Aibu to be confused about child's counselling sessions

[Loudlady34]

Hi there looking for advice from anyone who's experienced counselling sessions for their child.
We were seeing cahms a while back for adhd / autism assessment. They have discharged my 8 year old with no diagnosis. They then referred us to a local mental health charity to do some counselling sessions with him around anxiety as they think this causes alot of the behaviours he exhibits.
We went for the first time yesterday, it's once a week for an hour. The man came and got my son and wouldn't allow me in with him (kind of understand this), son was scared and even more anxious.
Came out of the session, handed him back to me and left. I know it's all confidential but how do i know what they are focusing on with him?I haven't been able to speak to them at all. He has some very specific issues that id like to be worked on, and the counsellor isn't aware. My son also doesn't realise he has any issues, they are behaviours that he can't control that we want to get to the bottom of. Any advice as i really don't want to take him back but don't even know if I'm allowed

My son has had two courses of counselling over the past two years. I've never been told what they talk about, unless my son told me himself.

Ds was nervous on his first session obviously but he built a great relationship with his counsellor that after a few sessions he came out smiling. He looked forward to the sessions in the end and was sad they needed

But how do i know if they are useful or what they are even about when they haven't asked me why we need them?

They talk to him, about what he needs to talk about. They have his notes, they know that he has been referred after an ADHD/Autism assessment for anxiety. They will build a relationship with him, talk to him about the things he needs to talk about, it's very child-led. That's how it works.

It can be jarring as a parent not to get a full debrief, but this is how counselling works best. They are there to help your son find better ways to deal with things and learn how to cope, led by him, not to fix specific issues or further your teachings.

Don't pull him out. Keep going, see if it helps. Give it a good few weeks, and if at that point he doesn't want to go and you're not seeing a benefit, see if you can get a meeting there to debrief.

Ds2 had 6 months of play therapy last year, linked to various issues mostly around anxiety. Before he first met the counsellor she met we me and we talked about what I felt the issues were, and what sort of therapy might be appropriate for ds2 (we chose drama). Then he had 6 sessions and I'd meet the counseller again to talk about how things were going, strategies we could try at home etc. Everything he said in sessions was confidential unless he agreed for it to be shared but I did have updates on what they were exploring throughout.

DS1 has had a couple of courses of counselling accessed through CAMHS and school and they've been incredible for him. It was hard initially, accepting that this was something I had no part in aside from getting him there each week, but the end results have been huge.

You can ask for a review at the end to see how/where you can help continue supporting your son, and to review how your son is coping with the support.

There are lots of different models of therapy for children.. some just involve the therapist and child, and some involve tue parent. there is a lot of good research evidence that the more you involve the parent in work with child anxiety the better but it does depend on the therapist's model and orientation what approach they use.. Maybe ask the therapist for a separate meeting or phone call to tell you a bit more about how they work and to talk with them about your concerns about your child.

But how do i know if they are useful or what they are even about when they haven't asked me why we need them?

Well you need to give it a few weeks and ask your son whether he finds it helpful.

The counsellor is asking your son what he needs. He is the centre of the therapy not you. This autonomy might give your son confidence.

We had counselling / CBT for our son (10 years old) and the therapist allowed 15 minutes at the end of each session so that we could all chat as a family with her. The sessions were over several months and whilst the the one to one sessions were extremely beneficial and helped our son with talking about his anxieties, the additional family time also helped immensely with supporting him/understanding the strategies that were advised.

Maybe, you need to speak to the therapist or your son’s CAHMS team about your concerns/ feedback about the sessions so far. It might be helpful to ask that, as parents, you would have found it beneficial to have been more involved with strategies to help your child too.

YANBU at all to be concerned IMO. I’m in a similar situation (DS on camhs waiting list for ASD diagnosis) and I while I understand counsellors might need to see the child without parents present, can they honestly withhold the outcome/content of those sessions from the parents before the child has Gillick competency? It strikes me as incredibly worrying that parents are left out of the loop like that, especially when there’s no good reason for it (eg evidence of abuse/neglect). Anchor - do you know what evidence suggests counselling works best if the parents aren’t debriefed? Genuine question. I can understand it’s possibly better if the parent is absent from the actual session, but can’t imagine there’s any real benefit in excluding perfectly loving and supportive parents from full information on how their child is progressing in counselling. I personally would not be happy with this at all and would be insisting that notes on DS’s sessions were shared with me and DH or he wouldn’t be going back. I’d love to have unwavering trust in the system but unfortunately my own and mum family’s experiences have shown me this isn’t always possible.

My dd had some under cahms we asked to meet with the councillor prior to starting then again after 4 sessions (child had to be present). We explained what we felt were the issues at review councillor could only tell us info about what dd agreed to. After 10 sessions were told that was end, had seen improvements during this time but after went back to normal. I asked if we could have info on what was said to support dd going forward was told no its confidential so it was really a waist of government funded money and think dd could do with some more support now but no point putting her through it when go back to square one and no one will let us know how best to support her long term.

The counselling isn’t for you. It sounds mean, and rude, and unhelpful to a parent, but the therapist will find what your child needs - not what you think he needs.

I've always had 5 mins with the counsellor (longer on the first session and alone) so they are aware of the situations. Nhs in our case (asd specialist nurse)

I wouldn't accept this form of counselling, which is offered in some but not all areas and usually with older children.

Any counsellor or MH professional worth their salt will approach the parents or carers first to get a feel of what might be wrong (unless there is a suggestion of abuse or neglect). My DD is older but I was asked in for the first two sessions for a little while, in fact DD would not go in without me. Your DS doesn't have to accept this if its worrying him, or if you feel its counterproductive. Ask to speak to the counsellor or the organisation they are with and discuss it.

Can you afford to pay privately though?

We found having a debrief after each session really helpful - for those saying that the sessions/ counselling are meant for the child not the parents, absolutely and this would be the main priority. However, our own recent personal experience was that being involved after the main session also proved invaluable to both our child and ourselves as a family. Our communication has improved immensely and our child feels much more confident to talk about his worries with us too. We are better able to support the strategies that have been put in place for him.

As a therapist working with young people (although admittedly my youngest were 13/14, not 8) I often get parents wanting to know what’s being said in sessions but as has been said before in this thread it’s all confidential (except in very specific safeguarding situations). Young people have little control or autonomy in their lives so it’s vital that they can trust their therapists can keep their secrets.

Once in a while my young client might ask that the parent join us for part of a session or a recap. We examine the thinking behind this very carefully so I can be sure it is what the client wants, not what the parent has told them to ask for. If it happens the client and I will write down together exactly what they want the parent to know and even more importantly, anything they don’t want the parent to know.

On the rare occasion I have seen parents I have found that on the whole they just want to let me know how awful the Client is, how hard they are to live with, how hard done by the poor parent is. It is usually much more about what the parent wants or needs than the client.

I am thinking of one situation (some details changed to ensure my client cannot be identified) when I was working with a teenager with self confidence and behavioural issues triggered by physical impairments The young woman in question had lived with abusive parents until she was about 8. She was then taken into care, then a foster home and then adopted by the foster parents. As we worked together it became apparent that her problems were actually related to traumatic memories of her early life that she was not allowed to discuss at home as her new parents thought it was pointless and ungrateful of her to hark back to the past. They would not talk to her for days at a time if she mentioned her early life. She didn’t want them to come into a session so they stopped me in the street one day to tell me I shouldn’t encourage her to discuss her past but encourage her to be more appreciative of everything they had done for her. Eventually they threatened not drive her to the sessions any more if they couldn’t participate. Once again she was adamant that she didn’t want this and that was the last I saw of her.

I am sure you are not like them OP and you genuinely do have your sons best interests at heart, but sometimes you have to trust the process - just like your son has to.

savethetrees

FIrstly not all parents are ' perfectly loving and supportive " which for SOME children is part of the reason they are getting counselling. It is not the counsellors remit to decide who is loving and supportive, who is toxic and who seems loving and supportive but is actually toxic.

The sessions are to provide a safe place for the child to raise issues and discuss them in the confidence that what they say is secure ( apart from disclosures about abuse obviously) how can a counsellor give a child that assurance if they are telling the parents what the child has said.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I totally understand why the therapist wants to conduct the session without the parents going forward.
But I couldn't understand how on first meeting he just took him without even speaking a word to me, and then no feedback after. Not told me how long going on for. Not asked me if we can make weekly sessions or if the appointment slot is OK. Not explained to me what happens in the sessions or what theyre even about. His issues are all about being in a school environment, he doesn't cope well in a classroom, and regarding friendships. The teacher is also asking me for feedback and strategies etc so we are all working off the same page, but how can we do that when we don't know what the sessions are about

The teacher is also asking me for feedback and strategies etc so we are all working off the same page, but how can we do that when we don't know what the sessions are about

Tell the teacher that you'll pass anything over as quickly as possible. You can't all be working off the same page right now because the counsellor is being your son's counsellor, and you & his teacher need to keep filling your roles. The counsellor needs to build a relationship with your son, work out how he thinks and what's wrong, and from there you can start sharing strategies in dealing with it.

I know it seems weird, and it maybe would have been nice for the counsellor to make some small talk and check that the appt slot was okay, but some people's soft skills are poor - and if he does a great job with your DS, you'll probably be alright with that, overall.

I often get parents wanting to know what’s being said in sessions - that's not what the OP is driving at; she is concerned about her child and wants to know things like how long this will go on for, is there anything she can do etc. The school also think they are going to get info, but in my experience some therapists don't want the extra work of giving advice to a school so say nothing - makes it look like you are somehow to blame or not being honest OP>

Please make enquiries and let the organisation who are commissioned to provide these services know that you are not happy, you are within your rights to do so and they should be able to discuss it with you.

@Loudlady34

I get why the therapist isn’t greeting you or explaining things to you - at this early stage she is concentrating on establishing a relationship,with your son that is independent of you. She /He doesn’t want to appear to be just another adult who conducts conversations about him literally over his head.

The mental health charity will have some sort of receptionist or counselling co-ordinatior who is responsible for the day to day running of appointments, room allocations etc. Contact them while your son is not present and ask them the practical questions that are concerning you. They might also act as a go-between passing any specific concerns directly to your son’s counsellor(different agencies have different policies on this). They will be well used to concerns such as yours and using a middleman in this way ensures the counsellor is never in a position to accidentally break confidentiality.

I had one session with my DD’s psychologist before she attended to pass on her medical history and explain why I thought she would benefit from counseling.

Her actual sessions are confidential and I have no idea what they discuss. I did meet with the psychologist one more time after he had assessed DD to get some general results, e.g. no particular diagnosis just stress from events in life, no at risk from self harm, etc.

the whole point of counselling is that it is confidential.
My two youngest have had counselling at school, and I was never told anything, and I didnt ask. Can you imagine going to a counsellor and expecting to be able to talk about what is REALLY going on, if they then go and tell your family.
Its no different in this respect for children than it is for adults.