Disagreeing on when to tell people about pregnancy following miscarriage

[JaneGlorianaVillaneuva]

I have today found out I'm pregnant. This is good news, and all being well this will be our second child. First conceived naturally, but unexpectedly after fertility issues and a long time trying, and we had a miscarriage earlier this year at 10 weeks. The loss hit us hard, and means that this current pregnancy comes with anxieties as well as relief in conceiving.

My question is around telling other people about this pregnancy. My husband and I had a discussion this morning and we disagree. Perhaps neither of us is being unreasonable, but I'd be interested to hear your opinions.

I would like to tell a few close friends about this pregnancy, the same ones who supported me through the miscarriage. I don't see the point of waiting, as I needed support then. Should the worst happen again it feels like it would be too big a thing for me to pretend it wasn't happening - I don't think I could have gotten through the previous miscarriage without support from friends. In fact, my reasoning for telling friends now is to be able to talk about the strange mix of feelings this positive pregnancy test has brought about (relief, cautious optimism, anxiety, grief).

My husband has today told me how very very uncomfortable he felt having any conversations about our previous loss. He doesn't want to be in the same situation again, and has asked that I don't tell anyone about this pregnancy just now. He can't put a timeline on when he might feel comfortable, but (fairly) says that we only found out today, so he at least needs time to digest the news. He thinks weeks rather than days. He is quite negative about the pregnancy in that he is only feeling anxious, not even relief at conception like I am.

I think I can see where he's coming from, but unfortunately we're just quite different and I need to talk things through (hence me being on here!). He really doesn't want to talk about this even with me, which leaves me feeling quite isolated and disappointed that there seem to be only negative emotions linked with this much-wanted pregnancy. I don't want to "spread the good news", but i would like to talk through these confusing emotions with close friends.

I wondered if anyone had similar experiences with differing opinions on when you tell anyone about a pregnancy outside of you and your partner?

Oh dear, that's a difficult one.

When I had my mc i really didn't have anyone to support me apart from my DH and my mum (who lives in a different country) and it was really really hard to get through. Can you tell a couple of them discreetly (with your DHs knowledge) and tell them that he absolutely doesn't want to talk about it. I'm assuming you'll be able to trust them.

I’m in the same situation OP. I’ve had two miscarriages since January. I’m pregnant for the third time and found out last week Friday.

My DH doesn’t want to tell anyone at all. I would like to tell a close friend at least.

I have been so anxious and so down about everything that we’ve been through, part of me just wishes I could switch off from thinking about it, at least for now. I’m trying to remain relaxed!

As for the telling people, I’m not sure I have the answer, but congrats and good luck!

Honestly I think in this situation your needs have to trump his. You need the support of your friends and that’s what you should have.

congratulations

I think that as you would be the one to physically experience a loss that you get to decide

it's hard, no one is right or wrong here.

You can only compromise: you only tell one or 2 of YOUR very close friends. There's no need for them to have conversations with your DH about your previous loss or your pregnancy.

You are allowed support from your friends, he's allowed his privacy.

Some people are really worried about jinxing things, and prefer to ignore everything for as long as possible.

If you really really can't agree on this or compromise then i'm afraid it comes down to who's actual body is pregnant and who is going to have to cope with the hard facts of going through a (nother) loss. Pain, blood, hormones ect.

If you feel you need other woman's support in your life at this time then ultimately that does override your DHs (perfectly understandable) wishes.

Thank you, all. It really is a tricky one, compromise simply doesn't work.

@Marmitepeanutbutterandhoney congratulations and best of luck with your pregnancy, and I'm so sorry to you and others who have experienced miscarriages.

I did say to my husband this morning that if we were to lose this baby, at that point I think I would have to tell at least a couple of friends for support.

I have agreed for now to keep it between us, and to tell him if that becomes difficult for me. He has asked that if I do tell anyone that I keep it to low numbers, and let him know who knows.

He doesn't know how much I needed to talk about our miscarriage to process it. Most of that talking wasn't with him, sadly.

I realise I just wrote "there is no compromise" and cross-posted with suggested compromise!! Sorry!

I could tell friends who don't really cross paths with my husband. I mean, I could tell people and not tell him that I had but it seems a bit underhanded.

I’m sorry I think the person carrying the child gets to call the shots on this one.

If he doesn’t want to tell anyone, then he doesn’t have to. Or he can tell them, and say he’s really not ready to talk about it yet. You tell who you want and have that backstop there if you need it.

I think you need to talk to him again. Tell him you need an outside person to talk to about your worries as he’s too close to it. It’s really really unfair of him to say you can’t tell anyone because he doesn’t want to have a possibly difficult conversation. He’s a grown man. He should be able to tell people when he’d rather not talk about it.

My personal take is you tell those who you would tell you had a miscarriage

He can only control who he tells - it’s unreasonable of him to think he has any control over who you tell, especially when it’s you having to physically deal with it. If he doesn’t need or want to talk about it, that’s his prerogative.

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss .

I don’t think either of you are wrong or unreasonable. I had two missed miscarriages discovered at the 12 week scan and after both of those I did not tell anyone about the pregnancy with my DS until I was 14 weeks. I just didn’t want to even accept the pregnancy in all honesty, the last thing I wanted was to discuss it with anyone. I completely understand your DH’s perspective, the conversations are completely uncomfortable for some people.

I understand yours too. You only want to tell people who would support you if you miscarry again. I think maybe tell them but with the caveat they don’t mention it to your DH because he is uncomfortable discussing it.

Id talk about telling one or two select people next week because you need support.
I am so sorry for your loss. My pregnancy after a loss was an anxious one worked out wonderfully in the end. I hope your pregnancy does too..

I think you should wait a few days but then if you want to talk about it with a couple of carefully chosen friends, that's up to you. Sometimes there's a strong need to talk about things but at the same time you have to respect his wishes as the news concerns both of you.

I would keep it to 2 people, who are your friends rather than his and who don't know your other friends (or who can at least be trusted to keep it to themselves). That way his privacy can be preserved. Obviously don't tell anyone from either of your families. I don't think it's on to tell joint friends or allow his friends to find out until he's ready.

Can you get in touch with a counsellor attached to your maternity department? This helped me come to terms with my losses with someone objective & empathetic, whilst also acknowledging thoughts & feelings attached to a new pregnancy. Speak to your dr or call the ante Natal clinic.
I told a close friend very early on for support. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to do this, I'm sure your partner would rather that than you feeling super anxious and alone with your thoughts.
Congratulations by the way, all the best x

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words, and for sharing your experiences. It's very helpful. So sorry for those who have mentioned your own losses. I have found it so helpful to talk to and hear from people who have been through similar experiences.

I did this and at the time I felt pressured but I didn't compromise. At the time due to this pressure I felt I handled it badly.
Looking back I'm glad I protected myself.

After numerous miscarriages I had a risky pregnancy that did progress.

Apart from the obvious people in immediate contact in my life the majority of friends and family found out by the birth announcement I posted.

I lost contact with a few friends who though they should have been told.

I just couldn't bring myself to state publicly that I was pregnant when I could have lost her at any time as I had complications and was in hospitalised often.

Do whatever you need to do. It's your mental health that matters.

I told people fairly early on after I was pregnant following a previous miscarriage.

When I had my mc I'd not told anyone I was pregnant. However, I needed time off work, had a couple of hospital appointments and felt pretty down and sad. Although I had support I needed some others to know, to support me and to understand what was happening, it was hard to tell people after the mc that I'd been pregnant and now wasn't.

So, when I was pregnant I did tell the people closest to me. They were then aware and knew that I was a little worried and nervous, etc. I was also being sick several times a day so it was hard to hide anyway.

Dh agreed that as it was me who was pregnant that it should be my choice, which he supported fully.

I didn’t tell anyone other than do until after my 12 week scan for any of my 4 kids. Twice I told my parents as they had come to stay with us for a month and I couldn’t drink etc..otherwise nobody. I was extremely fortunate never to miscarry but I’m superstitious and wanted to make sure things were ok (as ok as they can be) before telling anyone. I couldn’t leave it until much later as I put on weight quickly and it became obvious...

Good luck with your pregnancy!

I think it's your body and your husband doesn't get to say who you talk about your personal stuff with. It is you who is pregnant not him.

I was in a very similar situation to you (and now have a gorgeous 10 month old!) as others have said there is no right and wrong. I chose to tell a close friend who had supported me and had also been through similar, my boss and line manager who I knew would support me and both sets of parents (would have struggled to hide it from them anyway due to severe sickness!) and for me it really helped. I said my husband was free to tell a friend if he needed to. I can see your husbands point of view as well though so it is a decision I feel you should make together after more talking. Good luck with your pregnancy I hope it all goes smoothly

I kept it pretty quiet until 12 week scan following a couple of miscarriages. I worked on the principle of only telling people I would be happy also telling them if I miscarried. So basically my dh, my mum and 2 close work colleagues.

First of all I’m sorry for your previous loss.

I have been in a similar position, mc following fertility issues then fell pregnant soon after. I think you need to prioritise your mental health and tell some close friends for support. I really struggled with anxiety in my pregnancy and relied upon my DH, parents and two close friends for support. After the 12 week scan I was still scared to tell people- I didn’t tell most people until I’d reached 6 months (v small bump so wasn’t obvious). Looking back, I now realise how bad my anxiety was, it stopped me enjoying pregnancy but those people I’d confided in were a massive support to me.

Your husband is likely scared too but please prioritise your feelings.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I wish you all the best.