you can for your little boy.

Yes, he didn't make me feel great. He hated my stretch marks, pointed out my lopsided boobs and kept talking about how a boob job could fix them, he kept asking why I wasn't going to the gym at 8 months pregnant then compared me to some Instagram model, as an example of how it's good for you to work out at 8 months pregnant. Even when I left him and he was trying to crawl back to me, I told him the way he treated me and talked about my body was disgusting. Even then he still said 'im sorry I should understand more that you don't have time to work ouy' aka yes you are flabby but I should accept that! Most normal men I would hope would tell their Mrs they're beautiful after giving birth to their child. He ruined my whole pregnancy. Wouldn't have sex with me because I was too big and he didn't find it attractive but still begged for oral sex and I gave in every time. He would lay on the bed and I would sit on the floor whilst he lay on his back so he didn't have to look at my belly. He's completely ruined me and sadly these are only s measly few examples.

I'm not looking for a man right now. I'm not on OLD. I don't socialise with anyone other than other mums with young kids and I'm happy with that. I do worry about the future though. I'd love to meet someone some day.

My partner adored me (as I did him) despite my vast size and being the ugliest person I know.

It's not about looks, not really, it's about the person underneath. You will feel so much better when you make yourself realise that is the truth and accept yourself. Be clean, obviously, and tidy and smile. Listen to people more than you talk and take an interest in them and their lives and concerns. Never gossip, never bitch. That is what makes you attractive.

I'm so sorry for what he did to you. I'm really glad you're doing the Freedom Programme.

I'm not sure how far you are through, but do you notice that what you just described in your last update is classic abuse? Everything you describe him saying to you was calculated to break your self esteem - even after you left him when he did the "sorry but", he was trying to reinforce that idea he'd planted in your head that you wouldn't find anyone else. He was just trying to break your resolve to get you to give in to him.

It's fantastic that you are taking the steps forward that you are and that you could see even then that the way he spoke to you was disgusting. Somewhere inside of you you know the way you're feeling about yourself isn't true.

If you compare your last update to your opening post, can you see that the thoughts you have about yourself, being down on yourself, are just his voice still echoing in your head? In fact, the title of your thread is exactly the belief your abuser gave you to try to keep control of you. It's not true.

Try to speak more kindly to yourself and challenge it when you hear his voice continuing to berate you. I know it won't be easy or possible to instantly transform this overnight, but if you keep chipping away it will get easier and feel more believable to counter it and be kind. (I know you might be shaking your head at me, it used to feel impossible to me too, but it can change, little by little...)

Remind yourself it's his voice in your head, it's part of his abuse, it's not true, and you're not going to listen to him anymore.

You are loveable and worthy of love. Start extending some love to yourself first.

@cantfindname

There is a girl at work - blonde, slim, always very dressed up. Everyone knows she’s nasty though. She’s dropped so many people in it. Even the men don’t find her attractive now (although they’d probably have a one night with her).

I don’t think you will be the ugliest person you know. You’ve taken time out to post on here to try and make a stranger feel better. I do think nice and nasty personalities shine through.

Ok, x post so where I wrote "your last update" I was referring to your 17:36 post.

I thought the same about myself. You have to NEED to be kind to yourself, and weight- that can be lost even if very gradually if it is difficult for you to curb your eating habits like myself. I’ve a Fitbit that’s paired with the myfitnesspal app, and I calorie count on myfitnesspal and my Fitbit will tel myfitnesspal what I have burnt off calorie wise and give those calories back to me again which I can re-eat if needed or not. It takes what you have eaten basically, and the more you eat the more it deducts calories but if you had 500 say, ate 200 but then burnt 50 you would have 350 left to eat. You can eat whatever you want and can get a basic Fitbit.

I used to feel this way, albeit in different circumstances. Then a bloke I worked with asked me to go for a few drinks with him and a few people from work (ended up being 1 person, he was too nervous to ask me on a date so took his mate under the guise of a work night out! Other colleague promptly left us to it), and the rest, they say, is history.

We're both obese (put more weight on since being together, but are trying to lose it) but I think he's absolutely gorgeous and he thinks the same about me. We're also best friends and I genuinely never imagined that anyone could ever even like me, let alone find me attractive and love me!

But it happened. Because the person who matters thinks you're beautiful, they love you for you. It's nothing to do with how we look or our self esteem. The right person will help our self esteem, they help us to love ourselves because they love us.

You WILL find the right person. He's just waiting for you and he thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world.

Both of my nieces are overweight and in lovely relationships. One couple are supporting each other in losing weight (the other couple are like Laurel and hardy, one curvy and one like a beanpole. Happy, both).