To not want to send DD to nursery

[AnotherSmother]

My maternity leave is rapidly coming to an end and we're due to start settling in sessions for DD at nursery soon but I really don't want to send her.

All I want to do is march into work and quit my job. The thought of leaving her all day in nursery makes me cry every time.

Please tell me this is normal and will get better!

Normal and it’ll get better. It’s hard for a while but you just get used to it. I found it much easier from 18m plus when I could see my little one was really benefiting. At 3 my daughter would be devestated if she couldn’t go to nursery. I’m all honestly before around 18m you have to accept they probably would be happier with you and they are there for your convenience. When you can see they love it, it becomes really easy.

Everyone is different.

It wasn't normal for me, i couldn't wait to go back to work and have some time to be me again not just mum.

My dd thrives at nursery, she loves it and has a great bond with her key worker

Yeh I think a lot of people go through those feelings. I did but it passes. The first week or so is a bit hard going but it gets much easier really quickly

Yeah it's normal. She needs a roof over her head though so you're doing the right thing.

what are your options anothersmother? My DC1 hated nursery, but it was the start of many issues and perhaps a diagnosis, my DC2 loved it but it did her no good at all.

Are you going back PT? I was FT. If it's PT, she'll be fine and you'll still have the bulk of the week with her.

Nursery is OK. With hindsight, I'd say there is no substitute for an involved parent or grandparent for as much time as you can get them for.

It is not compulsory to go back to work if don't want to
Most children do settle well at nurse and for most parents the very anxious tearful times do pass
But if you can afford not to go back then do have a proper long think about it

Honestly I think my DD has a better time in nursery than she does with me on my day off. They give her attention and do activities with her all day which I just can't do, and they do better with feeding and naps than the family members who provide childcare for us do.

I felt awful about leaving my son. I would have quit work and been completely skint but I was really lucky and my mum stepped in to help with childcare.
This meant that although I was still sad to leave my son I could go to work and help provide and buy our first house together instead of renting ( I never felt secure renting).
Still didn't stop me from sobbing for weeks when I had to leave him.

Good luck op and do what you think is right for your family x

I was definitely a better mum when I worked three days, had two just me and ds and two with ds and dh.
Having three days away from ds helped me appreciate him more and be more patient and engaged with him all the tine I was with him. The cheesy “quality time”.

@dozy12345 I'm PT and will be doing 3 days.
It's depressing that most of my wage is going on paying someone else to look after her.

It's depressing that most of my wage is going on paying someone else to look after her

Well don’t do that. Spend half your wages on childcare and have her father pay for the other half.

Time in nursery is a very short period compared to all the years you will work until you are 67. Don’t get caught up in the short term disadvantages, think of the long term benefit to your career and pension.

Remember that if you are in the one third to one half of women whose marriage breaks down, you will be bloody grateful you didn’t quit work. No one wants to think it will be them, but that’s just head in the sand stuff.

I've not even had mine yet, due Dec, and am already dreading leaving my baby to go back to work 😔. Sadly we both work full time min wage jobs so it won't be an option to quit. I'm sure one she's settled and you meet the staff and other mums it won't be so bad? Sending hugs xx

3 days a week means she'll still spend more time with you than at nursery AnotherSmother, that's a good option. I wish society prioritised early years with a parent more rather than being a good economic unit but the friends I've got who did a complete SAHP role have taken a good while to go back into lesser paid roles (I don't claim this is always the case, mind you).

It's much harder to get a good, flexible job from a chunk of time as a SAHP too.

If I'd had 3 days, I'd have tried to make that work - some nurseries are better than others, some kids adapt better than others and you might be fine. Mine were ok under age 2, it was really once they were old enough to make their feelings really clear and anticipate that it got harder.

It honestly depends on the setting. Ours is amazing and my two are so happy there. Eldest started off somewhere else that was not as good and the difference can be really dramatic.

AnotherSmother I remember when I went back was in similar situation, and my teen nephew complaining about working for the min wage, I was jealous! But it IS an investment. I wish it wasn't like that, but you pay a really high price for being out altogether, wages is one part, pension is another and the third hit people don't consider is accrued human capital you have in your job (you are trusted, you'll get the benefit of the doubt if your DD gets sick on a work day, you will be able to wfh the odd day, - there are all sorts of in work benefits you get when your manager and your firm generally trust you as a long-standing employee, having a decent manager is also not to be taken for granted).

My DD is in nursery three days a week. I work PT. Financially, it's bloody crippling, but this way I get the best of both worlds. She LOVES nursery, practically dances through the door in the mornings (she didn't always, the first nursery we chose for her she hated) and she learns so much stuff. She has a really good rapport with her key worker and the other staff.

Then, on our days off together, we spend a lot of time just chilling out, feeding the ducks, going on walks. I really appreciate those times with her because of the days we don't see each other all day.

people don't consider is accrued human capital you have in your job (you are trusted, you'll get the benefit of the doubt if your DD gets sick on a work day, you will be able to wfh the odd day, - there are all sorts of in work benefits you get

Excellent point. Remember to make sure that you baby’s father takes any sick days etc for the first couple of years as your employer has already had to cover your job for a long time during maternity leave. It’s important that fathers take leave when their child is sick / wfh as well as mothers.

If most of your wages are going to be spent on sending her to nursery and you don't want to send her, could you then...not send her.

There is not going to be any big financial gain for you returning and if you want to be there for her in the days, then is that not an option.

I definitely knew I wouldn't be returning in those early months, I didn't need my job to be me, it didn't define me, I am still me just with the added bonus of being at home with my son.

If it's not an option, I do know some women who had found it really difficult to start with but then it just becomes the norm, so you would get used to it.

It’s normal and it will get better. I hated the first few months but I can’t describe how proud you’ll feel when you see DC thriving and making connections with her key workers and peers on her own.

@M0RVEN

It's depressing that most of my wage is going on paying someone else to look after her

Well don’t do that. Spend half your wages on childcare and have her father pay for the other half.

YES! i always say this on these sort of threads and get shot down!

OP you are not spending all your wages on childcare, only half.

And don't forget pension contributions you keep accruing, plus no career gap. Keeps yourself financially secure as well

You will feel better after the settling in sessions, it's a fab feeling picking them up ( if they want to come that is). My Ds cries every morning but he stops (I've heard him) ( he cries when I go to the loo, leave his sight, even think of leaving a room) it's best to do a quick drop off so nursery can distract and settle x

I felt like you! It's totally normal. I was so angry that I didn't have the money to not have to work.

However, DS loves nursery - he just quite happily walks in to the room now for breakfast, I barely get a wave (16 months, I thought I might get longer before this stage). He's so excited when I pick him up though - and it's "OMG I'VE HAD THE BEST DAY EVER - AND NOW YOU'RE HERE TOO!" excitement, rather than that he's desperate to come home. He has far better days there than he does with me (and eats better). I am also a better parent for having 4 days a week where I am not just "DS mum".

OP i hate the thought of my little one going too - at the end of this year!! but, its good for them, gets them ready for school.

I would happily quit work if i could to stay at home until a bit older...but i cant im single and have bills to pay. If you have the option of staying home,do it if you wanted!

Consider all your options. I knew I didn’t want to put my little one in nursery. I didn’t go back to my job and instead work 3 evenings a week in a local pub. We are financially better off than if I worked full time and had to pay a nursery. I was however working for minimum wage and didn’t really enjoy my job so it obviously wouldn’t work for everyone

I went back in and quit. Best thing I ever did .