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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagreed pregnancy

34 replies

karzard · 24/07/2019 23:07

Im pregnant early days 7 weeks. Yet my family specifically my Grandmother doesnt agree with this at all.

She hasnt got the chance to know my partner. Im aware shes mostly heard the bad bits and our ups and downs but throughout everything for the past year or so hes been the only person there for me. She messages me when she pleases and i can be waiting 2 or more days for a reply anyway.

I feel pressured as she said " If i have this baby dont contact her again"

My response its my body and abortions arent taken lightly by me as my close auntie can not concieve.

I want this child and me and my partner are better than ever.

She would most definately not speak to me though atleast for a couple years but doesnt really bother with me much when i have issues anyway.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 25/07/2019 00:38

I'm another one who thinks that possibly both you and your grandmother have a point. She's wrong to threaten to cut contact if you go ahead with the pregnancy; of course she is, because it's not up to her. And it doesn't sound like she's been the greatest gran in the world prior to this, either.
However, it's possible that your partner is a wanker and will either mistreat you or fuck off. But, again, that's your business: you can have the baby and dump the man: you won't be the first or the last to pick a wanker to get pregnant by, and plenty of single mums raise happy, healthy children and enjoy their own lives. Do what feels right for you.

moxford · 25/07/2019 01:02

Firstly, Congratulations, I hope your pregnancy is going well and that you're feeling ok. I haven't read every single response on here but I wanted to put my ten pence in cause I had a similar situation not that long ago and now I have hindsight, I think I can help.

I was 19 when I fell pregnant and only six years prior had I watched my older sister suffer a still birth and I was the only one who took care of her, I was 13. What my sister went through, seeing my niece and burying her, taking care of my sister in the aftermath was extremely traumatic and is part of my PTSD. I am pro-choice but I don't see myself as having a choice because I know full well that my mother and sister are against abortion and loosing my niece heavily impacted my decision to keep my son. I often say that I had him for my sister, not for me, not literally because I raise him but I had him in honour of the daughter she lost. So, in essence re: your aunt, I understand where you are coming from 100%.

However, in hindsight, which is a wonderful thing, I agree with a few posters who have said that your aunt's predicament should not impact your decision. It is honourable, yes, but you cannot take the baby back, there is no refund. You have to be sure. You have to take your aunt out of your decision making process.

If I had truly thought it all through, even then I knew, I would have considered it more than I did at the time. I was stuck in an abusive relationship that was only seven months in. I put up with him for our son for several years later but eventually I gave him back his ring and I left. He is still driving me up the wall now, I am stuck with him, even though we aren't together, we still have to deal with one another for our son. Its volatile, exhausting and controlling. If your partner is any of these things, I urge you to think about it carefully. It's not just you that it will affect, its your baby and everyone around you. My nine year old gets upset that his dad takes money and doesn't pay it back, that he wont pay maintenance, that he breaks promises all of time. Kids are smart and you cannot hide it.

RE: Grandmother. It's harsh and unfair but her extreme reaction actually might be because she cares about you. Now, an ultimatum is not the right way to show it. At the end of the day, this is your body, your choice, not your aunt's, not your Grandmother's. Choose wisely.

An alternative, it is hard but you can do it, is to be a single parent if it all goes wrong even before the baby is born or after. It sucks but you can do it. I would also advise to do everything by the book, put him through CSA, go through mediation and the courts, otherwise you are up poo creek without a paddle, like me!

TwistyTop · 25/07/2019 01:47

OP can have whatever reasons she wants for not getting an abortion. It's really out of order to criticise that. It's entirely up to her whether or not she considers abortion a viable option, and if she doesn't think it is then it's very wrong to poke holes in her reasoning. She is the one who would have to live with that decision for the rest of her life, nobody else.

moxford · 25/07/2019 02:11

I'm not sure who you are yelling at here TwistyTop....if it was me then I'm not sure you read it properly. I'm saying that with hindsight, having been in a similar situation, minus the gran part, that its important to make the decision purely for yourself, not for anyone else. It is a valid reason to keep a pregnancy when people you love have suffered losses or struggle, that's my reason, but I wish I could have detached that pain and guilt from my decision making process, then I could 100% say I had my baby for me, not for anyone else and not feel like my sacrifices were in vain. I think its tricky to grasp if you haven't been there but I was trying to help by playing devil's advocate.

Purpleartichoke · 25/07/2019 02:16

It’s not wrong for your grandmother to be worried. You are not choosing an easy path. All you can do is show her you can handle this by handling it. Keep your petty arguments to yourself, keep yourself financially solvent, and be the best mother you can be.

Italiangreyhound · 25/07/2019 02:20

karzard "I want this baby more than anything. I also want her to be apart of the childs life. She hasnt always been the best grandmother but the fact to cut off contact because im pregnant is absolutely heart breaking."

If she chooses to cut contact with you because of this then I would simply accept that she is a manipulative person and not someone I would want in the life of my child.

I do understand she took you in when no one else would but you also say she was not very good at looking after you.

I think in your shoes I would focus on your new family, you, your partner and your baby. Build the future for your child. You've chosen to have a baby pretty young and i wonder if this is because of a desire for stability and to create family?

In your shoes I would also look into some counselling, you have had a lot of loss in your young life, I wonder if you have ever had any help to process this loss?

Bless you and your baby, please look out for yourself and your baby.

Your grandmother pressuring you to have an abortion is really deeply unpleasant to me, and I sincerely hope you will do exactly what you want, you are an adult now and you can decide.

Thanks
1forAll74 · 25/07/2019 03:44

It's not going to do any good,you worrying about your Grandmothers views on your pregnancy etc. Some older people have their own steadfast views ,and can get stroppy about things. But further along the line,I am sure your Grandmother will change when a baby appears.. and she can see that you are happy.

Cano · 25/07/2019 04:23

If you really want this baby and have an abortion you will regret it for the rest of your life. Maybe this is a lesson for you OP, to not be swayed by other people’s opinions. Do what is right your you.

VivienneHolt · 25/07/2019 06:55

I can also see why your grandmother is concerned but that doesn’t excuse her dramatics and emotional blackmail.

You have to choose what’s right for you and leave it to her to come round in her own time, I think.

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