Can people really change?

[paradiseisl22]

Not really an aibu just want advice.

So throughout our 2 year relationship ive caught my partner messaging girls some quite honestly discusting messages.

Atleast 7/8 times the most recent was about 2 months ago. Asking girls to have sex ect and calling them sexy and babe stuff along them lines.

Im currently 6 weeks pregnant i found out just after the last time he done it.

I have major trust issues right now. Since hes found out about the baby its like hes a changed man.

Can people really change?

Over a period of months? No.
Years? Maybe - it depends.

Ensure you know that his behaviour is genuine - it could all be an act to manipulate you into trusting him (not saying it is, however, as I couldn't possibly say).

Best of luck with your pregnancy x

throughout our 2 year relationship

Your instincts, which are giving you "trust issues", are not wrong.

He asks girls - randoms? girls he knows? - to have sex...

Consider long and hard if you want to go ahead and have a child with this man. It's an 18-year+ commitment for you, and longer for your child.

Some people can change, most don’t.
Listen to your instincts and prioritise yourself.

Nosquirrels Both hes only recently deleted his pof account since april. Also the girls he already has on social media.

Its hard it was his idea to plan for a baby. So confused tbh

Zippyx about 4 times this year ive caught him.

Also thankyou!!

People can certainly change. However it doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't sound like your man has changed at all if you've caught him 4 times this year already.

Beechview Thats some needed advice. Wise words.

People change only if they want to. Its actions not words also. You will see in time if this is so. Congratulations on baby!

it was his idea to plan for a baby
You have many choices. None of them are wrong, you just need to decide what is best for you, right now.

I'll tell you about me, because I don't know about you. I would terminate - I do not regret the termination I had at the time in my life when neither the father or I would have been equipped to parent.
And if someone I was with was messaging other girls every other month (4 times this year! And we're only in July!) then I would dump him.

Ask yourself - if he keeps messaging other girls now, what will the strain of a newborn baby do to your relationship? Does he sound like the guy that will stick by you through thick and thin?

If not, look for a guy who will.

Loads of kids have deadbeat dads. Loads of women wish they'd realised soon enough.

Only if they really, genuinely, want to off their own bat. And then it takes a lot of concerted effort over time, usually with relapses along the way. How long do you want to wait for the change?

People can change and I'm a believer in second chances, but he's messaged girls SEVERAL times in the space of just 2 years I just don't think I could trust him tbh. If I was in your shoes I would terminate as well, it's v. early days in your pregnancy.

Nosquirrels Do you have any regrets about the termination? Im quite stable and i work and own my own home i could do it by myself it would be hard though.

I’m afraid I think that you need to seriously consider the advice that NoSquirrels gives.

sometimes situations change that affects someone's behavior.
a stressed mom can become less stressed when money issues resolves,
an negative man can become happier with a job that suits him better.

from what you've said i suspect he has his accounts hidden and things will only become worse because honestly, i've never heard of a baby making things better.

Nosquirrels Do you have any regrets about the termination? Im quite stable and i work and own my own home i could do it by myself it would be hard though.

No. None.
I dare say I’d have coped.
I dare say he’d have coped.
We wouldn’t have been bringing a child into a stable living situation, though.

Do you want to bring up a child with someone you don’t trust?

Trust is everything, really. In relationships, what have you got if you don’t trust one another?

Even if you’re not together, he’ll still be that child’s father, and you’ll be taking that on.

For me, I would not. You might feel differently, and that’s OK. But I feel no guilt. I made my best decision on the information available at the time.

Listen to NoSquirrels advice. If you have a baby with this man you will be tied to him in one form or another for the rest of your life. Your children will have him as their role model. I had a termination when I was younger and I have never, ever regretted it. Obviously, only you can decide what to do but think long and hard. If he's cheating now things are likely to get much worse once you've got a baby.

So you decided to plan a baby with a man who has attempted to cheat on you several times this year?

Good idea.

It was his idea to plan and you went along with it even though he's a serial cheat and you've only been together 2 years?

I'm afraid I'm with @NoSquirrels

You deserve SO much better.

And so does any child you choose to have.

I think it’s very rare for people who have shown a pattern of behaviour like your partner has to change. You say he’s a changed man, but it’s only been 6 weeks. He is nowhere near proving that he has changed for good.

If you proceed with this pregnancy, I think you need to do so in the full expectation that you and your partner will break up. He’s shown he can’t be faithful to you when things are easy. I don’t believe he will be faithful once you have the strain of a new baby.

I think you have to decide whether you are willing to go it alone as a single parent, and to think about how that will work from a practical perspective. Can you afford it, do you have a support network, do you own your home / is your name on the lease etc.

Please don’t proceed on the assumption that your ex has changed and will be a brilliant partner and dad from now on. It’s really unlikely, and you have to be prepared for the alternative.

This man is not your partner, he's just a person on your life currently.
No partner spends the duration of their relationship texting filth to other women. You deserve a million times more respect than this.
I unfortunately agree with people suggesting looking into your options with regards to the pregnancy. It's telling that be was the one encouraging this pregnancy, perhaps to keep you in your place and trapped, perhaps thinking you'd be happy to put up with this terrible behaviour if you're having/have a child.

This is your child's role model and your support while pregnant and a new parent which is the hardest time in a woman's life. You really need someone committed at the bare minimum.

Would be interested to see how old you are. I could understand perhaps you being more hesitant in termination if you were 45 and this was a last chance but even then I'd be wary.

To echo other's, I had a termination early 20's. Never regretted it. Now have dc with supportive DH and much more stable life/role model.
This doesn't have to be your life in it's current situation. Get out. You'll find someone so much better.

I'd have a full std test, rethink my pregnancy and bin the toxic arsehole. Why do people get pregnant with consistent cheaters. He is a disgusting man and you'll be well rid, it's time to put your boundary fence up & put razor wire on top.

Do the freedom programme and reset your boundaries, you should have dumped him the first time it happened. You've now put yourself & the unborn child at serious risk of an std.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/