AIBU - am I not doing parenthood properly?

[IAmJustSoTired]

Hi there,

I don’t usually post anything but have namechanged for today. I don’t know where to start but I guess I just want to know if what I’m feeling is... normal?

I’m 25, married, my DH is 27. I have a 3 year old, a 1.5 year old and will be giving birth in December to DC3.

I’m currently a SAHM. I have a degree and planned to return to work or uni when all my kids are in school, which is about 4 years.

I always wanted to be a mum in my 20s, although my 3rd child was unplanned (contraception) and I am looking for more serious forms of contraception after this birth as I really do not want any more kids.

I don’t know what the problem is but I feel really hopeless and tired on most days. My children are surprisingly easy - they sleep on time, eat fairly ok, play together, love their dad, are easygoing... they’re not always perfect, obviously, and can be testing (as all kids are I assume). DC2 is obviously in the “touch and try everything” age so it can be frustrating to constantly mop up spills, clean up their sticky mess, entertain them alone for hours on end... I feel like life has become monotonous and unrewarding. Mostly, I feel guilty and extremely ungrateful.

Although we are not financially strong (my husband is going through a career change at a slow pace), most of our money goes on rent and bills, I still have a lot more to be thankful about than many others. Everyone tells me what easygoing children I have.

I wake up and promise myself I will try hard to be a good mum today. Instead, I end up crying or losing my temper (then telling the kids off for stupid things) and often shouting. I love my kids so much; they deserve better. A mum that doesn’t shout over stupid stuff - who cares if they spilled juice on the floor or if they refuse their lunch? They’re only kids. They don’t know any better. I should be more understanding.

I don’t have many hobbies and don’t get out of the house much. We have in-laws closeby but I went through a difficult few years with them and don’t always feel like they have my kids’ best interests at heart. Their house often has many unfamiliar guests so I don’t feel comfortable leaving my children alone with them.

I sometimes wish I was 20 again with the chance to start over. I was extremely hardworking, passionate and curious. Now all I do is stare at the clock and count the hours until bedtime... even when the kids sleep, I end up numbing my brain on the phone or tv and fall asleep only to wake up feeling tired again.

AIBU? Is this just parenthood? How can I be a better, calmer and happier parent?

I remember this stage. I think it’s the hardest part. My kids are older now so I’m sorry I have no relevant advice.

But I loved this advert - it summed it up for me.

Also... sometimes I feel so worn-down that I don’t want to be physically near people, including the kids. If I’m (trying) having a lie-down on the sofa and they start climbing on me, I just want to crawl into a hole. I don’t even enjoy it when my eldest DC crawls into bed with us because I feel like I just need a break from spending the whole day with them...

I feel like life has become monotonous and unrewarding.

Sounds like you’re not really enjoying be a SAHM. Is going back to work earlier than you planned an option? (I know job searching whilst having young children and organising childcare is a real ball ache - but it may be worth it.) But to answer your question, no I don’t think you’re not doing parenting properly. I’ve been a SAHM for a year and a half, loved it and now going back to work in a month and looking forward to it - if I was doing it for much longer I would probably feel like you.

I have no good advice but totally sympathise. Mine are 18 months and 4 and we recently decided against DC3. I also find it all overwhelming and monotonous and get annoyed at simple accidents.

Could you look at going back to work earlier? Even a few days a week would let you get some space.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong -but your situation is hard. Probably much harder than you realised. You've had three pregnancies in three years -this alone is exhausting. The thing about raising pre school children and babies is that it is unrelentingly hard and repetitive.

I remember the feeling of being all touched out when my dc were very young ( I had 4 in 5 years) and I think it is normal. How much does your partner help? Can he take the kids out and leave you at home for some rest? Does the 3 year old go to nursery?

You’re doing nothing wrong. You’re pregnant so hormones will definitely be playing a part, pregnant women can be most unreasonable at times!

1.5 and 3 are tricky ages. I had three under three so I can completely relate to your situation, it was never easy but it does get easier the older they get. It is relentless and monotonous when you’re SAH, some people simply require more mental stimulation. Being a SAHM is definitely not for everyone, it does not mean you’re a bad Mother at all.

Brilliant video!

IAmJustSoTired - I am so sorry that you are locked in this downward spiral - I promise you you will come out the other side of it.

In order to "do parenting properly" you need to remember the basic rule that "good enough is good enough."

There is so much pressure now to do everything exactly right - and who is the arbiter of what is right? - usually someone with something to sell! The whole social media thing and advertising push people into making comparisons about their parenting, and the end result is harassed guilty parents who feel they are failures.

So - you shout at your children sometimes. Not ideal, but nor is it the end of the world. They learn that pushing people too far can backfire on them; and that the world does not revolve around them.

There are of course monotonous aspects to being a parent - no way around that. But there are also joyous and satisfying moments which can get lost under the pile of nappies, the puke and the general mess.

The crux of the matter is to make sure that you are not being influenced by "oughts".........especially the one that says you ought be doing things perfectly. No - you ought to be doing things in a way that keeps you sane - because you do actually matter.

Spend one day monitoring what is going on - which things really pull your chain? - are there ways the day could be organised (or your mind retuned) to make those things float by you a bit more.

Don't be afraid to plant them in front of the TV - it has saved many a frantic mother.

Ignore all the adverts with perfectly groomed mothers floating around slender and tolerant, basking in the joy of motherhood - it is all bollocks!

You will have 3 children under 5, a tight financial situation, so something has to give - it has to be the aim for perfection, and the comparisons with others.

My 3 children are now grown up and I cringe at some of the things I got "wrong" - they have survived and lots of the things that exercised my guilt they have quite simply forgotten!

Please do not ask too much of yourself.

Take care.x

@DeadZed
My partner really does his best when he’s at home - he’ll take over the house chores and entertain the kids, but he’s at work from 9am to 7pm at least 4-5 days a week. Sometimes when he offers to take the kids out for an hour, I decline because I feel so shit already and think, what will an hour to myself really achieve? My martyr-like behaviour is really stupid, I feel like I make it worse for myself
DC1 will start nursery this September (part-time).

Can’t believe you managed 4 in 5 years! How is your experience now? Does it get better as they get older?

@Waiting1987 and @PixieLumos
My partners days/hours are decided weekly so it’s difficult to find something around his job. I’m also pregnant, which puts me off starting work and then having to take maternity leave almost immediately... if I hadn’t been pregnant, I probably would’ve started looking for at least a volunteer role.

Thank you for your messages though! I will still consider looking for something, maybe I’ve just spent too long as a SAHM and need a change?

You will not want to hear this (or maybe it will help!) but this is TOTALLY normal from my point of view. My DC are 8 and 10 now and they are fantastic - interesting, independent, intelligent, fun, funny all those good things. Take me back 7 years or so and I was at the end of my tether. I hated parenthood, I had counselling one year because I seriously thought I couldn't get through another wet winter with 2 toddlers with my sanity intact. It was a very close call.

It does get much, much, much easier - bear with it. You're doing amazingly. When I was at that stage, I started writing three things every day that were positive and it helped with my attitude a bit. I also tried to get out the house with them at least once a day even if it was peeing down with rain.

I also got a Saturday job (as a viewing agent for an estate agent) nothing to do with my degree or my career to date but it saved me. DH had them all day Saturday and I came home feeling much more refreshed.

Good luck - you're doing fine; i just hard and unrelenting, but, I repeat, it does get easier. (I imagine it's going to get harder for me shortly as we head to the teen years.....that's a whole other ball game! - Although DS - 10- said he doesn't imagine he'll change much, just get hairier...if only!)

I think this stage is really difficult, I remember how the days really dragged when I was at home with two preschoolers. Once DS1 started school, it gave our day much more structure, even despite having a third baby at that time, it was easier than when I just had the two, and now we have so many after school clubs and activities there is no time to feel that dragging monotony.

Seek others. You need Other Mothers and other children to break it up a bit. When you child starts nursery, embrace the opportunity.

I remember thinking "in space no one can hear you scream" when I was at the point you are. Come september it will all improve, so hang on!

You have 3 kids under 4. Anyone would be tired and miserable dealing with that because those ages are extremely challenging. It will pass.

@HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo
Haha, thank you for sharing that video, it actually cheered me up massively! Very, very relatable. Especially seeing as I didn’t get to watch it yesterday because of the kids!!

@Mishappening
Thank you sincerely for such a detailed message. I like the idea of monitoring the day/myself and then reorganising it accordingly. I may just try that very soon... again, thanks for the support, it did make me feel a lot calmer.

@Flippetydip
Haha, I like your DS’s assumption that he will only get hairier! If only it was that easy. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s given me some real motivation. You said you had counselling - did that help? A few days ago I was really considering it. I’ll also try working on my positivity a lot more, your idea was interesting I’ve noticed looking at my DC’s baby pics really cheers me up and ignites a weirdly strong happily maternal instinct in me!

@OkOkWhatsNext
@Stifledlife
@Greeve

Thank you all for your responses! It’s comforting to know my feelings are not abnormal. I think some days just feel much harder and sometimes the idea of 3 kids under 4 is a little scary.
Also, I’m hoping you are right about September making things easier with nursery! I do miss a routine; it is one of the things we really lack somedays.

It definitely gets better as they get older. Mine are all nearly teenagers now (youngest is 11).

Sept will help - a routine and having to get out the house to drop off and pick up gives some substance to the day.

Remember that you don't need to acheive anything while your partner takes the children out. Just lie on your bed and rest.