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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Some siblings invited to family wedding, some not- AIBU to not go?

29 replies

Waitaway1970 · 23/07/2019 20:14

Long story short, close family wedding- some siblings have been invited (including me) others not. When asked why some excluded, feeble reason given about one sibling and no reasons for others. Siblings feel we should stand together (and all not go). Not sure what to do as don’t want to rock the boat with siblings (already rocky relationships) and on the other side, snubbing wedding feels wrong too. To go or not go? Should add rocky relationships are just about healing so this is causing issues once more...

OP posts:

stucknoue · 23/07/2019 20:20

How many siblings and size of wedding does come into it - a small wedding and only inviting some isn't the same as a large wedding, also the actual situation

DPotter · 23/07/2019 20:20

To some extent it would depend upon the relationship between the siblings and the bride / groom. For example - I have about 20 cousins - been invited to some and not others, whilst my DS has been invited to others and not some - if you see what I mean. I'm not close with all of them so fair enough - sent a card and all happy.

However if the bride / groom is a sibling or parent then I would be very uncomfortable and would be pushing for the real reasons why. Is it the uninvited who are wanting solidarity or other inviteds?

lyralalala · 23/07/2019 20:22

How is the bride or groom related?

Is there a closer relationship to the invited cousins?

For example my cousin was in my class at school. I was the only cousin invited to her wedding, but that’s because we had the same group of friends, not because I’m her cousin.

museumum · 23/07/2019 20:24

Has the bride or groom only invited some of their own siblings??
Or is it much more distant family?

hazell42 · 23/07/2019 20:25

I would be very hurt if my siblings were invited and I was left out.
Rather than refusing the invite, I would get the invited siblings together to say en masse that they dont feel comfortable about leaving some out.
Hopefully before excluded siblings find out for themselves
Perhaps bride and groom I'll then have a change of heart. If it is about money can you find a way to help out

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 20:27

Totally depends.

Dp wont invite one of his siblings. But he hasnt spoken to her in 5 years.

BookwormMe2 · 23/07/2019 20:44

It depends on how close each sibling is to the bride and groom, surely? If one sibling never sees them from year to year/doesn't give them the time of day when they do, why should they automatically be invited?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2019 20:45

Depends why they’ve left out the one(s) they’ve not invited.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/07/2019 20:49

What is your relationship like with the sibling who is getting married?

TheRedBarrows · 23/07/2019 20:50

You don’t always know what has gone on between other people.

A family member is surely allowed to relate to some but not others?

The issue is between the B&G and the non-invited.

I hate this tribal stuff and expecting everyone else to join in that ends in and stokes feuds.

cakeface207 · 23/07/2019 20:54

It's up to the couple who they invite - not obliged to give a reason why only certain people are invited.

If you want to go then go and enjoy yourself - if not then politely decline - simple as that!

But don't make a big thing out of it or cause drama just leave it - it's not your wedding.

Witchend · 23/07/2019 20:57

You've said relationship's are already rocky. Surely that's your answer why.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 23/07/2019 20:59

I wasn't invited to one of my siblings' weddings. We weren't close, but there had been no falling-out, and that sibling was invited to my wedding. The reason given was that they wanted a smaller room at the register office to "keep things intimate". Our other sibling and that sibling's partner of only two years was invited however.

I did feel hurt at not being invited, and the other sibling was shocked that i wasn't invited, but I in no way felt that the other sibling shouldn't go, or was taking sides by going.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 21:00

How many of you are there, and is it a sibling getting married?

Stompythedinosaur · 23/07/2019 21:01

Unless there was a clear reason (such as being a wedding of a cousin who was the same age so closer to you) then I'd be declining, as I would prioritise my sibling relationships.

Quaffy · 23/07/2019 21:02

There may be very good reasons for only inviting some siblings but unless you are incredibly close to the bride and groom, it isn’t worth damaging the relationship with your siblings for a wedding

PaintingOwls · 23/07/2019 21:05

Really depends on who the B&G are in relation to the siblings and how many siblings there are. I knew someone with a 20+ year age gap between siblings and the "baby" wasn't invited as it was a child-free wedding

Mummyshark2018 · 23/07/2019 21:53

My siblings have been invited to cousins weddings and I haven't- and vice versa. E.g I don't live where I grew up, my db is close with a male cousin. I haven't seen him in years. He got invited and I didn't. I was glad tbh. I think it matters if the person not being invited feels strongly that they should be invited, otherwise I think it's fine.

TheRedBarrows · 23/07/2019 22:03

What right do you have to try and emotionally strong arm someone else’s invite list?

Owlbert · 23/07/2019 22:15

If it's a parent getting married or another sibling (unless there is a massive back story) I see their point. A cousin on the other hand I would think they were unreasonable so it totally depend on what you class as 'close family'

MindyStClaire · 23/07/2019 22:16

What's the relationship to the bride or groom? If they're a parent or sibling to the ones not invited, then yes they probably should've invited all providing there's no history.

If it's a cousin only inviting some cousins out of a large extended family, meh. Not always possible, or desirable, to invite everyone.

Original poster

Waitaway1970 · 23/07/2019 23:05

Thank you everyone for your input. No back story. No hidden issues. B&G parents paying for wedding so parents deciding guest list re family invites. Not particularly small affair with distant family invited etc. Siblings who are not invited feel hurt and feel other invited siblings should stand with them to show solidarity. Not sure it’s worth losing sibling relationships over a wedding. Certainly won’t be causing any big drama if I don’t go. Will of course wish them well and politely decline, if that’s the end decision. Lots of food for thought so thank you everyone .

OP posts:

Durgasarrow · 24/07/2019 02:07

If you are saying, should all of one's siblings be invited to a cousin's wedding? Not necessarily. Should all of one's siblings be invited to the wedding of a sibling? Unless one is a big asshole, maybe so.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 24/07/2019 02:15

I have over forty cousins, this is why I didn't invite any of them to my wedding. Its entirely up to the B & G who they invite.

Tavannach · 24/07/2019 02:42

I wouldn't get too worked up about this. It's probably to do with the budget and including friends as well as family. I hope you and your siblings find a way through this.

Weddings are such major dramas. If we ever do it I'm going to insist we elope. I just couldn't take all of the angst that goes into your average wedding.

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