To avoid her at all costs

[Gardenliv]

Not really an AIBU, more of a rant. I'll probably get flamed by all the self employed. I have a "friend" (I use that term very loosely now), who is self employed, recently had a baby. Went back to work within a month of having her for financial reasons. Obviously not being entitled to SMP. I had a baby a couple of months after. I'm employed so am entitled to maternity leave and SMP, which I have taken.
Shes always been quite an opinionated person. Benefit claimants are treated with utter contempt by her, no matter the individual circumstance. I do not claim benefits but I do not pass judgement on people that do.
Anyway, she has now taken to treating mothers that are entitled to maternity leave with the same contempt she has for benefit claimants. She constantly bangs on about how she had to leave her baby and never gets to see her whilst everyone else gets to sit on their asses with their babies.
For example, she decided that one day a week she was extending her opening hours to 8pm because of "all you moaners constantly asking for appointments". One of many written on her business page. I used to use her services but the way in which she words things on her page it makes you feel you are an inconvenience to her and you are keeping her away from her baby by being a "moaner" for wanting an appointment. She basically insinuates shes being hounded and she must abandon her baby to satisfy you. God forbid she has a no show. Expresses how tired she is and how she will leave work now and deal with a baby that doesn't sleep, get up in the morning and do it all again for all you moaners. I think shes unprofessional for posting all of this on a business page and should keep it strictly business. I dont know if anybody else feels as uncomfortable as I do and has stopped using her service. I understand how hard it must be for her to leave her baby but she is very openly and publicly slating the very people that pay her wages.
We live in the same area and go to the same baby group. She is so woe is me. She is soooooo much of a better mother than everybody else because she left her baby at a month old and works so much harder than everyone else. When she first went back I was thinking good on her that must be hard and thought she was amazing. We used to get on well, now I just want to avoid her at all costs. She makes you feel you are less of a mother for taking the leave and pay you are entitled to. You are beneath her if you take your maternity leave.
I have a lot of respect for self employed mothers that have no choice but to resume work pretty much straight away but jesus christ dont make the rest of us feel guilty!
Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest as it's been bugging me for quite some time now.

You don’t like her, so don’t see her?

She sounds like a twat. Avoid

I see her at baby group but tend to sit away from her now, although I can still hear her endless moaning to the other parents

She could have applied for MA which is the same amount as SMP and for the same time period according to the current government page, the only bit she would have 'missed out on' is the full or 90% pay at the start for 6 weeks. It also depends if her business would suffer from her being absent for 9 months as well of course, but she shouldn't be so bitter as there were options. For her to hold such strong opinions about things which you don't agree with though, id just cut the friendship to be honest.

It sounds like she's really struggling, OP.

Have you offered to help her in any way?

I must admit that I was a little bit like your friend when I went back to work full time in the 90s after I had my first child and lots of people around me were able to survive on one wage and spend time with their babies and I couldn't.

I didn't have a business to run though and I was flamed for leaving him by most people and didn't have any back up apart from dh who had to go to work. It was hard going as it is for lots of people ; I just could t see it at the time though. I still had a lot of growing up to do.

I wasn't as vocal as your friend is though. she sounds bitter and just striking out a bit. It's not fair on you as you don't make the rules and it's money your entitled to and those are the rules!
Your circumstances are different so she should realise this and is being unreasonable, but part of me can see why she feels so upset.
Taking it out on you is her way of lashing out but it's not fair to be so uptight and being the martyr.

You can either offer some support or not see her ; it depends on her personality I guess and how close you are to her. (Some people are hard to help though!)

She needs to assess her situation and work out if she can carry on like she is as it doesn't appear to be working for her.

I can see both sides and I wish I'd stopped moaning about my circumstances too!

She could have claimed maternity allowance instead?

Sounds though that she's struggling in some way? Financial, tiredness, stress, PND? I'd check up on her to make sure she's ok or offer to look after baby if she needs a rest. That's if you want to continue the friendship

YANBU, she sounds like hard work.

Sounds like she is angry that she is having to leave her baby and jealous of those who do not have to. As she is self employed, taking maternity allowance is unrealistic. She would be unlikely to have a business to go back to.

Seriously unprofessional, I would no longer use her services. Not much you can do about the baby group.

Distance yourself OP

Nobody needs that drama llama in their life

She's going to kill her business if she carries on posting such comments. Next time you are unfortunate to have to listen to her moaning, ask her if she even looked into claiming MA. It might shut her up if she realises she could have. I'd give her a very wide berth if I were you. She chose that career path, you don't have to listen to her bemoan others for having different choices to her.

Well she needed to do her research as she'd have been entitled to statutory maternity allowance!!!!

I'm self employed and pregnant.... it is hard as a one man band I am bound to loose clients while off on maternity leave but 🤷‍♀️.
Not a lot of choice. Thankfully my situation is we are not reliant on my wage to live. It is hard for self employed people. But her attitude is not necessary

It was silly of her not to adequately financially prepare for the baby. She sounds very bitter. Where is her partner in all of this? She could probably do with support but you also have a young baby so that doesn't need to come from you. Maybe she is trying to sabotage the business so she spends more time at home?

And that is the problem with moaning - it helps nothing and people just hate you. I feel sorry for her - it doesn’t sound like she does have better options, and she’s not wise enough to realise nobody else really cares and that it’s unwise to post it online. Perhaps even PND, that self obsessed depressive monologue could be it.

Does she have a supportive partner?

I know it’s unpalatable to hear but parents able to take good time off are lucky - I had a lot of envious US colleagues when I took 6 months + with my baby and went back part time.

I had a friend who did several cleaning jobs. She was genuinely ill for a couple of weeks and was complaining that her "employers" (clients) hadn't given her sick pay. I just asked her how much tax she paid...

Disclaimer - I've also been self-employed and we pretty much declared everything (a) because we wanted to sell the business on so the figures needed to look their best and (b) I'm a scaredy-cat and too honest for my own good! If we had had children, I too would have had to go back to work almost immediately and I don't deny I would have HATED it.

Benefit claimants are treated with utter contempt by her, no matter the individual circumstance

This jumped out at me. This tells me a person isn’t very nice.

Yes, she may well be struggling, but that doesn’t mean she’s not also unpleasant.

Although if there’s a cohort you might expect to not love benefits claimers, the self employed would be it. I agree though, she sounds self obsessed.

Is she single parent?

If she carries on in the same vein she will loose all her customers and may have to become one of those claimants she despises. Comparison really is the thief of joy in her case.

You don't have to be friends with people you don't like, and you don't like this woman much do you?

Gently slip away and drop the friendship.

Tbh, I'd shut her down if she dared come out with 'sitting on their arse with their babies', comment.

It undervalues looking after young children and links into 'Women's work' being undervalued and underpaid.

But her attitude towards benefit claiments would be enough that i didn't speak to her, anyway.

I have a self employed friend who earned under the threshold, but paid her class 2 NI voluntarily. It meant that years later she could claim MA.

Why didn't she claim maternity allowance?

Presumably because her business would no longer exist when she came back from maternity leave.

Tbh, if I found her business page and she was calling her customers moaners, I wouldn’t touch her with a barge pole. She sounds like she’s got an attitude problem anyway and she’ll probably not have many customers left if she carries on like that unfortunately.