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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit broken at this stage?

21 replies

poppymatilda · 22/07/2019 23:05

I've always had a full on job. It's hard work, long hours and often little sleep. I've got used to that over the years and learnt to operate on not much shut eye.

When DD was born I coped quite well with the sleep deprivation and actually enjoyed the fact that after a sleepless night I didn't have to go and put in a 14 hour day in the office.

DD is now 8 months old and has just started to sleep a bit better. Thing is, I'm now broken. Having withstood all the tough nights I feel like I've hit a wall and it's all caught up with me at once. I slept from 11-5.30 last night only getting up to her once for a short time and today I'm exhausted. My eyes were threatening to close all day today and tonight all my limbs ache for some reason. I just feel absolutely dreadful. And it makes no sense because I should be feeling better now the worst seems to be over. My nights sleep last night would have been considered pretty decent pre baby so I just don't understand why I'm now struggling.

AIBU to think that I should really be feeling better than this?

OP posts:

YouNeedToCalmDown · 22/07/2019 23:43

You need to call someone, or ask your partner to have your DD so you can rest.

Perhaps also check in with your DP to make sure your iron levels are okay, along with other health checkups.

YouNeedToCalmDown · 22/07/2019 23:43

*GP not DP - unless your partner is a GP

HypatiaCade · 22/07/2019 23:46

I feel like I've hit a wall and it's all caught up with me at once

That's exactly what you've done. A few more nights of sleep, and you should feel better. The body only takes so much and then when it knows you have a chance of some respite, it shuts down for a bit.

dontdance · 22/07/2019 23:53

OP I feel your pain !!! I have a very similar job and am just finishing maternity leave with my third child. I have always found the last few months harder in some ways, I think for me it's both a question of it catching up on me and lacking the adrenaline which carried me through the first few months.

The things that have helped are getting DH to do some nights, going too bed earlier for a few nights, making sure I am eating well (avoiding carbs and sugar) plus exercise (even if it's just a brisk walk with the buggy).

I would add that I am a complete convert to working smarter not harder, I know it's easy to say, but I realise now that those 14 hour days are unproductive, not winning me anything and the constant 5/6 hours of sleep a night is not good for me no matter how good I am
At ploughing through

Original poster

poppymatilda · 23/07/2019 07:09

Thanks ladies! Tried to have an early night last night but DD decided to have an unsettled one so feel headachy and groggy this morning
DH does do a lot with her but works shifts so last night didn't finish and get home until 4am. Obviously those times it v much falls to me. Nobody's fault, it's just how it is.
Thanks for the GP suggestion but it's not possible to get an appointment at my gp anymore, you just have to turn up and queue outside the door before 8am if you want to be seen. I can't really do that and get DD to nursery and myself to work and it doesn't really feel justified anyway when there are some genuinely ill people who need the GP time.

Off to get a coffee and get DD off to nursery 😀

OP posts:

Iggly · 23/07/2019 07:19

After months/years of sleep deprivation, I felt worse once my dcs started sleeping better. Some nights I couldn’t sleep properly waiting for them to wake, others I’d sleep but feel crap the next day.

Make sure you sleep in the day or at least rest when she naps. Eat well!

You may also be coming down with something!

EleanorReally · 23/07/2019 07:29

but do you need a GP, you could ask for a blood test? get a nurse appointment for that? Ask your health visitor to arrange?

Original poster

poppymatilda · 23/07/2019 09:40

I don't have a health visitor. They signed us off after 8 weeks and we never saw them again.

@Iggly I think I have exactly the same issue as you. I used to sleep great but now I struggle to drop off even though I'm really tired and I wake in the night in anticipation of DD waking and then my head is whirring so much I can't get back to sleep

OP posts:

2eternities · 23/07/2019 10:05

No yanbu, I'm due no 3 in January and DP said he will do all the night wakings since I hit a block 6 months ago and could just not take being woken in the night anymore (mine are just turned/turning 3+5) it was destroying me mentally and physically and they only wake once or twice a night each for a minute. Luckily dp doesn't need much sleep and can function on very little, he'd rather get up with them than deal with me when I haven't slept.

Original poster

poppymatilda · 23/07/2019 10:11

@2eternities I dunno I think the general consensus of this thread is that I am BU. I.e. I should be doing better than this by now. I think there's something in what PP says about the adrenaline getting you through the newborn days then you get 8 months in and it's just same old same old and it wears you down. I'm just a disappointed in myself as I thought I was quite hardcore when it comes to sleep. Doesn't help that my relationship with my mum has taken a nose dive since DD was born, that's been putting a lot of stress on me in the background. I have wondered if I've been a bit depressed at times. I'm still grappling with whether to go NC but it's a big decision to cut your mum out of your life!

OP posts:

ElstreeViaduct · 23/07/2019 10:19

I think you need a "sleep holiday" to recharge yourself a bit.

Are you breastfeeding at night? If not, pick a night when your DH isn't working. Take yourself off to a hotel for 24h. If you're BF it's harder, but I think you still need to build in some "off" time when you trust DH to handle it, and give yourself permission to switch off, even if it's occasional or even a one-off.
DH and I have been tagteaming for years and I can almost sleep through simultaneous violin and trumpet practice now, as long as I know he's on duty.

Wonkybanana · 23/07/2019 10:21

poppy I've read all the replies and I honestly don't think anyone is saying YABU. What PPs are saying is that they've been there themselves so they know what it feels like, and offering suggestions for what - eventually - helped them. But nobody's saying YABU to feel like you do right now. You need to rest. That doesn't mean you're failing, or should have 'pulled yourself together'. It means you're tired!

Original poster

poppymatilda · 23/07/2019 10:46

Sorry I didn't mean it in a negative way. But PP have shown some concern (in a kind way!) for my health etc which makes me think I should be doing better than this by now.

@ElstreeViaduct I love the idea of a sleep holiday. There's a premier Inn near us that would fit the bill quite nicely. Although we've each tried sleeping in our loft room to get a break you still find you wake up and if anything it's worse because I hear her crying and wonder if she's ok but don't want to go down and see and make it look like I'm checking up on DH - who is a top notch hands on dad and more than capable of taking excellent care of her (probably better than me tbh!) Then you just lay there awake wishing you were downstairs with your little family! I also think me and DH getting some time together would help rejuvenate me. We don't have any family support but our next door neighbour has offered to babysit one night so I think that might help, maybe I should take her up on it

OP posts:

ElstreeViaduct · 23/07/2019 10:56

But PP have shown some concern (in a kind way!) for my health etc which makes me think I should be doing better than this by now.

I'm with wonkybanana. I don't read it that people are not saying you should be doing better. Try giving yourself a proper break first and see how you feel after that.

When we go on holiday I often crash out for the first 2-3 days. I need that break, and I can only be any company once I've had it. I think it's sheer exhaustion. 8 months of 24/7 duty has earned you a night off, I reckon.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/07/2019 11:02

I thought health visitors were meant to cover children up to school age. Are you in the UK?

Iggly · 23/07/2019 15:01

I think I have exactly the same issue as you. I used to sleep great but now I struggle to drop off even though I'm really tired and I wake in the night in anticipation of DD waking and then my head is whirring so much I can't get back to sleep

Yes that’s exactly it!

It’ll pass and one day you’ll be getting a full nights sleep. Just hang on in there.

BrexitChimp · 23/07/2019 15:08

I think this is what contributed to my fibromyalgia, three children, none of whom were good sleepers. I have not had a full nights sleep for 30 years even when they grew up, I still only sleep for around 2 hours at a time

brassbrass · 23/07/2019 15:18

Your body/hormones will be shifting still. There isn't a magic 8 month pass that means you should be on the home strait now. Are you breastfeeding too?

See your GP, be kind to yourself there's still room for more sleepless nights between 8 months and 3ish( that's how old mine were when we got guaranteed unbroken night's sleep. But you may have another one by then as we did so it meant actually we were in zombieland for a good 4-5 years.

It's common to hit a wall. Accept all the help and support you need and can get to get past it.

Original poster

poppymatilda · 23/07/2019 18:21

@iggly thank you! That's reassuring, one day the fog will clear 😃
@brassbrass less keen on your take on it! How did you power through, particularly once you had 2? I've always thought I might be one and done but feeling guilty about condemning her to only childdom. It's just tricky when we have v limited support - it really comes down to me and DH doing everything. There was a major problem on the trains yesterday so everything was cancelled on Thameslink. My husband was halfway to Tenerife so there was nobody who could pick her up except me. I don't have anyone local I can call. That is even more daunting when you've got 2

OP posts:

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 23/07/2019 20:26

I had similar when DD started sleeping through and even now (she is 9 and DS is 6) my sleep is not back to where it once was.

Some of it is my fault though as I'm not very rigorous about sleep hygiene - when I do the following it definitely helps: consistent routine and time for going to bed if poss, no screens (especially phones/computers) for an hour beforehand, some sort of relaxation aid (bath, warm drink, lavender balm).

brassbrass · 23/07/2019 20:49

Tbh I became a SAHM. We couldn't really afford it but we also couldn't afford adequate childcare costs which would have facilitated me working but didn't solve who would leave work if they were ill etc

We lived frugally, managed mortgage and bills, no foreign holidays..meant no more stressing about childcare. We never had night help but did have babysitting from grandparents which we used to get stuff done. I know everyone says nap but I never could back then and if I did drop off for a few minutes always felt worse when I woke up! GP put me on antidepressants which sorted my night time sleep cycle so that I started dreaming again and that must have had a knock on effect on my hormones so I started to get better.

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