Long story short a few years ago dp and I both lost immediate family members - I lost my stepdad and my grandmother who had raised me. he lost his father and he took this a lot worse than I did falling deep into depression.
I focused my attention on trying to support him and in the midst of that I lost myself I guess, I had no support from him even though I was grieving. and for the last few years resentment has built up massively on my part - not to add to him giving up work, going back to uni to study art and leaving all the bills to me. we also have a 6 yr old son and he rarely does anything with him, he used to do a lot more but these days all he wants to do is show him he's in charge by shouting or punishing him for various things I dont feel is necessary.
It hit me the other week that the reason I feel so sad is immuring the person he was. I work full time, I do the majority of the housework (we've argued so much about his lack of duties around the place), I am responsible for the majority of the childcare also. his stuff always seems to take priority. He refuses to see a dr, or take anti depressants even though I think they could help, to be honest i've been trying for 5 years and im at the point I just cant be bothered anymore - yet he sees it as we just need to spend more time together, I can barely sit in the same room as him these days.
It's hit me now more than ever I need to break free and start getting my life back - yet I feel so sad about all of this, it's not the way It was supposed to be at all, I imagine me on holiday with ds just us 2 and get so sad because he should have his dad there - except his dad is no longer his dad, he's someone I don't even recognise these days. I love him as a friend but i've told him i'm not in love With him, again he says we need to start doing more things together.
I guess what i'm asking is how do I accept my life isn't gonna be the way I thought it would - i'm having such a hard time with this, we've been together 18 years, were both miserable and I feel like were both just waiting for the other to say what we both know. I just need a wake up call I think.