To wonder why my mother is always so mean to me?

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I know the title seems childish but I’m seriously puzzled at why my mum seems to have never liked me. I don’t understand why she feels this way but she’s always so mean to me for no reason.

Growing up, she would always tell me I was fat. My mum also regularly tell me that no one would want to be friends with me. She also said no man would want to marry me. She would compare me negatively to my younger siblings and say they are younger than me but better than me.

When I told her how much she was affecting me she would say sorry, claim she won’t do it but then would later go back to harshly criticising me. I don’t understand why she would behave this way knowing how much it hurt me.

The worst part is she did all this while claiming to be a Christian and deeply religious. I don’t understand. When I needed emotional support like from school or whatever, she wouldn’t provide it. I’m confused by her

Sorry to hear op
That must be so hard
She might be your mum but she sure doesnt act like one
Can you try to see less of her, distance yourself from her?

Your mum is emotionally abusive. Possibly she also was abused in childhood?

If you can bring yourself to do it then perhaps it’s time to hit your mother with what I did to someone at work who like to call me a fat bastard.

My reply went in a very loud voice in an open plan office “Yes I may well be fat but I can get thin, you’ll always be a vindictive spiteful old cunt so let’s see you sort that out”.

There were several repeats before she learned including one in front of company director when I said “sadly it seems you are still a spiteful cunt”.

It was like potty training a toddler.

I had the same message from my dad and my mum never challenged him

I grew up thinking I was unattractive, unloveable and unworthy

I fell into an abusive relationship which mother dearest actively tried to keep me in because it made her dysfunctional relationship (remarriage) look better

For a number of reasons - her deliberate actions to utterly hurt me, and then to physically hurt my son I called it all a day and went NC

My father then started on my son with the little comments

So he’s gone too now - and I told him why as well

Life is a million times better without them, I’m safe and happy, my son is too

Still don’t think I’m attractive- which winds my adorable oh up no end... but there is no undoing the damage our parents do us.

Cut them loose before they damage your family

(((Hug)))

I hope you are no or low contact with her OP? These people never change, they just get more bitter as they age. Then you're trapped caring for them in their old age. Let her reap what she has sown.

Every single thing you wrote could have been me and my mother. She still does it now and when I make her aware she’s doing it she’ll protest, “but you’d rather know wouldn’t you? You’d rather I told you you were fat/have a personality issue/your hair is a mess?”. No matter how many times I say no and point out other people don’t see things the same way she continues.

My self esteem is through the floor. I’ve never been in a loving relationship and due to now being 35 may never get to have children. She used to say all that husband stuff too and I’ve never felt worthy of loving.

I’ve had counselling and read lots of self help books. The advice is generally to lower contact as your mum won’t change. It probably does stem from how she was raised. She thinks this is normal. My mum definitely had an emotionally and physically abuse father who she idolised - no surprise she turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive herself. What do you know about her childhood?

The thing to keep in mind is that she’s not right. Her opinions are just that. Her OPINIONS not facts. You don’t need to believe the shit she feeds you about yourself.

Mine is like that. She just has to be a cow about everything. I even blocked her on my facebook because she leaves utterly stupid comments. I.E. holiday photos - "oh this is a pretty one - almost can't tell that you're fat" or "can't you afford nicer shoes?"
I learned to just avoid confrontation. She is an unpleasant character.

So sorry for this. Other posters are right - these people never change. If anything they get worse. Going no contact or very low contact is really hard, but it does get easier when you realise your life is much better without them in it.

Quite telling is that my own children cannot stand her. Way to go, grandma.

Such sad stories on this thread. Just know that your mother is NOT in any way right.

We are programmed to love our parents and to seek their love and approval. So when they don’t love us and show their approval we assume something must be wrong with us.

But the fact is that unfortunately some people are just shit parents, either through their own character or because of how they were brought up themselves. These parents aren’t capable of loving happy relationships and will never show their approval so seeking it is a useless battle. Much better to come to terms with the fact that you were one of the unlucky ones who happened to get a shit parent and then go no contact for your own sanity and happiness.

She's emotionaly abusive. It could be her upbringing was the same so that set her template for your relationship. Or, if you it could be she's unhappy in her life now & she's scapegoating you. Or it could be other stuff too. In my mother's case she was adopted & never bonded with her adoptive mother & her anger round that never left, & made her treat me horribly. I so feel for you. My Counsellor advised confrontation rarely works. They either deny, 'don't remember' or say you're 'too sensitive' which is called gaslighting. If the one person whose supposed to love you unconditionally doesn't, its impact on your self esteem, ability to trust & sense of self is massive.