To not want a tight relationship with my young half sister

[IABUQueen]

Hi all,

So this is a sensitive topic for me.

My parents divorced when I was 16. My mum was the one who chose to leave as my dad was going through severe mental health issues and wasn’t treating himself and it was leading to her being abused. I was very close to my dad but as he started being abusive to my mother and manipulative I cut contact as it was too emotional for me.

He soon moved in with a woman who he lied to (admitted it to me), he lied to and told her that he is still married to my mother (they were still in the process of separation) and that he wants to resolve things with her. The woman moved in with my dad into our family home, which my mum paid for half of or even more.

My father kept sending me emails which I sometimes replied and sometimes not because he was using me to get to my mother. He said things like how he has a daughter from the new woman and how he completely forgot about me and so on. It hurt as I was 16.

Anyway fast forward two years, I resumed contact with my dad. I started visiting every summer. I tried to build a relationship with my baby sister and I honest to god tried to be very kind to my dads wife.. who admits that she got with my dad as a mistress and was hoping we will never show up ever again in my dads life. I was a very passive child with extremely low confidence and wasn’t always trying to please her perhaps she would like me.

Anyway the initial visit I was quite shocked at her behaviour. She quite obviously wanted me to feel uncomfortable. Kicked me and my siblings out of our own family home.. was using our mums clothes as rags for the floor.. and our children’s towels to sweep and clean.. my toys were handed over to her child . All a bit overwhelming to see.. but I was actually a pushover and just cried myself to sleep.. she told us to never come again, that our dad doesn’t love us. I believed her. Never told my dad because she had this personality where she convinced me she was saying things out of love.

Worst of all is she started wearing sexy lingerie Infront of me and my siblings. And when I spoke to her privately about how it made us uncomfortable she said “this is my house I dress how I like”. She would intentionally talk to me about her and dads sex life and I was too naive didn’t know how to respond but be uncomfortable and tell her to please stop but she was adamant. Looking back now this was alll very deliberate.

Fast forward few years, I suffered at her hands much more than this but was tooo naive to realise it was deliberate manipulation. My father was never told by me but he knew I was miserable.

All this time I was always always thinking of my little half sister. How I don’t want to tell my dad because I don’t want them to divorce and my little sister be hurt like I was.

I used to invest so much time doing arts and crafts with her. But as she grew her mum was always always making digs at me through her. My little sister was encouraged to kick me out , talk to me disrespectfully.. and I always behaved in a way where I wanted her to see me as a good example.. but it deeply hurt.

Until the day came when I was reading a story to my sister about lying and she came told me that her mum asked her to lie to my dad about me, something that would really piss my dad off, and so I got in trouble with dad. I confronted her mother and she admitted she was jealous of me because I look like my mum. I told her I don’t trust her anymore and I didn’t deserve her treatment and I finally came to accept that this woman doesn’t want to like me no matter how much I suck up to her.

She had caused a huge rift between me and my dad.. constantly lying to him about me. Neighbours and friends in common warned me because they saw what she did. I was too naive and always gave her the benefit of the doubt because my mother is actually naive and she hates putting down other woman and she used to always dismiss my emotions and tell me that I need to behave well in my father’s house so that I don’t lose him. My mum was a doormat.

Anyway, after I became older and few things happened which made it clear my step mum was using me to get back at my mum and to draw my father to hate me and my mother.. and my dad admitting that he doesn’t have a way with her... I went almost no contact and only see her when I have to.

I didn’t invite her to my wedding abroad because she was vile to me during my engagement.. I live abroad now and my dad comes once a year to visit and I never extend an invite to his wife. I realise it’s generally rude but my father doesn’t dare to ask even because he knows how much he allowed her to hurt me. I’m civil when I see her but I avoid her when possible and my father only comes for 4 days in a year, in which she is constantly keeping him busy.

He isn’t better but since he is my dad I decided to put up with him but not her.

On two occasions my father asked to bring my sister with him.. I offourde said yes.

However the entire visit was my sister (now 10) making digs at me. Exactly learnt from her mother.. undermining me.. and behaving super competitive saying lies to my dad to degrade me Infront of him. I’m more confident now to call her up on it but it wears me down. She keeps bringing up how her mum does things better than me, while she is in my house.. telling me my mum cooks this better than you whatnot. Which is understandable if I was her step mum but I’m not I’m her sister, but her mothers competitive streak making her feel loyal in a weird way.

I know she is a child.. but my father enables her behaviour. Her mother teaches her.

Right now I’m going through a period of prenatal anxiety. I was breaking down and my father called said he wanted to visit. I assumed it’s because of my depression. But once I accepted few days later he told me he wants to bring my sister.

I don’t feel I have the energy for her. I need my father for support and when she is there she is constantly causing me stress.. and my father on the other hand is still angry with my mother, and having my sister with him makes him take it out on me when he feels like it.. he starts putting me down with words to her like “I don’t want u to be like your sister”..

Adding to that, I lost my father when I was 9.. before the divorce he had a severe accident which led to him mentally not being aware for a long time.. so he wasn’t able to be that father for me which is a sensitive subject.. but I’m not petty to take it out on a child. However my father knows and mentions it at times when he has a conscience but he uses my sister to show me what I missed out on whenever he is bizarrely going through a mental episode.

He is mentally unstable.. but I put up with it because he was a good father prior to that incident. But having her there makes me nervous.

I just don’t feel like I want to deal with all the disrespect and digs. And I don’t want to hurt my dad who is depressed and tell him I don’t want to see my sister..

But I don’t love her. I tried to but he and her mum came in the way by teaching her to be a snob with me and to continue the abuse. The good person in me tells me to be her good example but right now I’m pregnant and she isn’t my priority, my mental health is.

I suffered severe and serious panick attacks this pregnancy just thinking about what my dad put me through with his family.

Is there a way for me to not let my dad know that I don’t want my sister coming? Without causing drama ? He is way too dramatic

Frankly I don’t feel ready to see him either but he is a dying old man and I am used to his ugly ways but just don’t want to add more people if I don’t need to

She has never been pulled up on her behaviour towards you by her father, and has been encouraged by her mother.

I know :(. But I’ve accepted now that I’m unable to be the one to change that. If anything perhaps someone from her close circle of aunts and cousins will.. I doubt it. But definately not me because no matter what I did her mum painted me in a bad light and so did my dad. And with her copied abuse, I’m unable to be as loving anymore and so I’m confirming their painted image by being distant..

Ironically however my father and her mother want me to be there for her when dad passes away, I’m financially stable, successful career wise and in life.. and they are counting on me to be “moral” upon my father death and treat her as the orphan she would be and make sure I fill in my father’s shoes. However, they’re exploiting my sense of guilt and loyalty and think they can expect this for free while they encourage her to be rude and continue abuse.. so I’ve worked on my sense of guilt and loyalty and pretty much told my father that I think my sister is copying her mother and he is encouraging both.. I just need to keep repeating that.

She will likely grow up isolated from her sibling arms when her parents have gone she won't have a family to grieve with.

Her mother is much younger than my dad and my mum. So she will probably have her for a while. Once her mother dies, if I’m still alive, I might get a chance. Or she might be old and stuck in her ways... but she definitely won’t need me.

I wish things were different I really do. But I really don’t want to be overwhelmed with guilt and sense of loyalty because it’s drowninr me and distracting me from looking after my own needs.

It’s terrible that I should have to choose between loyalty to an innocent child, and my own sanity. I wish I had an answer to how not to be in this position

But what I will do however is that I don’t want to be selfish. While I want to care to myself and not allow any abuse to reach me through her or anyone, but I also don’t want to contribute into hurting her since she is still a child.

What’s holding me back from confronting my dad about how his behaviour impacted my relationship with her, is that i know if I tell him some home truths he will tell his wife and at moments of being unstable he will tell her or she will tell her... and completely bring it out of context...

She will get the message that I’m an evil half sister who dispises her..

Basically I still want to leave a door open for her in case when she matures she wants to reach out and talk like an adult... I can’t now because I can’t just tell her “your mum is a bitch”. She won’t benefit from that.

I fear that if I do anything my dad will sabotage that open door forever..

To be honest I can’t see my self seeing her as a true sister who I trust and adore in the future.. but I am her really only sister.. and it’s not impossible that she might one day go through a phase where she needs someone to talk to... but definately I can’t see her ever being loyal to me as a sister as it’s down to the mother to make that happen and she did the very opposite.

She does have relatives though so I’m no longer going to try to be her knight in shining armour. As I said, I also don’t love her sadly. I feel care and compassion but I just don’t even like thinking about her. I hope I can move past that some day.. but I don’t think it makes a huge difference to her life that I don’t and I hope when she grows up she remembers how horrible she had treated me, and not just that I was distant.

My last straw was, shamefully, I was around 19... I remember I was sooooo mentally exhausted and confused and depressed staying for a vacation at my dads.. I was desperately crying myself to sleep...

My little sister asked her mum if she can sleep next to me (she was just 5). Her mum didn’t want her to but she insisted and so dad told her to sleep next to me.

To my shock and horror, for the first time in my life ever... I wet myself in bed. It was definately due to my poor mental health at the time.. because that never happened ever again in my life.

My sister was on the same bed but she was far from me. Her sock got a bit wet.. (I know i was too old for that but it happened!).

When I got up in the morning I was sooo ashamed.. I took off her socks and apologised.. I cleaned my own sheets and took the mattress and cleaned it. It was my bed.. I was sooo embarrassed and kept apologising to the mother.

Her mother took her to the side. Told her to tell my dad that she doesn’t like sleeping next to me because I stink. I then got the neighbours daughter (16 yo) telling me how my step mum was telling the neighbours how much she has to endure with me because I’m unclean and wet my bed. Making herself sound like the holy step mum who has to clean my pee.. my little sister was going around her little friends in the neighbourhood who basically I used to tutor and they we’re looking at me with errr innocent disgust. I heard the mother telling her daughter multiple times how she should’ve listened to her and not slept next to me..

What hurt in this situation is both me and my mother knew this was a one off... but I know she capitalised on it to make my sister feel disgusted in her own childish way..

My sister still wanted to sleep next to me after and her mum told her “do u remember you told me you are disgusted”.. she kept bringing it up to her memory over and over..

I mean this is all childish now.. I don’t care and no longer ashamed I wet my bed (well maybe I am a little). I didn’t hold a grudge. But what I did learn is that my step mother will utilise ANYTHING to keep her daughter from forming a healthy bond with me and instead she just wants her to look down on me.

And even if my conscious efforts were there to make form that bond, any human error that happens will be ammunition for her to paint me as a “less than”. While at the same time, toxically competing because I actually have done well in my life and achieved quite a bit .

She complained to me and to dad that I wasn’t teaching her daughter her school subjects “because I was jealous”, yet refused to deal with her daughters direct disrespect to me.. I told her “I would teach her like I teach all the kids, if she respects me like the other kids. And that’s on you”.

So she very much knows the problem but she wants to create a story to avoid responsibility. She doesn’t want to help the situation..

So I am confused. Part of me wants to tell dad everything and pour my heart out. Part of me doesn’t trust him with the truth..

In reality... he will just do what suits him and his wife. So I can’t tell him the real reason I don’t went to host my sister.. and I don’t want to leave room for him to brainwash her further.

Honestly, you need to back away. You don't need to explain why to anyone. Why bother when it won't do any good? But you do need to start breaking that tie you feel towards your father & sister. It's damaging to your emotional health.

You have the absolute right to put yourself first. You need feel no guilt nor any sense of 'responsibility'.

I think you should tell your father not to come.

You're tired and you're going to be vulnerable (pregnant then recovering from birth, sleep deprived, etc). This doesn't sound like a good time to have someone like him around.

Maybe he can visit later, if you feel like you want to see him. But you get to decide whether and when to see him. He's had many chances to be a father to you and didn't take them.

Don't let him guilt trip you about this being his grandchild and wanting to be there and how can you take that away from him... You didn't take this from him. He did.

Hi dad unfortunately I'm not going to extend the invitation to my stepsister at this time I find her disrespectful rude and ignorant this is my home and although I tolerated your wife's behaviour as a child as an adult I'm horrified that you allowed this to happen and I'm not going for round two in MY house

Or something like that then turn your phone off until you want to deal with the fallout

I'm so sorry you have, and continue, to go through this. Your priority now is you and your baby on the way. I know it's difficult to the point it seems impossible but the best thing you can do is go very, very LC with your dad and completely NC with his wife and daughter. No visits from him, just emails that are very light, at the most. And counselling. Lots of counselling.

That woman is vile and will not change. Her daughter is not your responsibility, yours is. You need to step away and focus on yourself. You deserve happiness.

So I went to the midwife yesterday and informed her that I might need counselling for prenatal anxiety and some trauma from the past. I didn’t go through any details at all I just said prenatal anxiety and I’ve been depressed in the past.

She told me I would need to sign a consent form called CAF . I asked her what it involves and she said it’s a collaboration between mental health team and social services so they support me looking after but my kids in case my mental health was making me weak.

Because the midwife was actually rude all along the visit, I was a bit alarmed. I don’t know if it was just her style or if this is standard procedure. I told her I don’t give consent as I’m not informed about this and need to look into it.

Now that I looked into CAF I feel like I don’t need extra stress in my life with social services scrutinising my parenting while I’m asking for personal support.

I have an almost 2 year old, who I have an amazing relationship with and is very well looked after. My husband is supportive. I just feel social services will overwhelm me because of all the horror stories. She said they will have to assess my sons wellbeing and build upon it to see what will happen to my newborn. This doesn’t sound like the help I hoped for.

So what are my options for counselling? .. won’t add to my anxiety?

I feel like I’m forced to put off counselling for a while now because I genuinely think it will add to my stress to have all those agencies scrutinising me..

Is private counselling an option? Away from social services and the hospital. Not sure what the situation is like where you are but I know you need to talk to someone if possible. You should not feel guilt from walking away. All 3 of them are toxic.

Does private counsellor have an obligation to report to social services? I do have that option through DHs work place.

Like if I told them I suffered emotional neglect and abuse would they extrapolate and think they need to check on my kids that I’m providing the emotional support they need? Do they have that obligation ?

They have nothing to worry about in that regard and I’m seeking support as much as possible, I just don’t want them to be watching me for every small mistake and being judgemental and hyper alert.

Not that it isn’t good to get support but it will have the opposite effect on me as It will overwhelm me and make me constantly on my toes.

Why did you ask your midwife for counselling? This is not an issue related to your pregnancy or your child... seems odd to bring your midwife into it.

Just cut them off. Speak to your dad if you like, but he wasn't much of a dad- he abused you and was complicit in your abuse at the hands of others, so i cant really see what you get out of having a relationship with him. Ignore your stepmother and stepsister - they are broken people who bring nothing to your life. For goodness' sake do NOT be guilted into "looking after" them after your dad dies.

Get yourself some private counselling if you think it will help. Cut ties with your awful abusive family. Focus on the future, on being the best possible mum you can be to your lovely children.

funny as I mentioned in going through prenatal anxiety as these issues from the past usually become more emotional during pregnancy. They have been constantly asking as part of the standard procedure whether I suffered depression in the past and that there are therapy available for pregnant ladies as priority so I thought it’s an opportunity.

These issues usually contribute to postnatal depression and so it is related.

However yes I think I’d rather go private.

So sorry to read this! I agree with previous posters and would go no contact with the lot of them. You owe them nothing. You’ve tried your absolute hardest and being slated in the process and now it’s time to think about yourself and your health. Block the lot of them you’re worth so much more

Sorry to be a pain but, I feel I need some therapy to be able to sort out my guilt/sense of responsibility towards my dad as it’s been a cycle ever since I remember.

It looks like the obvious solution from the outside and I totally agree and would probably say the same to a friend. But so much emotions sometimes come in the way. I’m hoping counselling will help unpick those.

Just need help trusting that counselling won’t backfire and invite unneeded scrutiny into my new family. Which is everything I have so fiercely protective of.

There is absolutely nothing in what you are saying that would suggest a counsellor should contact social services. This is about your relationship with your dad, his wife and their daughter. Your children are not in danger. Again, not it sure what the situation is like where you are but where I am (Australia), a private counsellor would not bring this to the attention of any social services.

Does private counsellor have an obligation to report to social services?

No, @IABUQueen. Not unless they fear for your children’s safety, which they have no need to do. Your Midwife is not the person to speak to about counselling and with respect, I don’t think “prenatal anxiety” is your problem. Your problem is that your Father and Stepmother are abusive and your Mum enabled and minimised their abuse of you.

It sounds like you have completely reasonable anxiety and possibly complex PTSD as a result of an abusive upbringing.

The person you need to speak to is your GP. Write down the basic facts that you are suffering from severe anxiety as a result of years of abuse by your Father and Stepmother and that you feel very strongly that you need counselling. Your Midwife was wrong, there is no need for SS involvement at this stage.

This is a very complex issue but in a nutshell, you need to cut all contact with your Father, StepMother and for now, your half sister. This is setting boundaries to protect your mental health and allow you to focus on yourself and your pregnancy. It’s very important that you understand these things:

This is self-CARE and self-PROTECTION. You have to be your own parent now and care for yourself just as you would your child.

It is NOT SELFISH. You have been trained to believe your emotional needs are not important. They are. None of this is your fault. Be the parent to yourself and your baby that you parents weren’t to you.

Your family has abused you. Just because it’s “only” emotional abuse, it’s still abuse. Your Stepmother is programming her dd to do her dirty work and in that respect, the dd is also being emotionally abused. When you are stronger and better you could chat to the NSPCC about her but for now, concentrate on protecting yourself.

Your Father may be a “dying old man” but he’s an abuser and enabler. Had he sexually abused you, or allowed your Stepmother to sexually abuse you, my guess is that you would find it easier to cut contact and you’d feel less guilty. But abuse is abuse; it’s not a competition.

If you don’t feel strong enough to be honest and tell your Father WHY you don’t want to see him and your half sister, you could simply say that you’re not well enough for this year’s visit and have been told to rest. Then simply phase out the contact and keep postponing the visit. When you get counselling you will gradually get stronger but for now, just cancel them both.

Remember - self care, self protection, setting boundaries = necessary. Not selfish.

Jamie

I think you are right it might be complex PTSD. Thanks for your words it makes a lot of sense.

I think what it is, I am pregnant with a girl and so the only familiar thing I have to refer back to in terms of what I expect form parenting the girl is my relationship with my parents and how it felt like growing up...

And so pregnancy is bringing back intense memories that I tried to move passed... and suppressed.. about how hurt I actually was as a child... and I feel I need to heal myself so I can have a positive understanding oh what it’s like to grow up in a healthy family as a little girl and hopefully provide that for my daughter.

Perhaps these feelings of anxiety will go away once I meet my daughter and let her paint her own reality.. and not have to fall back on my own experiences.

So I guess you are right it was sounding like prenatal anxiety to me, but it is perhaps ptsd which is being brought back to me.

It’s really helping me processing it all.. and identifying the cause of my emotional triggers..

Helps me reclaim perspective and hopefully take action.

I’m so grateful to all of your responses.

I have a dd and am no contact with my abusive mother (and with my enabling father as she made him choose me or her). Now my dd is growing up I’m finding it odd as I have no frame of reference for a young woman being allowed to grow up and become an adult. I’m still having counselling and working through my CPTSD - it’s a long journey but it’s so worth it. My life is so peaceful now without my mother in it.

You sound lovely and I am sure you will be a wonderful Mum because you will value your child/ren and love them - even if you don’t always like their behaviour! ☺️ Counselling, lots of it, maybe followed by CBT or EMDR down the line, will all help.

You deserve a life without abusive family members.

Now my dd is growing up I’m finding it odd as I have no frame of reference for a young woman being allowed to grow up and become an adult.

That’s the word. I’m anxious that I have no frame of reference of how to be the good parent I want to be. I feel I’m working things out from first principles.

Thanks for sharing your experience. This is weirdly in a way helping me bond with my baby girl in my womb. I feel like I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone because I believe I can be that parent I want to be. This is giving me hope . She will be my sunshine.

I agree that you are being far too generous to your father by continuing having him in your life. Generous, or erm, in the nicest possible way... brainwashed! Time to let go I think? For your own wellbeing, and the future of your own little family?

And yes great idea to seek counselling, shame the midwife wasn’t more helpful and just signposted you to a service which didn’t fit your situation, and felt scary too x

I had counselling with a new born. No ss involvement, as it wasn’t necessary because I was the one going through a lot, that had been churned up by being pregnant, but it didn’t interfere with my relationship with my baby etc.

Yes Well I’ve come to the realisation my father had been manipulating me from an early age. And it’s my normal. Been making big improvements though but yet to reach a healthy place.

The midwife had no concerned over my parenting because I literally just mentioned two sentences saying prenatal anxiety and had depression in previous pregnancy so plz find me help. That’s all. So might try something else

No offence to anyone in health services/social services but I think we've all seen too many exposes of the nightmare situations parents & children have been put in because of blinkered/limited people in these profession who have destroyed lives.
If you can avoid them & being force into "the system" then do so.
You don't need your problems being added too.

Your father had a serious head injury & it's entirely possible that this has been affecting his relationships/responded in his subsequent life. He isn't responsible for being brain damaged. If you want to see your father on his own before he dies then do it. It may help you & if it doesn't then have the strength to not let it derail your life. Your half sister is a brat of the first order, regardless of how she got there, and is primarily the product of her mother. Personally I'd have nothing to do with her.