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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I learn to trust him?

25 replies

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 16:37

My partner manages a team at work, mainly females and he gets on naturally well with females but always makes it clear he doesn’t mix work with personal life. I saw a message on his phone from a girl at 2am a few weeks ago. It turns out it’s a girl from work he employed over a month ago. They have been messaging daily - long detailed texts with lots of emojis, never work related . He just says she a really good friend. I have explained I am not comfortable with him texting her outside of work hours - he didn’t see there is a problem but said he would talk to her to stop. I recently found more messages. He is still texting her every day and in the evenings when I am out with my friends. I just don’t know if I trust his intentions? He is telling her I am out and that’s he is free and she should call. I don’t know why he feels the need to text her so much and why? Especially as she is his employee. I am worried he is giving off the wrong impression or acting like an emotional support for her? Also why is he so invested in getting to know her? If anyone else has any similar experiences much appreciated.

OP posts:

Stoptheworldpleasethankyou · 22/07/2019 16:42

If his hiding it from you his crossed a line. I’d also wonder what his work would think about him messaging a lower member of staff at 2am in the morning.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2019 16:43

I don't have personal experience with this, but I can tell you your partner is playing with fire. He is far too emotionally invested in another woman who he barely knows and is also his employee. It's a recipe for disaster, for both of you.

Booboooo · 22/07/2019 16:44

Not on. Id be fuming.

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 16:46

Their messages don’t indicate they want to meet up or anything sexual. Just lots of detail like they are telling each other what they are doing all the time. He promised me he would sort it, I feel like he hasn’t done anything, but now only tell her when she can and can’t text him - basically when I’m not around. :( we bought a house together 3 months ago.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 22/07/2019 16:48

Emotional affair.

Sounds fully formed, I'm afraid.

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2019 16:48

You asked him to stop. He didn’t.

Your request wasn’t unreasonable - ages not some old, long-standing friend; she’s a recent colleague who directly reports to him.

They obviously like each other, crossing into a physical affair is just a matter of time.

drinkygin · 22/07/2019 16:50

I’m usually the last person to worry about this...very open minded and fully believe men and women can have platonic friendships.
But in this case massive alarm bells would be ringing. She’s too new to have developed a friendship but he’s very invested in her. Sorry OP but it sounds like they definitely fancy each other. Your bf is being hugely disrespectful to you by telling this woman to contact him when you’re not around.

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 16:50

She has a boyfriend too. And is apparently moving considering moving to Canada at the end of the year. She is a temp. I don’t get it!

OP posts:

isabella1991 · 22/07/2019 16:51

You've told him it makes you uncomfortable and he hasn't stopped doing it.. I would be very upset. Does he text others/you as much?

Would he be bothered if you were doing the same with a male colleague?

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2019 16:52

Just read your update.

I know someone who this happened to but she was the woman in this situation - I worked with her.

She and the (married) director hit it off instantly. Lots of texting etc - they were supposedly just friends. Months of messages getting progressively more intimate until they ended up having a very messy affair. It was awful.

The thing that would concern me if why he hasn’t stopped it - he wants to carry on. He likes her. He’s had his head turned and it’s up to him to stop it progressing.

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 16:53

All he says is that I can message who I want becuase he trust me. I wouldn’t care if I was messaging a guy friend. Issue is i don’t have many and have quite a strong values I guess

OP posts:

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 16:54

I have guy friends at work but I have no need to message them outside work when I speak to them anyway each day.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2019 16:54

That is a ridiculous excuse and you know it. How old are you both? Any children? Talk of marriage?

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 16:56

We are both 29. And he tells me all the time he only wants the rest of his future with me. We both want kids

OP posts:

Onepuddingisneverenough · 22/07/2019 17:00

I’ve walked those shoes. In fact, this could be my story.
In my experience they stopped texting but they didn’t, just found sneakier ways Ie Facebook messenger private conversations etc. Never anything of any sexual nature but it broke my trust in him as I’d explained how I felt and he continued, in secret. Within 6 months I had asked him to leave. We had been together 18 years and had 3 children together.
People say I’m stupid and there must’ve been other issues in our relationship, but there wasn’t any I was aware of.
He lied, several times about the communication stopping and I couldn’t trust another word he said. He had sidelined my worries and opinions on their “friendship”

It so happens that 12 months later she had also left her husband. I don’t know if anything ever came of their friendship
Talk to him, lay down your feelings. If he continues then I think you’ll have issues

There’s nothing wrong with friendships of the opposite sex but when it’s in secret that’s a different situation

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 22/07/2019 17:24

You can't "learn to trust him" because he is NOT trustworthy. Thats like looking at a rickety bridge over a canyon and thinking "how can I convince myself that this bridge is safe, so that I feel OK about crossing to the other side?"

Don't let him frame this as somehow a problem with you being jealous/paranoid /needy etc - his behaviour is shady, you know it and he knows it.

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 19:20

Thank you. I am not sure what to do. He was going to tell me about her - and confided in a male friend who told him he should tell me. But instead carried on. I don’t know whether I trust he will stop - I have even asked if I can meet her if she is a friend! He is not going to do that!

OP posts:

4legsandawaggytail · 22/07/2019 19:26

Red flags are waving around so frantically you know what your gut is telling you..... otherwise you wouldn't write this post. He is obviously not marriage material if your not married. If you are I would say there's a serious problem and trust is one of them. I wouldn't find thus acceptable for a partner of mine to behave in this manner. Transparency is the key to a healthy relationship.

Eustasiavye · 22/07/2019 19:27

He is trying to make you question yourself.
If someone messaged me at 2am,I would assume it was an emergency.
This doesn't sound like just an employer/employee relationship to me.
I am very good friends with some of my work colleagues but trust me, adding exchange messages late into the night.

hadthesnip2 · 22/07/2019 19:31

Talking to female work colleague = ok

Telling them that you are going out & to call him when you are not around = not ok.

You've told him you dont like it & he's ignored you. I agree with a pp that she hasn't worked there long enough to be a "good friend". What you do is up to you, but if it were me I'd be either doing the same to see how he likes it (although that's getting into a silly tit-for-tat area) or just leaving.

Malyshek · 22/07/2019 19:35

I dunno, I can see both sides here.

On the one hand you're not comfortable about the level of friendship he seems to have with a recent acquaintance.

On the other hand, if I was your boyfriend I'd be fairly annoyed that my partner is trying to control who I talk to.

I wouldn't have lied though. And your request to meet the girl is fairly reasonable. So your boyfriend does seem untrustworthy.

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 19:35

Maybe I give him two options - to cut all ties. Or keep messaging her if he feels the need to have someone else - and I am leaving

OP posts:

Original poster

Whit2019 · 22/07/2019 19:37

He has a female best friend who I have known about from the start and accepted. If I had an issue with female friends I would have never continued with him. Difference is he has been his friend for over 10 years so I trust her.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2019 19:39

So he won’t stop texting her.

He won’t introduce you to her.

He was keeping his ‘friendship’ a secret.

You DO know what to do but you don’t want to.

So. Your choice is to wait until you catch them actually having an affair or take the stronger stance, decide no one treats you shoddily and leave him.

Depends on how much time you want to waste. But even if nothing comes of it, she won’t be the last. She’ll leave, he’ll go back to normal until someone else sparks his interest. Rinse and repeat.

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2019 19:43

On the other hand, if I was your boyfriend I'd be fairly annoyed that my partner is trying to control who I talk to.

He sees her at work every day. Why the constant texts, the secrecy and calls only when OP is out?

Nope, this is not OP being controlling. And I’m not at all a jealous person - I used to houseshare with my DH’s ex - we all used to pile into my bed on weekends and binge watch boxed sets. The difference is zero secrecy.

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