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Original poster

To feel like the worst mum ever

27 replies

GimmeeCaffeine · 22/07/2019 16:11

Hi all.

I’m a FTM to my gorgeous, much loved and wanted four month old DD. I am lucky in that she is normally a very happy and content little soul who rarely cries.

But for the past few days it’s been an absolute battle to get her to sleep during the day (thankfully she still sleeps well at night). She will fall asleep eventually, but it often takes close to an hour of rocking/shushing. Normally it only takes five minutes or so. I have tried just putting her in her cot and letting her self soothe, but that really really doesn’t work!

Well, today was the worst by far. I’d been rocking, shushing, and playing white noise in a quiet room for over an hour, and she still wasn’t falling asleep. Her eyes would droop but then snap open at the slightest noise or movement. She then started to grizzle as she was getting overtired. I hate to admit that I became very angry and had to put her down in her cot and walk away for a breather. If I didn’t do that I was afraid what I might do or say Sad

When I came back a few minutes later I was much calmer, and she must’ve picked up on it as she fell asleep within five minutes of my return!

I now feel awful that I got angry to the point where I had to put her down and walk away. I love my DD to bits and would never dream of harming her, so to get so angry with her makes me feel like the shittiest mum on Earth Sad I know she wasn’t doing it deliberately so getting angry with her seems wrong and illogical now the anger has passed.

Please say I’m not the only mum who has felt this way Sad

OP posts:
Spam88 · 22/07/2019 16:17

You're absolutely not the only parent to feel that way. Babies are hard work and they really push us to our limits. You did completely the right thing putting her down somewhere safe and taking yourself away to calm down, nothing to feel guilty about.

Original poster
GimmeeCaffeine · 22/07/2019 16:22

@Spam88 Thank you so much! I don’t get angry often but I just couldn’t take much more of her refusal to sleep! Glad to know I’m not the only parent who has felt this way. Being a FTM it’s hard to know what is normal.

OP posts:
AquarianSquirrel · 22/07/2019 16:26

You might find that sometimes it's when you stop trying they fall asleep. Many a time I was panicking whilst he was out in the pram and that he wouldn't sleep because it was too bright or something. Looked back a minute later (after chatting to friends and ignoring him for a while) and he was asleep! Could have been more the motion of the pram though.

Don't have much advise as such but I sympathise and you sound like a wonderful mum who's had a hard day!! X

AquarianSquirrel · 22/07/2019 16:27

Advice* and too many ands haha

UFOLover · 22/07/2019 16:29

When I went to antenatal classes, the midwives advice if we were getting overwhelmed with a screaming baby was to put them somewhere safe such as their cot and take 5 minutes to calm down. So you did exactly the right thing. We've all been there with an over tired baby. Don't beat yourself up over the fact you got a bit annoyed. You're human and frankly it is annoying when they won't sleep but are over tired. It doesn't make you a bad mum.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 22/07/2019 16:29

Naps are the most frustrating part of my life.
How you felt is completely normal and how you acted is exactly what you should have done.
They push us to our limits sometimes. I have said things to DS as a baby that I deeply deeply regret and I've had to walk away for a couple of mins too.

This too shall pass...

Nesssie · 22/07/2019 16:30

I now feel awful that I got angry to the point where I had to put her down and walk away. Walking away when you did shows you are a great mum! It take a lot of self control to walk away when you are angry, and you did exactly that. You protected your child.

And it was exactly the right thing to do as it gave you time for a few deep breaths, and then back in again with a calmer clearer mind. Which your baby picked up on, you relaxed so she relaxed.

Elvesdontdomagic · 22/07/2019 16:30

You are not the worst mum ever, quite the opposite! That's the right thing to do in that moment you can't cope. Well done!

I never actually tried to get mine to sleep! If they weren't out in 5-10 mins I'd get them back up to play. They would fall asleep themselves usually in a bouncer or buggy etc. Different at night though I always kept a routine for evenings from around 4-6m

DeRigueurMortis · 22/07/2019 16:34

OP you did exactly the right thing.

I've been there quite a few times when DS was a baby (he didn't sleep at all, night/day - just lots of 1 or 2 hour naps).

I was utterly exhausted.

DH was very supportive but being at work he did what he could (and took the brunt of it at weekends to give me some respite) but it felt relentless.

Sometimes it just pushes you to your limits and being a good mother is doing what you did - back off and calm down.

We don't have endless supplies of patience.

All I can say is it will pass.

It's not that helpful when your in the midst of this, but knowing there will be an end as your baby develops can give you the perspective you need to get through it Thanks

ohfourfoxache · 22/07/2019 16:34

Join the club

I lost it with my 4yo last night when he hit me in the eye. We both cried. A lot.

It happens, don’t beat yourself up x

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2019 16:37

What you did isn't rare and you put her somewhere safe and walked away. Have you got a pram or a bpuncer like a pp suggested so you can shush her that way.

IsobelRae23 · 22/07/2019 16:40

I never put mine down for a nap, I just let them fall asleep in their own time- which was normally within the same hour each day. Are you getting a little regimented around ‘it’s now 11am and she’s normally asleep’? Because at four months they do start to change.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2019 16:41

Sometimes they need to grizzle a bit before they fall asleep have you tried leaving her a few minute s see if she wil go to sleep

Original poster
GimmeeCaffeine · 22/07/2019 16:43

@IsobelRae23, no, she doesn’t normally nap at the same time every day anyway. She was rubbing her eyes, yawning ect so she was definitely tired, just refused to give in and fall asleep! Grin

OP posts:
breaker · 22/07/2019 16:43

You are not alone and this age is when routines change and they are much more alert. It's so frustrating trying to get them to sleep when they're not ready or they're past it and sometimes leaving them in a safe place to take a breather is the best course of action. You're doing the right things.

ohtheholidays · 22/07/2019 17:02

You did exactly the right thing,you didn't lose you temper with your DD you walked away.

I think there must be something in the air today,I was in my local town earlier and every single shop we went into there was at least 1 very young baby absolutely sobbing and it was the same when we stopped of at a restaurant for lunch and each time the poor parent/parents looked absolutely frazzled and like you were doing everything they could to comfort they're baby's.

I don't know what the weather is like where you are but it's very hot here(were in the SE)and very close and really muggy and I honestly think that had alot to do with why there were so many crying babys where we were today,I think the poor little things just couldn't get comfortable because of the heat and a lack of a breeze.

I know all 5 of my DC struggled when they were very small,tired and the weather was like this.

I hope she starts settling for you soon and try not to be so hard on yourself(easier said than done when you have a young baby I know)because you sound like your doing a great job Flowers

ohtheholidays · 22/07/2019 17:03

P.S putting a fan in they're rooms really helped our DC I think it was a mixture of the nice cold breeze and the white noise the fans made.

kikibo · 22/07/2019 17:03

Nah, you're not a bad mum.

As a side note, though, are you sure she isn't teething? Both DD and DS are like your DD and the only time they didn't just drop off properly in about 5-10 minutes was in the afternoons when they were teething (nights were fine). It can be this early.

LaurieMarlow · 22/07/2019 17:08

You’re allowed to get frustrated and you did the right thing in the circs. That’s not being a bad mum at all.

RushianDisney · 22/07/2019 17:10

Oh OP, you did exactly the right thing when you felt yourself getting frustrated (and we all do) and that makes you a great mum. Four months sleep regression plus heatwave is not going to be helping you, cut yourself some slack.

Dieu · 22/07/2019 22:22

Och, you're fine. Don't waste a second feeling bad about that.

A friend of mine who's a really lovely mum, used to sing sweary lullabies to her babies when they wouldn't sleep.

Something like 'sleep now you wee bugger, because I've fucking had it up to here' to the tune of Frere Jacques, or something like that Grin

Cantbebotheredtogotobed · 22/07/2019 22:27

I agree with everyone else - you did the right thing, OP. It's bloody tough Flowers

Heartofglass12345 · 22/07/2019 22:34

You definitely did the right thing. What does she do if you put her down and carry on with what you're doing? I always put mine down in the Moses basket and let them fall asleep on their own

loveyou3000 · 22/07/2019 22:50

I opened my mouth, face all snarled up in the middle of the night to scream at my newborn once. No excuse, but as an explanation she had bad reflux, my boobs produced way too much milk and didn't just leak- they squirted milk constantly, I was 19 and didn't have a home, was staying at my mum's and my child's father had run off. I wanted to take it all out on my innocent crying baby. The scream never made it out my throat as I left her in that moses basket, went to the toilet and washed my face, had a glass of water and sat on the kitchen floor for 10 minutes listening to her cry. But I didn't lose my sh*t with her. I went back up, cuddled her and fed her and eventually she went to sleep. I needed that little break, and as someone who doesn't advocate for 'cry it out', if I'd stayed with her I may just have yelled.
None of us are perfect, but you are most definitely not the worst mum ever, or a bad mum at all.
It gets so much better, OP. Today I took her next door, now aged 3, for a dip in the pool, then had a bath with her as she washed my hair. We then played jenga, read a book and she put her chubby little hands on my face and kissed me, telling me "I love you all the world, mama". Horribly twee, I'm aware, and believe me there are some days where I want to lock myself in a bathroom and cry again, but my god do I look back on those sleepless nights and laugh at how endless they felt and how much better it is now. But still, a tiny part of me would give anything for sleepy newborn feeds with her again, sore boobs, exhaustion, baby throw-up in my hair and all.
Take each day as it comes, take each hour as it comes, take each minute as it comes. You'll get through the bad days. Enjoy your new baby, you're doing fine

Sandybval · 22/07/2019 22:52

You did the best thing, walking away to take a moment to recoup is better for both of you, so please don't feel like you are a bad mum for that!