dating at 50+

[Apollo45]

Hi everyone.

What do you think about this situation? I am dating a 56 year old man who has a 35 year old son who (metaphorically) still needs his shoelaces tied by his father? This 56 year old man would do anything at a drop of a hat to tend to his 35 year old son who has a wife and 2 kids (11 and 7) . He would even drop everything to babysit the grandchildren every weekend even though he had just come home from a 10 hour shift work. I haven’t seen him for about 4 weeks and he was moaning at me about working so many hours and not being home. I tried to be encouraging and said that he should look forward to his day off so that he can spend time with his son and grandchildren. He then complained that he only had one day off this week and the next and I assured him that his son and grandchildren always will find a way to see him. He suddenly turned and snapped at me saying that he knows what I am insinuating (which till this day don't know what I have been accused of) and he tells me that family always comes first.

I am 50 and I don’t have my own children.

Any thoughts. please?

Thanks in anticipation.

Perhaps he thought you were being sarcastic?
It sounds like you disapprove of him helping his son, so when you suggested he spend his one day off with his son, it may have sounded like a criticism?

My thoughts are that you should walk away.

Sounds too much like hard work if you've got to censor perfectly reasonable remarks in case he takes offence and snaps at you.

Do you really want to be walking on eggshells around some man you're dating?

Thanks CherrySocks and pigsDOfly for your replies.

Things moved on from the original post. He explained that he thinks he isn't being fair to me because of his work schedule and having so few days off and spending all his days off with family all the time. He says that I do mean something to him and more like he has not got enough time to offer a proper relationship.

I told him that as he seems to be struggling, I now want him to take time on his own to figure out what he really wants and meanwhile I will not contact him cos I don't want him to feel pressured. Once he gets his head round what he wants, he is free to get in touch with me again.

I also said to him that we all manage to find time to do things that are important to us.

CherrySocks and pigsDofly, please don't get me wrong, I am not in any way forcing him to put me first place in his life (hell, no) but I want at least a fighting chance to be able to meet him just once a week even if it's for an hour but he seems not to be able to find the time. By denying me that chance, it hurts me a lot. He has been very good to me initially but the past 4 weeks has been very difficult for me.

It all depends on what you want from a relationship. To see someone once a week for a short while would not work for me.

For him to say that he does not have the time for a proper relationship just tells me he is not actually that bothered. If the connection is there then you make time.

Personally I wouldn't invest the time and effort in this.

It doesn't sound as if you're in any way trying to get him to put you first but if you're in a relationship with someone I think it's reasonable to expect to spend some time with them.

Tbh he doesn't sound as if he is that bothered about making time for you, which is why I think you'd be better off knocking it on the head. Your update seems to confirm that.

My relationship with my exh started like yours, not because he had children or any commitments at all tbh, he just had a fair few hobbies that he prioritised.

Nothing ever changed and after 3 children and many years of marriage I realised that nothing was ever going to change. I, and the children in their turn, were always way down on his list of what was important to him.

Value yourself enough to expect the person you're in a relationship with to value you. You're worth more than a few crumbs of his time.