Aibu regarding dps hobby/ work balance regarding family

[CrispSandwiches19]

Nc for this as potential outing but it's eating at me.

I prob am. BU
Basically dp does djing in small venues on top. Of his full time employed day job. Fully Self Employed registered with tax man etc for djing.
He does Mainly pubs and social clubs.
He hasn't gigged regularly since April. When he had an EA with a woman there
When he was gigging frequent it impacted on our lives, we argued more which is why he said he had the EA . I don't think he realised how much pressure this also put on me how it exhausted me too with the regular slot.
He gave up the gig when the EA was found out to save our relationship. Since we've been better than ever.
The regular gigs meant I was the one at home with the kids even when we had his dc here as well as a toddler and a teen,. I'm. Also a sahm
I understand he did the gigs more frequently as he had Debt This is now Under control this was debt due to being impatient and wanting the best of everything

He's on about getting a 4 weekly gig. And whilst i understand this is his Hobby too as he enjoys it. the money isn't great by time expenses removed and sometimes seems more hassle than worth the money isn't needed

But the week. Would go like this if he did

Week 1
M to F work till 6 get dinner and cleaned up etc don't sit down till 8.30. I have dc all day
SAT.. Work till 1. Lunch cleaned up etc. (My ds goes to his dad's at 2 so this is our only night togheter.) Then would have to Do early tea like 4
30 for him to. Leave by 6.30 pm to gig back at 1/2am.. I have to sort the kids.
Sun off.. But tired
( if he did the Fri night it would be, in from work shower quick pizza or. Pasta and out the door till 1/2am)
Week 2
M to. F same. Except his dc comes at 6.30 till Sun night..
Sat.. Day off
Sun.. Day off

Now I feel that he shouldn't gig when he has his dc as its only eow.. But not through his choice and this hopefully will change via court order soon.

On weekend he doesn't have his dc it means either in and back out the Fri night to gig and have to be up to. Work the sat morning.
OR work the sat night.. Meaning that's our only night together and leaves no time to take dd out between finishing work. And early tea to get out to gig.

For. Context we don't need the extra money as such. Yes it would be good we're Comfortable so not a need.

He says I could come along but I don't think. He realised the hassle of getting a childminder sometimes

Were due another DC so. Would mean I'm left at home with a baby too

Odd gigs yes as can do as and when please or odd ones easier to get a minder or whatever so we can go together or. I could join just for an hour.

I think he thinks it's easy like pre kids Or when was wihh his ex she made him. Gig 5 nights a week as well as day job and kept all the money but that's another thing

Sometines he says I've changed and either don't 3ant to go out or Miserable about it
But as I say I only had ds. He went to his dad's much more or he came along if it was a child friendly place.
It's not that easy now.

Aibu to think he should understand and accept this.

Sorry long but wanted to cover everything without a drip feed

Anyone.? I know it's long but I'm going between thinking I'm UR and not.

Are you married? If not, v unwise to be a SAHM.

He sounds like a selfish, cheating git.

I think the poll shows that you are not

The problem here is that he wants a simple straightforward life but he has responsibilities and ones that he is not meeting and simply leaving you in charge

How many kids are there - your toddler and his teen and a baby due together?

My teen
His primary age
Our toddler
Our baby due.

Were getting married this year.
I know the EA was nothing more as I did lots of snooping when found out,. Went a bit mad at tracing things. The day I found out is the daybhe quit

I gave up work because my MH was bad and hated my job. Childcare costs were huge. And I wanted to bring my dd up.
Financially there's no issue as his wage Goe sinto a joint account. I never have to ask for money or anything. In fact he rarely now even takes his card as he's learned by previous debt issues.

Financially there is a massive issue if you break up.

This man does not have your back.

I have no plans to break up. We got over our issues. Except this whihh bugs me and was just unsure if I was BU. .
The wedding is very soon but can't say when as I belive his ex on mn.
I also have plenty of money of my own if that issue arose.

I couldnt quite read it all, but to summarise - he wants to go out on a hobby once a month?
That really isn't a big ask i don't think.

I don't really get why you say you only have one night a week together. He's home at 6 every night? What are you all doing for 2 and a half hours before you can sit down?

It seems like I've misunderstood your post I think.

FWIW, dh is also home at 6, we take it in turns to do our hobbies 6 nights of the week (3 each), socialise together on the seventh.

So he wants to work a Saturday night, once a month? It does not, on the face of it, sound like a big deal - obviously if it falls always on a weekend his dc is there that is a shame. Though the child will be in bed for much of his absence.
I'm not getting all the making tea stuff etc - you don't work and have one child at home in the day, you know this will sound quite nice to a lot of people?
But when it's a socialising job and he's already started to stray once, I can see why you would prefer be stayed at home.

It would have annoyed me when it was more regular than this though, I'm sure you've been fed up with it in the past.

He will watch dd in bath. I will then wash her as he can't because he's covered in oil. He then has long shower and toilet about 40/50 min
We eat and clean up dinner stuff and hoover. No point in hoovering 1st as dd makes loads of mess. . Ds showers then I shower. Put dd to bed. MakeLunches for next day. Wash his uniform as so dirty it can't go with rest of laundry
I know his shower time long but his job is massively Dirty and takes lots of scrubbing. I know he's not just relaxing as often I go. In and chat about our day of ds is playing with dd in lounge.

I think the only thing wrong is that the children come to be with him. So that needs to be factored in. And he needs to promise to be up and happy by x o'clock to joint in family time. And he puts the kids to bed more when he's home.

Make lunches during the day. Stick him in the shower as soon as he's in as then he can do more with your dd - eg bathe her while you get his uniform washed. It does sound like a bit of a palaver. I would try to get the most rewarding routine you can before another baby comes into the mix.

Fwiw I do trust him so it's not about wanting him at home.
It's the fact of it was a Saturday it stops. Us doing anything with dd. She's hard work as are. Most toddlers I know
The tea thing seems silly but means I have to get sorted earlier which in general. Wouldn't be an issue our lounge is open. Plan and. She's taken to opening the oven. Which means someone needs to Watch her she can move faster than lightning. It also has to be something quick and not smelly like garlic as he won't go out of stinks of garlic even after brushing teeth.

If it's his weekend with his dc I don't have an issue with being in with his dc but his dc wets the bed, can't even wipe. After toilet at 7yrs old.. Has no common sense. We have to constantly remind her to. Drink due to water Infections causing more bedwetting during these times. Constantly Pulling toddler about.
She is lovely and easily entertained but its hard iyswim

So, you're doing the standard normal family every night. That does count as being together I'm afraid, so you don't only have one night together a week.
Yabu. It sounds pretty miserable to never do anything you enjoy doing tbh. I think you're both making this sound far harder than it needs to be.

The only thing I would have an issue with is the doing the gig when his son is visiting.

Good points taken on board. Thank you.
I knew I was being a BU. I'm just exhausted by it all and I worry we'll argue again if I get. More Tired on those weekends. Because 1 night has a 2 day knock. On effect. As effectively he's been up from 6am then work then home And back out to gig. Bed at 2am.
Meaning exhausted the next day. And often the day after

I've read your post again and it sounds like the only difference with taking up the gigging will be that for 1 Saturday in 4 he will go out at 6.30pm? Which surely is not that long before the children are in bed anyway? So that doesn't sound unreasonable. Your main gripe actually seems to be that you look after the DC all day when he's not there, but as it sounds like you chose to be a SAHM, I'm not sure what you expected?

My gripe is altho he'd go out at 6.30 by. Time he gets in from day job and cleaned up there's no time to go out as a family before having to rush back for tea and he be out on time.
I love being a sahm but also made it clear when I did that family time is important.
Then the issue is he's so. Tired the next day after being up for 20 hours. That he has a headache and exhausted to do much. So the whole weekend gone for nothing

I think you might be stressing more than Is necessary here.

Some of my favourite family time is when we're all vegging in the sofas in the lounge, tired from whatever it is that we've all been doing. Someone will be reading, someone on a screen, all will be eating chocolate and all will be touching at least one other family member.

That's family time too. It doesn't have to be out on an exciting day trip somewhere all the time.