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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, how long does my grandma have left?

19 replies

ApplePieIsAmazing · 23/07/2019 08:37

I just got the phone call that my 84 year old grandma, who has survived 2 cancers and has 1 very slow growing cancer, has been admitted to hospital. She can't eat or drink anything as she throws up. She looks so thin and gaunt. How much longer do you think she has left? Im out of the country at the moment

OP posts:

goose1964 · 23/07/2019 08:44

Hard to say it depends on whether she's being fed by other means.

WhiteDust · 23/07/2019 08:48

You need to talk to the hospital and ask that question. They will be able to tell you her current situation and a re used to advising relatives of patients who are in palliative care.

Angeldust747 · 23/07/2019 08:48

Hi, sorry to hear about your grandma, hopefully she has a full recovery. My nanna was admitted a couple of years ago and sounds quite similar to your nanna, early 80s, frail and couldn't ear or drink. Unfortunately she passed away 3 weeks later, but everyone is different so sometimes you just don't know x

Idontwanttotalk · 23/07/2019 08:54

No-one in this forum can tell you that as they have no idea what's wrong with your nan.You should contact the hospital by telephone and tell them you are out of the country atm. They may give you an indication.

Her length of life will depend on why she isn't eating or drinking. Is it related to the cancer or not? You say she has a very slow-growing cancer but don't say what type of what organ it affects if any. If she is given anti-sickness medication and the cancer isn't preventing her from eating she may well be able to start eating and drinking again.

Please ask people who will know. You won't get realistic answers otherwise.

zingally · 23/07/2019 09:33

June last year, my 92 year old great aunt was admitted to hospital, unable to swallow anything.
She spent the better part of a month there... Had a feeding tube fitted, and is now 93, still living independently in her own home, and doing really well!
I went to spend the day with her last month, and was amazed at how sprightly she was.

In your case though, you need to speak to someone who can give you a realistic answer. Mumsnet isn't the right place. Can you phone the hospital?

Throughthenever · 23/07/2019 09:58

It will depend. This may sound awful but if they feel that she could get better and have some sort of "life" they will do what they can to keep her alive and better

However, if they deem that the cancer has spread or she wont get better to have any sort of quality they will basically make her comfortable until she goes naturally, sometimes by steroids etc.

Some people are stubborn, others are ready to go.

The hospital will be able to tell you though from their medical experience. Give them a call and ask what they think.

Hopefully if she is ready to go she will wait for you to visit first (my gran did)

recrudescence · 23/07/2019 10:00

With the greatest of respect and sympathy, you really need a medical opinion - not one supplied by a chat room.

PortiaCastis · 23/07/2019 10:03

Ask the medical professionals caring for her as the internet won't know her case and her drs will

Vodkaany1 · 23/07/2019 10:07

So sorry to hear about your Nan
Agree with PP though, you really need to speak to the medical team looking after her as it really does depend on the whole situation. So you have family with her that you can ask as the Dr's are not likely to tell you over the phone due to data protection.

alreadytaken · 23/07/2019 11:04

well yes YABU - but to some extent it depends on your grandmother. If she wants to fight this and the hospital see that they will fight it with her. If she has had enough and asks for palliative care they will do that. Only if they think she is unable to take the decision do her doctors have the right to decide for her and then they would be gently sounding out the relatives.

If you have parents alive ask what the hospital is saying to them - unless you are next of kin they may not be willing to discuss this with you. The hospital do not have to discuss this with anyone if that is against her wishes and she has capacity.

ilovesooty · 23/07/2019 11:07

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. Obviously I can't answer your question but I hope her time left is as comfortable as possible and you are able to get back to see her.

Original poster

ApplePieIsAmazing · 23/07/2019 11:30

You're all right I'm just hoping she can hold out till we get there to see her. I think I was just hoping that maybe someone had a timeline that doesn't seem so grim. My grandma is an amazing woman, she helped shape who I am today

OP posts:

Camomila · 23/07/2019 11:50

Hard to say OP. FWIW my gran was hospitalised a couple of times in her last year, often on a drip because she strugglef to eat, and even the last time it took her weeks to 'shut down' with moments of lucidity so the family all managed to visit xx

LtJudyHopps · 23/07/2019 12:33

My great nan was 95 when she had a stroke and ended up in hospital. She was getting better but she was ready to go, she started refusing food and it was heartbreaking. I think it took a good few days until she slipped away possibly a week. If they fit a feeding tube I think your chances look quite good I hope you get there

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/07/2019 13:36

If she wants to fight this and the hospital see that they will fight it with her. If she has had enough and asks for palliative care they will do that. Only if they think she is unable to take the decision do her doctors have the right to decide for her and then they would be gently sounding out the relatives.

This isn’t actually true. Patients and/or their families cannot demand that doctors treat anyone. Yes, medical staff need to talk it through with the patient and, if the patient consents, the family and obviously they will listen to everyone’s views but they cannot be forced to offer treatment if they do not think it’s reasonable or in the patient’s best interest.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 23/07/2019 13:55

When she is pallitive care then you will no its time to pop home. I dont think people on here should be advising you on that. Its your job to pick up the phone and ask questions.

Whitecandle · 23/07/2019 14:23

Hi OP. So sorry your family is going through this.

I work in speech therapy and please insure that if her communication deteriorates, she has a speech therapist involved. even if she looses her speech all together, they will be able to provide her with means of communication. It's pretty sad these days that resources are so low that medical professionals sometimes 'forget' about speech therapy involvement.

If you need any info, message me x

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2019 14:26

My Ex MIL was rushed to hospital.
We were informed she wouldn't last the night.
But she held on for 4 more days.

With my DSis we were told she had 5-7 days.
She died the next day.

It's really hard to tell.
If they are feeding her via a tube and keeping her hydrated, then she could last a while.
You need to find out what treatment they are giving her.

alreadytaken · 23/07/2019 20:41

"This isn’t actually true. Patients and/or their families cannot demand that doctors treat anyone. Yes, medical staff need to talk it through with the patient and, if the patient consents, the family and obviously they will listen to everyone’s views but they cannot be forced to offer treatment if they do not think it’s reasonable or in the patient’s best interest."

Doctors cant be forced to treat anyone but they are very aware of the risk of a court case. Therefore a discussion with the patient, if they have capacity or the relatives if not, about whether treatment is appropriate and desired. Most of the time the patient or their family will accept medical advice. It's unlikely anyone is going to start operating on an 84 year old but that doesnt mean they wont arrange some other from of feeding.

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