AIBU with friends’ lack of response to DH’s illness

[singswithitsfingers]

Long time lurker, first time poster. My DH was diagnosed last year with a neurodegenarative disease. Not motor neurone but something similar. He is doing ok and most people have been very supportive. When telling friends about it, I’ve tried to let them know about the situation in person when I see them. Clearly this isn’t always possible as there are people we don’t see that often due to distance. Recently I have told three different friends about his illness over email or what’s up. And none of them have responded, although I know they have read the messages. And in all cases, it was in response to a specific question from them (eg. Why are you running a half marathon for neuro charity or Why are you not able to do such and such an activity?). So not just me announcing his illness and expecting sympathy.

AIBU to think their lack of response is rather rubbish?

Neurodegenerative - sorry...

It is. But some people don't know what to say, so say nothing. Others are egoists and don't want to trouble themselves. Only friends in the Spring, alone in Winter.

YANBU.

Sorry that you and DH are going through this. I found some friends to be utterly rubbish when DH was diagnosed with cancer last year. And then some were more supportive than I'd expected.

I get that people might say they don't know what to say but even explaining that is better than deafening silence.

I don't know these particular friends, mayve one or more of them are researching a bit what your husband's condition could mean before replying. But if they just don't reply at all then concentrate on you, DH and those people who can support you. 💐

YANBU - that's really odd.

Are they good close friends of yours? How long have you known them?

Thank you all for responding. They are all people i have known for over 20 years! That is what makes it so odd. (Although I don’t see them very often). I guess I was just surprised that this has happened three times in the last month. I don’t understand why grown adults (over 40) can’t just respond with ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘ how is DH?’ Or ‘sorry i don’t know what to say’, which would be my default.
hitthefloor sorry to hear that and hope your DH is doing ok.

You really don't find out who your friends are until things like this happen. My husband was seriously ill in the last 12 months and a lot of "good friends" weren't in touch at all.

They are probably unsure of what to say, maybe have read the email and mulling it over before replying, it’s a very sensitive time for you and they maybe don’t want to bother you.

I've been having an issue with my right leg for a few months together with a waterworks issue. Some days slight discomfort, other days pain and on those day by tea time I'm absolutely done it. Sometimes it's caused me to limp and look worn out. I was at an event four weeks ago and sat next to my best friend. I've had scans and discovered exactly what's going on and will be having an operation. They've also found a lump. There's the potential for it to be quite serious but in the meantime I'm not feeling great. I told my best friend this. I may as well have told her I was having new double glazing fitted. She's not even asked since how I am.

So I sympathise entirely OP.

It is poor,but IME people don't know how to react. People either avoided me, or never mentioned it when my Dad had a terminal brain tumour.I was 19 & numb with shock. I'm so sorry you & DH are going thru this & haven't received much support from friends. Doing charity runs for the illness is amazing of you. Best wishes for you both.

Thank you all for your replies.

shatners so sorry about your situation with your friend. That puts mine right in perspective. I hope she/he comes round and that you have other people in your life who will support you.

CSI thank you. Sorry to hear about your situation.

match thank you but they have actually had about a month to reply

Thank you MN for your kindness

Having had someone very close to me become suddenly ill a few years ago, I do sympathise. I was shocked how rubbish most ‘friends’ were...today i have fewer friends and the whole experience has made me very skeptical of people. What you will find is that people are unbelievable selfish and self-centred. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this

OP I've found generally through life that very often, the people we regard as our closest friends are less supportive then we expect them to be, and it's people we don't know half as well who suddenly turn out to be the wonderful dependable ones. And of course, the closest friends who let us are down are the ones we've always been there when the shoe has been on the other foot.

Another one who empathise. When DP was diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago, I found out very sheepish who was there and who wasn't. Unfortunately it does have a lasting impact on your friendship and as a result a lot of people who were a big part of our lives prior to the cancer aren't anymore. Sending you hugs, focus on the people who are there and not on the people who aren't. You have enough to worry about without them making you feel even more shitty xxx